Hi dad, it's me, your baby girl
When I came into your life I had hopes and dreams
I hoped for happiness, acceptance and understanding
I hoped for peace, warmth and stability
I hoped you would hold my hand as I grew up
I hoped you would be there when the sun set for me and the light behind the clouds seemed forever lost
I dreamt you would be my hero, my knight in shining armor,
I dreamt you would be my friend, my confidant my mentor,
I dreamt you would be my teacher, my guide and light of my life,
I dreamt you would lovingly showing me how to mature into an adult
I dreamt you would accept me through my most rebellious days
I needed you to teach me how to stand on my own
I needed you to teach me to own that space in the world that's solely mine
I needed you to teach me to live up to my responsibilities
I needed you to teach me appropriate speech and behavior
I needed you to teach me how to stand up for myself
I needed you to teach me boundaries and how to protect myself
I needed you to teach me right from wrong.
I needed you to be there when my life fell apart
I needed your support and understanding through my darkest days and nights
I needed your comfort and love when I fell into the abyss
I needed your tenderness and understanding when there was none
I needed you to save me from my darkest demons and scariest monsters
I needed your encouragement, your praise, your recognition, your honesty and security
I needed you to believe in me and my potential
But most of all, I needed to you to show me that I matter to you
Not because of what I do or what I wear or what I think or my friends, my music, my marks in school or my choices
I needed to know that I matter to you but because I'm you're little girl
I now know that you couldn't be that person for me,
I know you had a hard life, your mom passed when you were eleven,
You were abused by your step-mom and left home at thirteen,
I know you struggled to just catch your breathe
I know you struggled not to succumb to the darkness, the loneliness, the solitude and the silence
I now understand that you craved the happiness, acceptance, peace and stability just as badly as I hoped for it.
Dad, now that I am an adult, that little girl inside of me still needs you to be my hero,
But, how can I explain to you how it hurts when you now reach back to me now without acknowledging the pain, the hurt and void you gave me?
How can I show you that without accountability, there can be no healing?
How can I show you that our relationship mirrors that of the men in my life?
How can I show you that as much as I love you and as much as I would to let you in
I still need to be unconditionally loved, accepted, praised, encouraged and supported
I still need my boundaries to be considered and respected
Dad, I do understand your struggles and now,
I wish for you the healing, hope and clarity that I found,
I wish you for the strength to withstand the tests we face in life,
I wish the peace you so desperately crave and the love that's gone missing for so many years.
I love you dad.