Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, whose anniversary of passing was this week, was many things to many people. As revered chief rabbi of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth, he greatly increased Jewish education in England; author of dozens of books, he was described by Prince Charles as “a prophetic voice that spoke to our greatest challenges with unfailing insight and boundless compassion”; and to students of Torah everywhere (myself included), he was a beloved teacher, whose writings were relatable and wise.
Among the kaleidoscope of people, ideas, and causes championed by Lord Sacks, one finds the remarkable accomplishments of the late Lena Rustin, a speech therapist who specialized in helping children who stuttered. The rabbi came to know her through a television documentary he was making for the BBC about the state of the family in Britain. Lena believed that the young stutterers she was treating – on average around five years old – had to be understood in the context of their families. In her quest to ease the burden these children faced, she came to understand that stuttering, an oft-times misunderstood and ridiculed speech disorder, had an immense impact on not just the child who stuttered, but the family as well.
As a result, she introduced a new “rule” that everyone in the child’s family had to implement: Every person in the family had to praise another daily, after which the person receiving the praise ought to embrace the praise. Although it might be tough sometimes and there are times when you have no interest in this, you must share one piece of praise to another every single day.
“Daniel, I loved how you shared with Matthew,” the parents must say, to which Daniel mustn’t minimize the compliment, but rather receive it in stride, replying with something like, “I appreciate the compliment, and it made me happier, Mom.”
Rustin saw that this simple yet profound task had an immense positive change in not only the child, but on the entire family unit. Her insights had a transformative impact on Rabbi Sacks, who later reflected that the act of giving and receiving praise can be transformative not only for those who stutter, but for the relationship between husband and wife.
“Many of the people whom I had interviewed told me,” he said, “that this not only cured their child’s stammer but it saved their marriage as well. It is the simplest of tasks but its power is absolutely stunning,” he continued. “Any marriage is going to go through difficult moments. The person you married isn’t quite the person you thought they were going to be. If you create an environment of praise, you get through all those moments. It’s the simplest yet most secure way of guaranteeing a healthy marriage.”
This is how Rabbi Sacks lived his life, and it is something we can all aspire to.
As a person who has struggled with a stutter myself, I experienced how a loving and mutually-supportive family uplifted not just me, but also the people surrounding me. I’ve been lucky to have grown up in a welcoming environment where my voice is heard, and more importantly, where I had all the time in the world to express exactly what I wanted to say, whether it took five seconds or five minutes.
Through reading his works, I came to know and love Rabbi Sacks as a champion of people like me, for whom uttering a simple word is a challenge that others can scarcely fathom.
In 2016, I mustered up the temerity to write a letter to the rabbi, telling him how his writings had inspired me to speak publicly, something I had not done for years. In addition to graciously accepting my praise (he called my email “beautiful and moving”), he extended praise of his own, telling me that my story “inspired [him] greatly.”
If there is one lesson we sorely need today, in our marriages, in our workplaces, and on social media, it is how to give genuine praise—and how to receive it, with sincere grace, acceptance and appreciation.
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