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Do You Lose Your Temper?

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Do You Lose Your Temper?

Do you have a temper? The story of the little girl who lost her temper—and something to think about every time you are about to react in anger or sarcasm.

Topics:

Self Control; Self Conquest, Anger

The story of the little girl who lost her temper—and something to think about every time you are about to react in anger or sarcasm.

By Chana Weisberg

Chana Weisberg is the editor of TheJewishWoman.org and host of the Ordinary People, Extraordinary Stories podcast. She lectures internationally on issues relating to women, relationships, meaning, self-esteem and the Jewish soul. She is the author of six books. Her latest book, Shabbat Delights, is a two-volume series on the weekly Torah portion.

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33 Comments

Shulamit Melbourne, Australia October 25, 2018

In response to Anoymous in Montreal.
I did not mean that children should be encouraged to lose their temper and behave like wild savages. I just meant that there are more positive ways of encouraging people (children and adults) to deal with anger management. One example is telling children that when you forgive someone who hurt your feelings, Hashem forgives you for your sins. Reply

Rivka NYC January 11, 2013

Frightening story I agree with Carmen and Shulamit.
I believe the mother 's behavior in asking her daughter to hammer nails on the fence for every time she lost her temper, counting acuratly the 37 times a day, then, especially after the girl happily reports that she managed to control her tantrums, for the mother to bring her to count the holes in the fence and compare them to holes in the heart of the people she lost her temper with, seems frightful and sadistic.

Mrs. Weisberg, could you please say where this story comes from?
Does it come fromTorah sources? Chassidut?
Looking forward to your reply. Reply

Anonymous USA January 8, 2013

Do You Lose YOur Temper? I have had so many nails inpregnated in my heart since I was a child that my heart was totally broken. Lastly I have opted to just walk away from those who have hurt me so much in my life. I believe that I am not holy. I am a human being just like anybody else. Being the youngest in a family of seven, and very stuborn, temperamental siblings. I used to hate myself so much that I wanted to die. Who or what caused this self hate in me, I do not know. Four years ago I decided that I would change my life with the help of Hashem. I made a vow to him that if he gave me grace I would devout my life to him, totally. Having a bad marriage, and another painful experience, I also vowed to Hashem that I would never marry again. 38 years later, have kept my promise. I feel that I love everyone, and I say this words with all sincerity. I have peace. Hashem is with me. I deeply regret any transgression, and totally surrender it to my King of King. Wonderful teaching Chana Weisberg. Reply

Jerrah Mae Cafe Cagayan de Oro City, Misamis Oriental June 13, 2012

Touching one Good story , I can relate this. I use to throw things when I get angry and I even blurt out things that could heart other people. I didn't realize the hole being made when I did this things. Thanks very much Reply

Saify Chennai, India May 20, 2012

losing temper Anger is due to our impatience to unexpected results. Even before we set out with our expectation, we can begin with a prayer. The prayer will help us to remain patient and guard us from anger. I now prayerfully hope that I will adhere to this realisation in my life. Reply

Danielle Deux Montagnes, Canada May 18, 2012

losing ones temper Chana , you are a beautiful and wise women.

Thanks so much. I have had a horrible temper my entire life and have strived to overcome it all this time = With much prayer and even fasting I have finally begun to master my emotions. The holes in the hearts of those I love bring me much sadness and also much insentive to continue to overcome. Blessings upon you and yours. Shalom Reply

Anonymous Chennai, India May 3, 2012

Effective Advice Hi,

The story is very good and beautifully narrated. G-d bless. Reply

Shulamit Melbourne, Australia January 2, 2011

I agree with Carmen. I think the parable about the holes in the fence is more suitable for adults rather than children.(Many adults find it difficult to control their anger.)The little girl now has to struggle with feelings of guilt as well as anger management.This is a huge emotional burden to place on a child!
I think it would be more appropriate for the mother to have a close look at what is happening in the child's environment. What is the general atmosphere like at home? Could a family member be contributing to the problem? What about the mother's own intereaction with her child? Is she inclined to be overly critical?What is going on at school? Is someone bullying her? Is she experiencing difficulty with her studies?
A child losing her temper thirty-seven times a day is a serious concern. Giving her mussar, a strict approach, will only add to her pain. Reply

