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The Lost Art of Forgiveness

How and When to Forgive and Forget

By Tzvi Freeman

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The Lost Art of Forgiveness: How and When to Forgive and Forget

A practical look at how to forgive people -- especially those closest to us -- after they have caused us harm.

Topics:

Forgiveness, Yom Kippur

By Tzvi Freeman

Tzvi Freeman is the author of Bringing Heaven Down to Earth and, more recently, Wisdom to Heal the Earth. Subscribe to The Daily Dose of Wisdom and Freeman Files for regular updates.

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40 Comments

Eliach May 8, 2019

something for Tzvi to ponder So the exhortation, "God forgive me my debts as I forgive those in debt to me"
becomes
God I forgive You for all the hurt You do to me out of righteousness, please God forgive me for all the hurt I do to You out of human imperfectness.
(All the hurt You do to me is correcting my imperfections. All the hurt I do to You is out of my lack of perfection. God's hurt redeems, man's hurt is sin.)
Forgiving God is forgiving the most honourable Person. It feels deeply right and healing. Being forgiven by God is being truly and completely forgiven. It feels good and is healing.
Now isn't it easier to forgive with wisdom: God I forgive You, God please forgive me. Reply

Eliach May 17, 2019

in response to Eliach:

furthermore In book 1 Bringing heaven down to earth, number 94 "Advice on Anger", to stop insult, hurt, damage to our self we must perfect our self. So isn't the criminal justice system a sad, unproductive, misguided farce? Forgive the One above. Reply

Anonymous tzfat April 9, 2018

it's a huge mistake to be humble before an abuser, since they feed on weakness. In that situation, one must show strength. Reply

rgy April 9, 2018

I want to apologize but they'd rather "move on" yes, the apology does seem to be a lost art, by both sides.If I did wrong, I'd rather discuss it and apologize to clear the air - I hate feeling the past still hanging over me. Reply

Anonymous NY September 25, 2012

spectrum abusive people A trusted person who sexually abused children (catholic priests, Coach Sandusky at Penn State) is certainly more evil than someone who just tells a white lie. So therefore, the response is also different to the crime. However, trying to get past it and forgive, one must look to God. We are so small, and see such a small picture. If we can keep that in mind, we may be able to get past certain hurts. God does allow hurtful things and who are we to understand God.. But it is very empowering to just let it go. To move on. To leave it to God. After all Vengence is His, not ours. Reply

survivor of abuse EY September 13, 2012

RE: abuse ok, I don't have to forgive him, and not to forget either so that I can continue to defend myself against being hurt again in the future - but there's no way to even approach such a person and say what's in your heart, because it will only bring forth further abuse.

so how can I absolve myself form "hating him in my heart"?

PS yet another amazing class by R. Freeman Reply

Navya Arjun Bangalore North April 2, 2018

in response to survivor of abuse:

Forgive n FORGET If forgive him or u don't forgive him.. he'll have nothing to change for you.. he'll still be who ever he is or may be situations in future will make him realize things which went wrong from his side.. that's not our part of worry..
Our main thing is to silence the mind.. which soothes our soul..
Let go.. forget that episode.. let's stop clinging to one single episode.. life is large.. one life is too less to explore mother Earth .. know your interest, divert your energy into learning something new .. helping the needy even in the smallest way possible.. this will help us rebuild our soul.. fuel the energy, fill confidence in us.. Reply

Jana Pindell Fredericksburg, VA July 23, 2012

How to reply when Forgiving My oldest son came to me and said that when I tell him he is forgiven it is like I really don't or it is just in words. That my outward reaction doesn't line up with the fact I do really forgive. You said in your teaching video that to just say "it's all okay or no big deal or it's nothing" is not the correct way to forgive someone. How should I forgive in actions? How do I make sure that forgiveness brings healing and wholeness to the person I am forgiving. Because if I just say "Oh, don't worry about it" to my oldest son or whoever is asking for forgiveness and that makes them feel like I have not really forgiven him or her. That is wrong. What is your understanding of how to make sure someone knows they are truly forgiven? Thank you for your time. Reply

Anonymous Hurst, TX January 29, 2012

Forgiveness Without going through a lot of explanations, I've been physically attacked twice in the past year by people who misinterpreted something I did. When they asked for forgiveness all I could do was open my arms to give them a real hug. It never occurred to me to hold a grudge.
Hashem forgives us on a regular basis, how can any Jew not forgive another person when they ask for forgiveness? I'd already forgiven them; I didn't know what I had done that triggered their temper.
A major bank DESTROYED my life's savings. I'm 71, can I start all over again? You bet I can.Millions of others are in my situation, but I'm just going to take my accumulated skills and open my own company and start from scratch. Frankly, I'm going to have FUN. Retirement and I don't get along too well. No weekends, holidays, vacations...feh, I may not recover all of what I've lost, so what? I am NOT going to stay angry as I've seen so many others do. With Hashem's help, I cannot fail. Reply

Navya Arjun Bangalore North April 2, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

Lots of respect to u sir
Hugely motivated Reply

Anonymous Collingwood, Canada November 25, 2011

forgiveness it seems that it maybe ok to forgive mny things, but if someone diliberity does something to ruin you financially. If they absolutely know that it would kill you emotionally to do it, it is much more difficult. If it is an accident or non intentional, I can see it being easy to forgive but when it has been discussed and still they do it. I wonder if is spiritually a bad thing to leave that person. I find it easier to forgive if they aren't in your face all the time. Is that acceptable Reply

