Heaven Inc.
World of Administration

Tishrei 5, 5765

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman
x: 1875.99830 y: 354.09203 z: 925.3847103
Ground Floor
World of Assiya

Re: Planned publication of Heaven Exposed

Dear Rabbi Freeman,

Due to the urgency of the situation, I am taking these moments from my hectic schedule to write to you personally. It is certainly understood that the contents of this letter are written in strict confidence and are not to be shared with anybody.

We at Heaven Inc. have worked since Genesis 1.1 to provide a sheltered, user-friendly environment in which earthly beings may play. We have taken great pains to be as consistent as possible with the Laws of Nature (as they are called), suspending them only when absolutely required by The Boss, blessed be He, for specified exceptional and spectacular events — for otherwise, there would be no room for human rationalism. Our employees work hard to ensure that a steady flow of both vivifying and isifying energy reach your realm on a daily basis. As you are well aware, it has been demonstrably proven that major and minor crashes, freezes and glitches are caused solely through careless and often device-abusive actions of the end-users, i.e., your fellow corporeal beings.

It perturbs us, therefore, that you persist in your efforts to undermine the most critical aspect of our management scheme, namely, information protocol.

It is well known that a healthy environment can only be attained when the end-user is protected from the complexities that generate this environment. If every gamer could see the code behind each artifact of every game, the gaming industry would be pretty much down the drain.

Rabbi Freeman, certainly you would not intentionally sabotage our vital services in the same way. Yet your conduct in digging up classified documents such as were purposely and with good intent removed from public purview, and publicizing them online at Chabad.org has already caused serious damage to our protocol. Recently, information has reached us of your plans to publish these materials for distribution in the mainstream market. This is cause for even more alarm.

Surely you realize the almost certain consequences of these actions. Consider, for one moment, the devastating impact this disclosure will have upon the self-confidence of the corporeal beings. How will they continue to take pride in their puerile pastime of accumulating earthly junk if you succeed in exposing the underlying synchronicity provided by Heaven Inc.? Humankind will awaken to discover that over ninety percent of its members have been playing the game in a near passive, demo-mode, with all input generated almost exclusively from Above.

Furthermore, as you yourself have noted, a key challenge-factor of reality (as it is currently played in your realm) is the "struggle-in-the-dark" element. True, this modality has caused some unsettling moments in human history. After all, your fellow earthlies generally tend to stumble rather than struggle. However, looking at the big picture — as we in Heaven Inc. must do — these events only serve to enhance the game experience. Your actions, on the other hand, belie intent to subvert our work by hacking this key enhancement out of existence.

Indeed, it is actions such as these that could effectively jumpstart the messianic modality of Creation, in which the entire earthly populace will be occupied in nothing other than all these little exposés of Heaven's business. The entire protocol of "Heavens first, then the earth" would be effectively reversed — as you have noted from the Lunar Files. As noted in the Sinai Files, we angels would become entirely reliant upon earthlies for life-force and Divine effulgence, while extreme surges of Divine revelations would become commonplace below.

This is outrageous and unacceptable. The notion that this revolution would tap into an essence-light rather than the standard glimmer in effect today is totally irrelevant to our discussion. Subjugating a benevolent and well-established institution such as Heaven Inc. to those it has so long serviced so well is intolerable under any circumstances.

Rabbi Freeman, upon hearing these sincere and caring words of mine, I am certain you will comply with our demands and delete those Files from your hard drive and server (we have backups), denounce them publicly as misconstrued fictions, and get back to writing nice little electronic games to teach early literacy.

Yours in Confidence with Best wishes,
A Prime Ministering Angel
Heaven Inc.

Epilogue: As evidenced by a search of online book outlets this week, Rabbi Tzvi Freeman has recklessly ignored this warning letter (as well as a subsequent, more threatening lawyers' letter issued by Kategor, Sanegor, and Sanegor, Attorneys at Law, representing Heaven Inc.) and has proceeded with his planned publication and distribution of Heaven Exposed. We hear that decisive steps are being taken by Heaven Inc. and their legal representation to force a recall and destruction of all extant copies. We therefore urge you to obtain your copy immediately, before this very narrow window of opportunity is slammed shut.