How do I react to my daughter dating a non-Jew?

I am the daughter of two holocaust survivors. My Judaism is very important to me and I feel a deep responsibility to my grandparents who were all murdered in Auschwitz. I discussed NOT dating outside the religion to my daughter. Despite dating 8 Jewish guys who responded to her dating profile (she wrote that she was looking for a NJB (nice Jewish boy) one Christian guy responded and she chose to meet him . They are now dating seriously .I am devastated. What do I do with my feelings. Talking with her about the difficulties she will face has already happened. I feel so bitter. Reply

Intermarriage only leads to trouble and conflict, which I have seen time and time again. I'm a Jewish woman married to a Jewish man.

Best advice from the article:
I want to emphasize that your daughter must feel that your decisions and attitude are based on her and her good, and never you. This means that you are not acting based on your personal feelings of what people will say, how it will affect you or your own status in your community etc., but rather because you understand that this is detrimental for her and her life. It is a huge difference to a child, and our children immediately sense your motives, and react accordingly.

This is so important! Many people say to their kids "what you're doing makes us look bad, hurts us (your parents), and what will people say?" etc. This makes kids feel like their parents are hypocrites and could care less about their child's happiness. Why would a child want to do something for a parent that only cares about himself? Reply

Wow! OMG! What have I stumbled upon? I was recently approached by a girl on a dating site. A girl identifying as Jewish. So as a matter of course i started to do a little research on what it may mean to enter an intimate relationship with this person. It lead me to this site and these posts.
I had no no idea of the dogged, determined racism (may i call it racism?) of Jewish people.
It is not my fault I was not born Jewish, although from these posts, I'm not sure i'd want to be.
Perhaps this girl, once I get to know her, will show me another side to the people of this faith - I hope I discover a person of humanity, openness and tolerance. Reply

See: Fiddler on the Roof Reply

I married someone that is not a jew. I met my husband 13 years ago, and we share four kids together.
At first my father had a really hard time accepting him, but than understood that there is nothing he can do to separate us.
i was born in Israel, and come to the united sates at age 11, I grew up in a very religious home (Shomer Shabbas) with a father that attends morning services at the local synagoge, private school of course, and not to mention that television was forbidden.
I do have to say that I miss the warmth of the holidays and the food preparation before shabbat.. sometimes I ask myself was it really worth it all for love?

My in-laws have a very hard time accepting me, beings that I'm not a a believer. We really don't get each other a whole lot. They try to take the kids to church when being told no and no time and time again. It's exhausting constantly fighting for what you believe in, but I chose it and this is the price I have to pay.
There is nothing like worrying about your children, and grand-children. Reply

My son is dating a Jewish girl If I weren't so religious I would end my life. I cry everyday. I don't blame the Jews for wanting their children to Marry thier own kind. That is what I want to. She is a nice girl but I don;'t want her for my son. My heart is breaking I wish to God I don't wake up. Like Mel Brooks mom (or Grandmother) said she would put her head in the oven. Well I don't blame her I feel like doing the same.. but I have other children. My son knows how I feel and I guess killing his mother doesn't seem to bother him much.
I am absolutely devistated as they are talking about marriage. I will of course bow out It will break my heart but I have to stick to my beliefs. Reply

Daughter Crisis My daughter, a 19 Y/O is dating a non-Jew. She lives with my Ex, a Jew who couldn't care less about judaism. I am modern orthodox. I told my daughter how I felt and expressed that her background, culture, herritage and faith are a beautiful gift that we received from G-d and passed down from our ancestors, and to throw it all away would be arrogant. I further told her that marrying a non-Jew would be the biggest punishment for me and that she will have to compromise the rest of her life. I also made it very clear that I will categorically not be part of that life. Millions of people stood before firing squads and were marched into gas chambers and never gave up their faith. Reply

To be a patriot of who you are and to love your own people -- doesn't make people racist.

It is normal to normal people. Reply

I am a Child of an Inter-faith Marriage ...that lasted 45 years until my father's death last year. Thank your G-d my parents never subscribed to this dogma, or I would not be here, and neither would my children. I would never have experienced a happy marriage or motherhood. Religion is the root of all discord. I am considered Jewish by birth (most definitely not by belief as I subscribe to none). I've seen the turmoil these judgments put on others. I was subjected to the frowns as the child of such union, NOT by gentile relatives - but by my jewish relatives!!!! It is not the choice to marry a non-jew. It is those outside of that relationship that cause the problems. None of you have the right to fight against discrimination while you participate in it yourselves. Don't hide behind the Torah like cowards, righteously claiming it as G-d's law when our enemies have rationalized the same in the past with their books of dogma and succeeded in wiping out entire families!!!! Shame on all of you for continuing this! Reply

Yikes This topic is getting rather hot-under-the-collar.

I see a lot of postings here by non-Jews. While there is nothing wrong with that, per se, the lack of understanding of Jewish law and what tradition actually means, (Webster's doesn't quite define it in Jewish terms!), contributes to more misunderstandings here.

