Is It Okay to Wish That Your Parents Die?

Question:

Let's say I desire that somebody not live anymore, G‑d forbid. Let's say this somebody is a parent. But I don't take any action in this direction. I mean, I just keep acting in the interest of the well-being and health of this person, but simply desire that this person not live anymore. Is that a sin?

Response:

No, it is not a sin. Sinning isn't so easy. You can't sin with your feelings. You have to either do something, say something or at the very least willfully ponder something in order to sin.

If I feel I want to eat pork, that's not good enough—I am still not sinning until I at least start making the plans to get hold of some. If I feel I want to commit adultery, I am also not sinning. At the very least I would have to make some plans, or allow my mind to contemplate the idea. So, too, if I don't want someone to live, that is not a sin—as long as I don't willfully do anything that provides that feeling tangible expression. It's just a feeling, and in many cases, it may be a very natural feeling.

Nevertheless, it's not nice. You can't chastise yourself for it, because, well, that's the way you feel and you don't have direct control over your feelings. But if you stop thinking about those feelings—just distract your mind every time it comes up—and you don't speak about them, and you do things that are just the opposite, meaning you do good things for your parents—then the feelings will eventually disappear as though they never were.

By Tzvi Freeman

Tzvi Freeman is the author of Bringing Heaven Down to Earth and, more recently, Wisdom to Heal the Earth. Subscribe to The Daily Dose of Wisdom and Freeman Files for regular updates.

All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

Join the Discussion

Sort By:

NewestOldest

22 Comments

Matthew July 21, 2022

That would definitely be a sin, if you wish for someone to die you have hate in your heart. Which is considered murder in the sight of God. Reply

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman July 30, 2010

Re: Coveting Coveting is not just a feeling--it's a thought. If you don't think about all the nice things the other guy has and why they're better than what you've got, you won't covet it. Reply

Stephen Weinstein Camarillo, CA July 29, 2010

Coveting and "You can't sin with your feelings" The article says "You can't sin with your feelings".

What about the commandment not to covet?

How is coveting not sinning with your feelings? Reply

Karen (Chaya) Bell (Kleinman) March 26, 2010

When my mom was alive and WELL, I, too... Did wish she would die. She was abusive and nearly killed me a couple of times. She was also filled with hate, bitterness, and contempt for "unclean" (handicapped or mentally challenged) people. She had racial names for every race on this planet, including our own Jews. She hated and blamed me for all her problems in life, and said often she wished I were dead and had never been born. Yet, I was always kind to her, no matter how I felt. When she was in a screaming mode, I just went into my bedroom and read the encyclopedias from A-Z. In her end days, I was the only sibling who went to take care of her, groom her and talk to her with encouragement. Her last words were, "I love you", and that totally brought forgiveness in my heart toward her. Of course, I put the words in her mouth as she was out of it from morphine, but still, she said them. I needed to hear that. Now, my conscience is clear. Reply

Mark October 9, 2022

in response to Karen (Chaya) Bell (Kleinman):

It's just exactly what I am going through right now with my dad, I wish death for myself as I see no hope ahead for either of us! I hope I'm proved wrong. But incase not. Then I don't think I can forgive him in the afterlife(if there is any). Reply

Esther Bklyn, NY November 28, 2009

Comments I have a totally different take on this. There are people who, if they would ask a Rabbi, would be told that they are not bound by the laws of Honor thy parent, that being usually in an abusive situation where one's health is at stake. This must be decided upon by a rabbi after knowing all the details involved.

Additionally, thoughts are normal, they are USUALLY passing thoughts. It appears above, that it is more than that. Vent out your feelings on paper or to a dear and trusting friend. Figure out if perhaps you're taking on more responsibilities than necessary, if that is the case stop.

Lastly, some individuals are so sensitive, they actually are picking up on others' feelings. A difficult to deal with parent, is usually the cause for the child's unhappiness, even a mature adult child. As a result, the anger and vice the PARENT holds against their own parent, ob'm, might be felt by the child as if it's their own, because the 'ill' parent is throwing it out to survive. Reply

Anonymous London October 15, 2009

Heart How many times does ANY sin begin in the heart? Genesis 6:5 The LORD saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. Sinning is the easiest thing in the world.

But on the positive side you always have the opportunity to repent on a daily basis and renew your mind for G-d. One of the functions of the LAW was to show us our sin and how much we depend on the Mercy and love of our LORD. Do I say self-mutilate when you sin? Do I say degrade yourself and that he who sins is destined to the place reffered to in Isaiah 66:24? NO! Recognize your sin, turn your back on it and seek out G-d all the more. Reply

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman October 15, 2009

Re: sin of feelings "All a person's days," we are taught, "should be spent in teshuva." True, as soon as you return and resolve to do good, all is forgiven. But at every step in life, you are growing, spiritually. Now, at this point in life, what was acceptable, even good, is no longer fitting.

What is teshuva? Simply the harnessing of remorse into good deeds. Reply

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman October 15, 2009

Re: Recognizing we are human beings It's not just that we are human. We have so many opposing drives and personalities within us. A part of us can think of nothing but food, sleep and other physical pleasures. Another personality within us is ever-reacting with exaggerated emotions to whatever stimuli hit our senses. Our mind is struggling to look at everything rationally. while yet deeper within, a G-dly soul grasps for some small opportunity for its own expression.

So, if you have these feelings, do not blame yourself for being lowly. One part of you is lowly--and that's to be expected. As long as you can keep the higher aspects of your personality in control, you are doing the best you can. Reply

Anonymous October 15, 2009

Recognizing we are human beings Thank you, Rabbi for the explanation from Tanya Chapter 27.

