When a child marries, parents wonder, "Will he settle down and be a loving and responsible person?" I remember when I married off my oldest son and was so happy to see him grow into a responsible husband and father, who would often get up with a child at night so that his wife could sleep and was at her side when they needed to take a child to the doctor. He didn't seem to mind that he could no longer go out at night or spend days on trips to his favorite places. Perhaps because he was raised with the Victory Method, he managed the stresses without resorting to escapism or criticism, even when irritated or exhausted. That's maturity.

However, some married people never make this transition. They remain immature, wanting to be free to have fun or pursue their careers without the burden and responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. Although there are also women like this, the phenomenon is more common in men. The "married bachelor" type is well-known to advisors and rabbis, who chastise them, but rarely see change.

Many of these men did not really want to get married, but succumbed to family and social pressure. Feeling that they were forced into marriage and forced to have children, their "revenge" is seen in a passive-aggressive refusal to accept responsibility and an attitude of resentment toward their "restrictive" wives and "stifling" way of life. Some of the main traits are:

· Magical Thinking: He takes loans, thinking the money will be repaid, without any concrete idea as to how this will happen. He often says, "I want to be rich, but without having to put any real effort into making money."

· Narcissism: He wants to be the center of his wife's world, expecting her to be available 24/7 to take care of his needs, including 3-course meals and a spotless house, without having to give anything in return.

· Dependency: If he had a pampering mother, he we wants his wife to continue to "mother" him, to massage his ego, build him up and accept him unconditionally no matter how immature he is. If he had a critical, controlling mother, he may see all women as threatening and trying to dominate and will transfers all his bottled up feelings of rage and helplessness onto his wife, expressing the fury he could not express as a child.

· Selfishness: He does not mind giving—but only if he initiates the act. He may be known in the neighborhood as the good guy who always has time to help others. But if his wife initiates a request, he may become verbally or even physically abusive, seeing her as a demanding nag.

· Irresponsibility: He wants to come and go as he pleases, to stay out all night and sleep half the day if he desires. He has no set schedule. She has no idea where he is, who he spends time with, what he does with the money or where the money comes from and he gets angry if she asks.

· Escapism: He hates stress. Instead of looking for solutions, he runs away into addictions, such as alcohol, drugs or internet or threatens to leave.

· Impatience. When he wants to go, he goes. If he invites her to come along, he resents having to wait for her to get ready, organize a baby sitter or organize the children's food or belongings for the outing. He doesn't seem to understand that a mother cannot simply pick up and go at a moment's notice.

As the wife becomes aware that she has, essentially, married a man who has remained a child, she falls into despair. After all, love means that the other person's happiness is as important as your own. And in this case, there is no real love. Instead of having a partner and a friend, she has an adversary. Feeling resentful, betrayed and lonely, she begins to display the following symptoms:

· Nagging: She nags him to stay home, to talk, to share his life, which makes him even angrier and justifies his spending time away from "the nag."

· Suspiciousness: She starts to go through his pockets and his cell phone, trying to find out about his life and fearful of possible betrayals. Is he drinking? On inappropriate internet sites? Does he have any diseases?

· Anxiety: Anyone who feels trapped will experience anxiety. After trying all the therapists and tactics which were supposed to get him to grow up, she gradually realizes how alone she is.

· Shame: She is too ashamed to tell anyone, knowing that she'll be blamed. She may be ashamed that he does not get up to pray or that he refuses to work on a regular basis, waiting for the "mood" to be right.

· Rage: She waits up all night for him to come home and then rages at him for hours, pouring out her grief, which gives him an excuse to stay away.

· Despair: She drags him to a marital therapist, who tries to help him become more committed to his wife and children. Can he study with a child for five minutes? Take out the garbage once a day? Is there something – anything! – he is willing to do on a consistent and predictable basis? Feeling attacked, he gets angry, because now not only is his wife "on my back" but the therapist is also trying to stifle, restrict and constrict him.

· Failure: The therapist tells her to "respect him more" and build him up, but she is left wondering, "How do I show respect for someone I don't respect?" No one has figured out the answer to this question. She feels that she is a failure for not being able to satisfy her husband's infantile needs or for being such an enraged and resentful witch.

What can be done?

If you are married to a "bachelor" type, you soon learn that you cannot force another person to grow up. No amount of nagging, hounding, threatening and moralizing helps; coercion only make them more distant and violent and makes them feel like the victims. The most important thing a human being can do in any stressful situation is to focus on choices. Here are a few for you:

· Acknowledge Your Grief: You feel like a married widow. The difference is that real widows are given sympathy and understanding, while everyone tells you what a wonderful guy you married.

· Resist Hope Dope: Many therapists and advisors offer you "hope," promising that he will change if you just respect and accept him. The truth is that no one changes unless he feels a sense of shame and a strong desire to change.

· Be Responsible: You, too, might want to be irresponsible, crawl under the covers and drown yourself in self-pity. Instead, you must be a positive role model for the children. An irresponsible and unpredictable father has a very negative effect on children. Therefore, do everything in your power to train them to be responsible, reliable and trustworthy. Although he lives in chaos, you must adopt predictable schedules. Go to sleep and get up at a set time. Have set times to pray, eat, exercise and work to give children a sense of predictability and reliability. You will have to find a job, as you cannot rely on him for money.

· Hide Your Anger: Being angry at him makes children angry with you. They will take his side, especially if he is a laid-back type who pampers and indulges them just as he pampers and indulges himself.

· Accept the Conundrum: This is basically a no-win situation, no matter what you do, you'll be seen as wrong. If you accept the behavior, he's happy, because he wants to be free to come and go as he pleases without restrictions. If you criticize him, he uses your resentment as an excuse to feel like a victim and attack you.

· Pray to be Grateful, Not Bitter: Lack of love can make a person very bitter. It takes hard work hard to overcome this "cancer of the spirit." Most important is to turn G‑d into your source of love and strength.