Got a difficult crowd coming for your Seder?

Like Aunt Miriam, the militant feminist, together with your brother-in-law, Bill, the ardent nationalistic right-winger, along with your pro-Palestinian son visiting home from college, his much-distressed super-Zionist mom brewing in a stew of emotions from across the table as his dad mulls pulling the plug on tuition, while your youngest only wants to present a thesis on the political, economic, and military fallout of the current Iran-Israel attack and counterattack.

There’s a strategy for handling crazy challenges like this. It’s called flying higher. Way higher. Because from there, you can reframe the entire situation.

Even if you’re a guest, your upbeat mood and friendliness can reset the scene. Of course, you’re not the captain of the ship, but a good sailor knows how to deftly steer things away from imminent hazards.

If you are the host or official Seder leader, here’s the plan:

Step One

Enter celebrating. The whole night depends on this first step. Get it right, and the rest is a piece of chametz-free cake.

You’re happy it’s Pesach. You’re super excited to see your kids there at the table. You’re so glad to have your aunt and even your brother-in-law. Nobody can resist someone who’s happy to see them, nobody. They can’t help it. As King Solomon put it, “As water reflects your face, so another person’s heart will reflect your heart.” We’re just wired that way.

Think of the puppy dog. Everyone loves the puppy because when you come in, it jumps up at you in glee. It holds no grudges that you left it alone in a boring apartment for ten hours or that you’ve been feeding it crummy Passover dog food. The puppy somehow knows that its best strategy for survival is always to be happy to see you.

So give your kids a hug. Show just as much warmth to the rest of your guests. Sit them down. Tell them, sincerely, how happy you are that they came.

Not sure you can do this? Rehearse it in your imagination again and again. That’s a strategy that works every time. Think about liking them. Imagine the scene when you smile at them, and they smile back. Because it’s guaranteed. Tell yourself how great it’s going to be.

Step Two

Start the Seder immediately. Even if everyone isn’t there yet, you can start by singing everyone’s favorite songs. Singing together shifts everyone’s mood, pulling everyone in to form a single whole.

Step Three

Give out Haggadahs. You can have a variety or choose just one so everyone is on the same page. Avoid the Haggadahs with political or ideological overtones. A traditional Haggadah is always going to be far less controversial. But search for one that has a readable, understandable translation, avoiding archaic language.

You can download or order the Chabad.org/Haggadah, which does an excellent job of rendering the entire traditional Haggadah accessible and meaningful.

Step Four

Have everyone make their own Seder plate. Or perhaps two want to partner on a plate. It’s a great activity to do together. Everyone gets three matzahs, a shank bone, an egg, bitter herbs, charoset, and karpas, and everyone gets to organize each thing in its place.

Step Five

Make a joyous kiddush. By this point, anyone who is coming has probably arrived. Everyone needs a full cup. One neat idea is to have each person’s table-neighbor pour their cup for them. Of course, there’s always someone who can’t or won’t drink wine, which is why you have grape juice available. But those who have no issue with it—tell them it’s bottoms-up.

After the kiddush, you can sing another song together.

Step Six

Make sure you’ve got the order of the Seder down pat from this point on. Review it well beforehand so you can keep it moving like an assembly line.

Since everyone’s got their own Seder plate, everyone can dip their own veggy, crack their own matzah, put aside their own afikoman, etc., all together.

Of course, nobody has to do anything. Your job is to make them feel excited to do it. And the truth is, everyone loves ritual once they get into it.

Step Seven

Once you’ve all sung together the Ma Nishtana four questions, give everyone a chance to read. If things begin to drag, you can tell everyone to read together. Keep in mind that the meat of the Exodus story begins after you sing V’hee She’amda (“This is what has stood for us…”). It’s in this next section that the juicy topics for discussion come up.

Discussion is good—it’s an integral part of the Seder. But with one iron-clad caveat: No politics.

Your job: Gently steer any discussion away from the multiple contentious issues. Focus on tradition, Torah wisdom, and Jewish history. If something toxic begins to arise, don’t react. Make like it didn’t happen. Just subtly shift emphasis to the points we all embrace.

To assist, if you feel it’s necessary, have some read out loud the following:

We’re all here tonight because we have some big things in common.

For one, we all feel that being at a Passover Seder is important. Proof is, we’re all here.

For another, we’re all related to each other. For another, we’re Jewish.

(Alternatively, if there are non-family guests: For another, we’re all related to each other, because we’re Jewish.)

And, as Jews, we hold onto a shared group memory, a story of liberation from slavery, of miracles and wonders, of the dignity of human life, and a sense of meaning, purpose, and destiny.

There are also a lot of things we disagree upon. Some things we really, really disagree upon.

So, tonight, we’re going to put aside the stuff that tears us apart and focus on those things that hold us together. And there’s a lot.

Step Eight

If you’ve gotten to this point, you’re doing stellar. Keep your sense of humor, keep happy, and most importantly, keep thinking how much you love all these people.

With that attitude, you’ll get all the way to Afikoman, even Hallel and Nirtzah, with everyone laughing and loving one another’s company. Now, that’s what you call a successful Seder.

Passover night is not a time to resolve conflict. It’s a time to transcend it. It’s not about who will win; it’s not even about creatively creating a win-win situation. It’s about taking everyone to a place where there’s no conflict to begin with. To a place where we are one soul, with one heritage, and one destiny.

For tight tidbits to give out to your guests to share at the table, see Haggadah Tidbits.

For some insights that could prompt some heavy but non-contentious discussion, see Seven Haggadah Passages That Should Bug You.

For the script of a skit starring four siblings with four questions in four parts, see What’s So Wise About the Wise Child?