Anonymous Montreal October 11, 2018

in response to Shulamit:

we need to know that the pain caused to us by others is not an excuse to lash out at other people. This is one of theharmful ideologies of today's society. If you follow such thinking all the way down,it has horrendous ramifications.,such as G-d Forbid,mass shootings by people who had been bullied etc,looting by mobs with no compunction in destroying the lives of others ,since they perceive society as owing them . Bullying and the sort is unjustified ,but we need to be taught from a very young age ,how to deal with situations like that in a Torah manner. Leaving such educating until we are adults is actually more detrimental.This is no different than teaching kids that not all "friendly strangers " are harmless.,which can be scary ,no matter how much we try to present it in a positive manner. Nevertheless,we do not avoid teaching kids this .
Teaching children that "I'm sorry " is not an eraser for the pain we cause others ,is essential. Education that begins late,is often"too late" Reply

Shulamit Melbourne, Australia October 25, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

I did not mean that we should leave educating about anger management "late".I just thought that the tactic the mother used was a bit harsh. There are more positive ways of helping children (and adults) deal with anger management. A parent can tell a child that Hashem forgives him/ her for his sins if he fogives others for example. That being said, I still think the mother needs to look into why her child is loosing her temper so often. The above story sounds like a very extreme case. Reply

Anonymous Huntington Woods, MI November 19, 2010

Do you lose your temper There are two issues here; why is someone losing their temper & what to do about it. Both are equally important. I suspect that most people tend to focus on the why, sometimes using it to justify their actions and/or finding a solution. I believe the main intent of this article is to focus on the impact of losing one's temper has upon others, which is easy to overlook. Losing one's temper, even one time, can have a profound affect upon the recipient, especially children. All of us need to be mindful of our own behavior and how it influences others. The solution that was presented, is good, since it provides the person who is angry an opportunity to discharge this anger (excess energy) without hurting another person, to cool down & think about their actions. Doesn't mean it's right for everyone. One additional issue that needs to be looked at. What is anger? Anger means a person is hurting emotionally. Do we direct it towards ourselves (depression) or others (anger)? Reply

. November 18, 2010

A smile There are so many people who never get a smile directed at them. Does the face that creates a kind smile perform a Mitzvah? The person that just lost everything? The smile catches the sadness and elevates it with a ray of light. Reply

Denise Toronto, Canada November 17, 2010

Rxcellent parable As one of the other people wrote, this article really got to me in a way no other article or lecture on anger has. It's sobering to think that the holes still remain... and they do. I wish I'd learnt earlier about Judaism's prohibition on anger.

Chana's presentation skills are excellent too. Reply

Anonymous Jerusalem November 17, 2010

beautiful deep and affecting,
Just please drop the insincere "Let's be in touch" at the end. Reply

Anonymous L.A, ca November 16, 2010

G-d willing I want to try this with my family ,I think the visual will really help all of us . Thank you for elevating this world . Reply

Anonymous West of Siberia November 16, 2010

Anonymous from London. . . the story may not be true. But you know that. It's the spirit of it.

I heard this and thought, "Taking out a nail is a head ache and leaves a hole. . . what a way to resume tossing temper tantrums!" But I know better: it is better to not create the holes in the first place and leave the fabric of our lives whole.

Chana's discussion is to provoke thinking, not to adress news of a particular little girl who likes to get her way. But alas, you know that. Reply

Mr. Luther Phillips November 16, 2010

Your Words Thank you Chana,

Your words stilled me. So kind you are.
Thank you so much

Luther Reply

Anonymous Portland November 15, 2010

to Anonymous in London you wrote:
2) What about those people who cause us to become angry because of their ugly personalities?

Good Question. Everyone’s situation is somewhat different and thus can require different approaches.

Perhaps you can try focusing on ways to strengthen and deepen your own self when they behave in an ugly manner?
Can you limit the relationship (and your time) with the ugly personality?
Have you discussed with the ugly personality that their actions upset you?
Have you granted them the power over time to walk all over you?
Does the ugly personality’s ability to disturb you tell you anything about yourself?

Thank you Chana. That was a beautiful lesson to reflect upon. Reply

Mrs. Emma Snipes November 14, 2010

Holes Thank You, is all that can be said by me today, remembering this is my goal especially with my son's 8 and 11 year olds. Reply

Anonymous brooklyn , usa November 14, 2010

amazing! wow that is an amazing mashal (parable)! so true to the point . this is really something everyone should keep at the forfront of their mind all the time! thankyou- Reply

Anonymous London November 14, 2010

1) After a couple of weeks ie 14 days approx, only 14 nails would have been removed.

2) What about those people who cause us to become angry because of their ugly personalities? Reply

Carmen November 14, 2010

A child that looses temper 37 times in a day!!! Wow!That's amazing!

But what I find more amazing is a mother meticulously counting that!

Didn't that mother have something more sublime to do with her time in that day other than keeping keenly her eyes in "her"child?

Doesn't it seem an obsession feeding the other?

Again,that's my opinion and just another possible point of view for the same situation. Reply

Do You Lose Your Temper?

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