Anonymous Jackson Heights, NY October 6, 2011

Forgiveness On the topic of forgiveness, one very important verse in Tehillim 51 is where David seeks G-d's forgiveness for murder and he says "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil from your perspective; so that you are right in accusing me and justified in passing sentence." I meditated on this over and over when I needed to forgive my husband for adultery. Your idea that when we begin to forgive someone, we realize that we too need to be forgiven. The hurt is so deep, yet I can stand knowing that the sin is not against me, but against G-d. He shares the hurt. Reply

Anonymous Lethbridge, Canada September 11, 2011

Forgiveness vs Vengeance To Antonio, September 9th, 2011: The Bible teaches that God tells us 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay'. If we retaliate then we are just like the rest of the world because it's either forgive or retaliate - or we take the hate or hurt inside and become sick mentally or physically from it. God does take vengeance and while people call it Karma today, it is actually a Biblical principle of reaping what we have sown.

They say it is human nature to retaliate, and yet there is always pay back for that too that is negative.

Thank you to Rabbi Freeman for this important lesson. Reply

Yehuda Miami February 28, 2018

in response to Anonymous:

I have been waiting to see God retaliate for years. He didn't ... I know he cares, but I haven't seen it yet.

And I've suffered for more than half a decade already with one. Reply

James.Wright Noblesville, Ind September 9, 2011

reply As usual,Rabbi.Freeman has put together another great lesson. I really appreciate Chabad for your continued teachings and your devotion to bring such excellent studies to your members. I tell everyone about this site .I just wanted to say to each Rabbi,co-worker and everyone there, I thank G-D for each and everyone of you. G-d Bless you all. Reply

antonio sabella providence, r.i. June 9, 2011

Forgiveness I find it very difficult to forgive others for hurting me. Sometimes the hurt is so great that I want to get revenge on the other person. Reply

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman March 21, 2011

Re: Question I wish I could get it down to a simple 5-step system. It's just so much more complicated than that. People are complicated.

It's something like learning to play in a band: learning not only your instrument, but to listen carefully to the other instruments as well, so that you can play together in harmony.

Nevertheless, the five points you have detailed are certainly major, if not THE major points. Just not necessarily in that order. Reply

Sabrina Little Rock March 18, 2011

Question Thank you Rabbi Freeman for such a practical and straight-forward teaching on how to forgive. I was wondering if you could help correct what I wrote down for the five points/steps you explained. I wasn't sure on point #5 especially. Please correct where I am wrong. Thank you.

1) Go to the person and talk to them.
2) Don't do say or do anything out of vengeance. Don't even think about it.
3) Ask "Who am I?" Make yourself smaller; don't think too much of yourself.
4) Forgive the person and forgive what the person did.
5) Bring compassion into your heart for the other person. Reply

Jack Mississauga, Canada November 27, 2010

Forgiveness Dear Rabbi Freeman:

You have a great facility for communicating your ideas in a lofty and practical way. Your easy-going manner is refreshing and familiar to a gentile like me. Please forgive me but can you include self-forgiveness as the focus for your next lecture. Thank-you. Reply

Anonymous Mesa, Arizona, USA November 26, 2010

The Art of Forgiveness I have been hurt by many people during my life, and believe that also I have hurt others one way or another. I learned to forgive, and forget the past.
But there are some people who I have forgiven, but cannot have a relationship with them because of their choices in life. I have chosen the path set for me by my Creator, and He is all knowing, Eternal, and Merciful. May He deal with our relationship for our sake and Heaven sake. I surrendered it all! Reply

Carmen October 16, 2010

The core of this speech The core of this speech, to me, is the teaching and the remembrance that our issue in life is with Him, and that all the peoples who are in our way and all the circumstances of our lives are there for His will, put to us in order to learn, correct, elevate our (and hopefully others) lives, using Torah's tools.

This idea saves a lot of suffering (if not all sufferings - in time, when it is ultimately fully internalized [what is a bit hard, isn't it?]) and it is fundamental to fulfill the commandment against idolatry.

I wish it would stay in my mind every second of my life. It is indeed a big solution. A great answer, if not the biggest of all. Reply

Cyann Rose Jensen New London, NH October 11, 2010

Dear Rabbi Freeman,
Thank you for your teachings. You have quelled my spirit with your words of wisdom and caused me to reach even further for G-d and his greatness. Reply

Carmen October 11, 2010

I love the voices of your listeners Especially the one asking about a criminal son (G-d forbid).
These are sincere and humble voices. All of them.
These are the voices I long to hear all the time, all my life -- voices of the soul. Reply

Anonymous USA September 21, 2010

When NOT to forgive! Dear Rabbi Freeman, I thoroughly agree with your advice to the woman who suffered such abuse.

Murder is not something I forgive. There is no good excuse for it.. Except in self defence. It is unforgivable for anyone to succomb to attack if they can fight back and return safely to their families.

Conspiracy to murder is generally an unforgivable act with others; unless it is conspiracy to murder Hitler or his cabinet.
The best one can do is isolate oneself from the memory or feeling of abuse and do something nice for themselves. A dinner, Movie, outing with close friends. Replace the bad memory with a good one. It is critical to recovery from trauma that some are unfortunately exposed to. Thank God first thing in the morning that you are alive and note the Blessing of the Great One that you did. Thank Him when you close your eyes at night. Lean more towards Him and all will be alright. Reply

The Lost Art of Forgiveness: How and When to Forgive and Forget

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