Searching for truths outside of Judaism, is not a part of Judaism. Those quoting this as a way of religious life are not living a Jewish life. That isn't a judgment, just a statement of fact. If you want to be Jewish, then follow Jewish law and live a Jewish life. Otherwise don't call yourself Jewish...because you're not. Reply

Consider carefully As a child of intermarriage, I can tell you that your daughter will be placing a burden on your grandkids. My parents encouraged us to identify as Jewish, and my maternal grandparents were wonderful, observant Jews who had a big impact on us as children. Still, of the six kids, only two see the inside of a shul, one is a Xtian, and the others do not follow any religion. Reply

Intermarriage The biggest mistake I ever made in my life was to marry outside my faith! The heartache that comes during the years is intolerable. My son is being raised Jewish but with a lot of heartache. When my son was circumcised my mother-in-law came into my home screaming"What's the matter you are not going to have him baptized?" As the Italians say "Blood is thicker than water" which literally means they don't accept outsiders. After 6 million Jews were annihilated during the Holocaust you wonder why we are concerned about maintaining our lineage? I separated from my husband in the past and his first remark to me was "All you Jews run from your problems". So there is definitely an inherent bias. Spare yourself the misery and marry within your own faith and be proud of Judaism and its rich heritage. Reply

The answer to your question is Prayer and Protection over your daughtere and wisdom in her decisions. Spend time daily with Gd about this. Your grandchildren-in the future-need to learn about Gd and his rules and to love Him with all their heart. Your holidays and celebrations are sacred, when you mix with an unbeliever, it all becomes a burden and the childen, whom we are accountable for, will eventually be lukewarm in their religion. Tell you daughter, that her God and her beliefs come first. And blessings always follow when you honor your parents. Reply

sorry judaism, chrisianity, islam... all the same. We are people, who cares who your daughter is dating... is he a good person? That should your first question. Your telling me you would rather your daughter marry a disgusting Jew, who beats her every night, rather than a good and gentle christian or muslim boy. This is what is wrong with the world, people give other people a label, a tag and sees them as different and untouchable. This is one of many disgusting features to religion and the world we live in. Reply

The year has nothing to do with it While I agree that it is right to welcome one's daughter, or anyone else for that matter, back once they have left Judaism, but have returned, it is important to note that this return must be heart-felt and sincere. If the person comes back simply out of necessity, rather than sincerity, they are deceiving you and themselves.

Further, the current year has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not it is acceptable to intermarry. the laws do not change with time. Reply

Although Judaism is important for it to thrive...isn't it not "Jewishly" to not invite ones own daughter back into the house? Is it not important for her to be happy? As parents, one wants the best for their children. However, at one point one must cut the umbilical cord and allow them to make their own decisions. Be concerned if the guy is a bad influence or is taking her down a bad path with unethical actions that have negative consequences. It is 2007, interfaith is occurring and in many instances working. Give it a chance. I don't believe I ever read in the Torah to not give others an opportunity.

Ask yourself what is more important- Having a relationship with your own flesh and blood or being stubborn and letting her love for her boyfriend stand in the way of your mother/daughter bond Reply

Jewish marriage vs. Intermariage Please remember that every person and every religion has a bright side and a dark side. If your daugter marries this man and you show him hostility and intolerance, he most likely will NEVER embrace Judaism, and you are likely to turn your daughter off, too. Love your son-in-law as yourself as he is your neighbor. If you express your faith lovingly by showing this couple respect, it is FAR MORE LIKELY that your grandkids will get a Jewish education. And who knows, if you are lucky, this man may even decide to convert and become a Jew himself! Hang in there, and stay positive! Reply

My daughter also... My daughter also has/is going through this experience, with a Catholic boy. This is important because throughout history the Catholics have persecuted the Jews many, many times.

That said, I decided to let her fly and see where she landed....turns out, that was a good move. Her boyfriend has begun learning more about Judaism, and is very respectful of it. He speaks out openly against any kind of anti-semitism. She, my daughter, has become more observant of Jewish law, and is beginning to lean back in our direction...
The future is still uncertain, but perhaps, just perhaps, they both will come back to Judaism, eh? Reply

Offensive? Dear Anonymous who is offended by the quote:

Please realize that this does not mean what you think it does. When you have been with your Jewish girlfriend long enough and have learned something about our religion you may begin to understand.

Suffice it to say, love is not just love, there ARE other factors involved, especially for a Jew. We take on many, many more responsibilities than you have, and we, many of us, take them seriously.

If you wish to stay with this girl, you would do well to start respecting her religion and her father. Reply

I find it offensive that this says quote : "...or if her return home is indicating her realizing her mistake." It's not a mistake to be in love. I am non-Jewish and my girlfriend is Jewish. There is nothing wrong with that and you should just accept whatever her decision is. love is love, no matter what religion or who you are. Reply