Question:

I recently got married, and in general we are a very happy and loving couple.

Two days ago we got into a big fight about something so stupid, yet it has gone too far. We still have not spoken or made any attempt to speak to each other. I really feel like I messed up a lot, but at the same time I also feel that so did he.

I just don’t know how to fix this. I really need help. I love him a lot, and I’m only trying to be good at everything and make everything work out.

Is this normal?

Answer:

To answer your last question first: yes, this is totally normal. The two of you got into a fight, built a mountain out of a molehill, and now don’t know how to get rid of that awful, ugly mountain that is standing between you.

It’s actually a very good thing that you recognize and are trying to deal with the issue so that it doesn’t develop a life of its own and overwhelm you. I’m going to direct you to some terrific articles and advice given by experts on our website. G‑d willing, these will help you defuse the issue and restore marital harmony.

Transcend (from A Linguistic Solution to Marital Anger)

When we face anger, we have a choice: we can either descend and transgress, or we can transcend and transform. Anger always provides an opportunity to assert the primacy of love in our relationships over the particular, mundane irritations and pressures.

Men’s Secret (from Lonely Adam)

There is something you need to know about men. They are loners. Being in a relationship is unnatural to them. They do not automatically think about how their actions affect someone else. The default emotional state of a man is loneliness.

This is not true of women. A woman has an innate sense of relationship, of connection to others. A woman naturally shares herself and bonds with others. A man does not. She is a relationship being, he is a lonely being.

Not Easy (from Marital Harmony)

No marriage has ever survived on passion and love alone. The erroneous assumption that it could has unfortunately destroyed many a salvageable marriage. Maintaining a successful and harmonious marriage involves work, commitment and dedication.

Marital issues are especially common during the weeks and months following the wedding. During the infancy of marriage, spouses discover, to their great astonishment, that the loving angels they married are actually humans who have faults and weaknesses! The awareness that this is a normal phenomenon, and a process that every couple goes through and that can be worked out, is reassuring. Many, many couples who experience these early marriage difficulties come to terms with “real life” and proceed to have exemplary loving relationships.

Learning from the Experienced (from The Lifelong Marriage)

An elderly gentleman told me: “I say to my wife, ‘There is nothing in the world you can do to stop me from loving you, so don’t even bother trying. You are wasting your time.’”

“If we are angry with each other,” this husband also said, “we apologize and make up quickly. Since we are going to live together anyway for the rest of our lives, why not make the journey a pleasant one?”

That’s another skill these couples seem to have acquired: the ability to promptly address and deal with the disagreements and grievances that arise between them. Most of us tend to brush small problems under the carpet, hoping that by not facing or dealing with them they will automatically disappear. In most cases this is not so. Imagine that you’re traveling on a freeway and come to a fork in the road. If you take the wrong lane, you may end up many miles away from where you were meant to be. In the same way, complex relationship problems within families can often be traced back to some minor misunderstanding. The earlier we realize our mistake, the easier it is to fix.

Another elderly couple told me: “We don’t wait for our relationship to go sour and then find a solution. Instead, we are proactive, reading books and attending workshops and lectures on relationship enhancement, and constantly thinking of things we can say and do for each other to make the other feel loved.”

The Third Partner (from The Weave of Woman and Man)

Husband and wife are two distinct individuals possessing unique characteristics, habits and needs. They are often from divergent backgrounds, cultures or environments.

How can an enduring and productive union occur between such different “planets”? How can these two individuals come to love and live in affectionate unity rather than bitter discord?

This is possible only when each preserves and expresses his or her characteristics within the marriage in the service of a higher goal.

This is implied by the Hebrew words ish (man) and ishah (woman). The common letters in these words are the Hebrew letters alef and shin, spelling eish, fire. The letters that are unique to each word are yud and hei, forming one of the names of G‑d.

When man and woman base their relationship on sincerity and dedication to a higher goal, he contributes his yud and she contributes her hei, and the two work in unison.

If, however, each brings his/her personal agenda into the relationship—he leaving out his yud and she her hei—what remains is eish, a relationship fraught with fiery destructiveness and strife.

See also The Paradigm of Happiness and Marriage and Family Life.

Chaya Sara Silberberg,
Chabad.org