Hi,

I am looking to get married and I am wondering, what are some good pointers to assist me in my search?

Answer:

The Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, of righteous memory, was often asked for advice regarding what qualities to look for when searching for a bashert, a soul mate. In his responses, three considerations are frequently mentioned:

  1. Piety: Acknowledging a Higher Authority, and the commitment to follow His directives in setting up a home is the first pre-requisite in looking at a potential spouse. The standard blessing that we give an engaged or newly married couple is, “May you build a faithful house in Israel, an eternal edifice.” The only way the edifice is eternal is when the couple is connected to the eternal.
  2. Good character: Character is what you live with, and is probably the strongest predictor of a happy marriage. The person should be kind, respectful and caring. Red flags are anger or bad temper, arrogance, stinginess, meanness, or lack of consideration for your (or others’) needs or feelings.
  3. Drawing of the heart: I.e., attraction. When all is said and done, there are many G‑d-fearing people who have fine characters — and they certainly are not all your bashert. Your bashert is other half of your soul, which was split into a male and female component before you were born. Thus, a major criterion of “bashert-ness” is an evident chemistry between you and the person you are dating — a mutual attraction — which comes from the soul sensing its soul mate.

While there is no absolute way to ascertain or guarantee whether two particular people are bashert for each other, when these three elements are in place, it is as close as you can come to knowing that you are indeed marrying your soul mate.

See Whom Should I Marry? from our section dedicated to Finding a Soulmate