The guilt of wishing my mother would pass left me feeling very low and evil.

I realize that I am a human being and pray before I see her in the nursing home. This helps me to enjoy her for what she is and be grateful that I still can talk to her and show her how much I love her. Reply

Anonymous clearwater, FL October 15, 2009

sin of feelings thank you Rabbi Freeman for your clarification of the Tanya statement. That does make sense.
My older brother and I used to vent to each other @ our Mother. As I learned more @ Honoring your parents and the laws of lashon hara I started trying to soften the talk and change the subject to something positive and good @ her. My Mother was known as having an extremely difficult personality.
Last year my Brother died suddenly and three weeks later, my Mother died suddenly.

I desparately wish I could take back all of the speech we had @ her. I don't know what it all means in the cosmic scheme, and I will never know. I do have guilt about our conversations, thank G-d not crippling. I definitely had a wake-up call after their deaths My Mothers death has some sense to it. She was 84 and died of heartbreak, w/o her son.
My Brothers death has no meaning for me. He was young and had so much left to do in life. That venting is over,I want to know mom forgives me. any thoughts Rabbi? Reply

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman October 14, 2009

Re: sin Once again, that statement, that the thought of a sin is harsher than a sin, is only speaking of someone who accepts the thought willfully. But if you ignore the thought each time it arises and choose to think of something else, you have not sinned. On the contrary, you've done a great mitzvah. See Tanya chapter 27.

Those who demand that you should never have such thoughts or feelings, and tell you that you are evil because of how you feel and because of what arises in your mind--they are only magnifying the crippling guilt that holds so many people in their rut. The first step to rising higher is to recognize that we are human beings, not angels. Reply

Anonymous Windsor, ON October 14, 2009

relpy How can one reason this way? To wish one dead is a sin. We have a saying you do not have love a person but you do not have to like them and do not hate the person hate the actions.

If this reasoning were true coveting is no longer a sin. Remember Honor your parents (is your heart honoring). You do not have to like everything they do, you can hate what they did do you, you can hate evil. Feeling motivate actions. Think of the power of love, love conquers evil. Satan had bad feeling and he gave into them. Reply

Anonymous palm harbor, FL October 12, 2009

sin Where in Tanya does it say "The thought of a sin is harsher than the sin"? That contradicts what R' Freeman said about thoughts of sin. I liked his response better then that quote. Any clarification on that Rabbi Freeman? Reply

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman October 8, 2009

Clarification concerning thoughts Many thoughts arise in the mind unwillingly. We are not held culpable for these thoughts. It is only when we accept a thought that we know to be evil and willfully dwell upon it, only then can we be held liable.

If, however, immediately upon realizing that this is not a thought we should be dwelling upon we reject the thought and think about something else instead, on the contrary, we have performed a great mitzvah.

See Tanya, chapter 27 and many other places. Reply

Anonymous Toronto, Ontario October 6, 2009

Circumstances What I read between the lines is not hatred of parents, but love. I gather that the parent is suffering and in ill health. I won't steal the Rav's thunder, except to add that the normal imperative to save life may not apply in certain terminal illness cases. Reply

LT October 4, 2009

Said the Sages of old... "The thought of a sin is harsher than the sin." (Not sure where this is from. It's quoted in Tanya.) Reply

Anonymous CA September 27, 2009

agree with sara in NY i'm surprised that the rabbi says the thought is not a sin. coveting is a sin - and from what i understand, coveting is in our thoughts. Reply

Carmen September 25, 2009

Anonymous, sitka, alaska It is very true what you say, especially from the point of view of a son or daughter. But certainly for the parent who is not wished anymore-with all conflicts such sentiment can provoke in a son or daughter-, is presented the opportunity to deeply evaluate why he or she are not wished anymore and where they erred. It is an experience of two ways, and, certainly, that's why it is written that we have to honor parents (and not obligatorily to love them), principally when the experiences with them are sad and tough experiences.
When a parent turn to be a son, it is when truth crudely appears and it is then that ethics are really at stake, since sometimes components of vengeance can be present and it is when ethics, conscienciousness, responsability and forgiveness enter in scene, giving the direction to very paradoxal sentiments. Reply

Anonymous sitka, alaska September 24, 2009

embracing the situation i think that ignoring your thoughts and feelings is futile, because they come from a deeper place than what you can consciously access that way. why do you have these thoughts? is it compassion, pity, fear? seeing a parent in a helpless situation is often a huge burden - reality is flipped on its head as you must now be the parent, while still realizing the loss of competency this person had. is there a projection of yourself in that situation, that you would want to not go on?

you have to rise to a higher state of consciousness in these situations, that your mother is still here for a reason; she is both still experiencing life, and teaching you a lesson, whether her ego is aware of it, or only her soul is operating through the body in hidden awareness. the relative suffering of everyone involved in the situation is a wonderful cleansing, spiritually. through the experience, personality traits of compassion, caretaking, and responsibility can be hightened and greatly refined. Reply

Sara NY September 23, 2009

doubting I do not actually agree with the rabbi. I do agree that one must not think, act or speak about one's negative feelings or desires....it says that in Tanya.
But I think it is a sin to wish bad on someone, especially a parent. The fact that one has an evil feeling or thought is something to work on getting rid of. But to say a feeling is not a sin, does not sound right. Because all sins start from improper emotions or feelings. And if one thinks it is not wrong to think badly of another or wish something bad on someone, then one will not take things so seriously.
If it makes the person feel guilty, it must be coming from an unholy place....and that is connected to sin. It is obviously not a mitzva! and I dont thnk something like that can be considered neutral.... Reply

More in this section

You may also be interested in...

Join the Discussion