How hard do we have to work to find, create and maintain an ecstatic marriage? Or is the ecstasy something that comes naturally and spontaneously?
The Lubavitcher Rebbe expands on a traditional halachic distinction between Shabbat (Sabbath) and Yom Tov (i.e., Jewish holidays or festivals). Shabbat is an event that occurs without requiring man's participation. At sundown, each and every Friday night, the holiness of Shabbat enters our world, whether or not people have taken any particular action. In contrast, traditionally the start of a Yom Tov is based on a Jewish court's decision, setting the calendar for that month.
(For example, if the court declared that the month of Tishrei began on Friday night, September 22nd, then the holiday of Yom Kippur would begin 9 days later, on the 10th of Tishrei, Sunday night, October 1st. Even if the court later found that it had erred in its calculation, the timing of the Yom Tov would stand, based on the court's initial decree.)
"How will I know that this is the right person, the perfect person? And how do I know that our mutual attraction will last over time?"
Thus, the holiness of Shabbat occurs automatically, every seventh day, based on the astronomical calendar whereas the holiness of a Yom Tov is based on a human calendar, decreed by a Jewish court.
The "Shabbat versus Yom Tov" modes can be understood as a metaphor for marriage.
Many young people raise fears about making the commitment to marry. "How will I know that this is the right person, the perfect person, the person who is truly the other half of my soul (my bashert)?" "And even if I meet such a person, how do I know that our mutual attraction will last over time?"
I advise those young people to devote the same conscious planning to marriage that they devoted to finding a college and planning a life career. Become conscious of what kind of a person, you are likely to be happy with. Also, consider more broadly, what kind of personal characteristics predict stability in marriage, while identifying pitfalls that can lead one to choose inappropriately.
As well, while recognizing that a certain level of attraction is a necessity for a good marriage, we protect ourselves if we see the limitations of infatuation as a criterion. Etymologically, the root of "infatuation" means "to make a fool of." Infatuation alone has not protected millions of marriages from ending in divorce. Most important, the main guarantee that the initial attraction will persist and grow is the couple's readiness to act--to continue to actively re-create and deepen their love.
And it is here that the "Shabbat versus Yom Tov" metaphor is so helpful. The popular secular media report that love and marriage should be only like Shabbat: their magic and holiness should be an automatic gift bestowed upon us, without effort on our part. In contrast, Yom Tov teaches us that the highest, most infinite and transforming love is that which people actively create. We are given that creative power by G‑d. We need to trust that we are capable of the task. In fact we need both Shabbat--magical infatuation, and Yom Tov--earned closeness.
The main guarantee that the initial attraction will persist and grow is the couple's readiness to act: to continue to actively re-create and deepen their love.
Therefore, if we meet someone whom we feel has the fine qualities that are necessary to build a marriage, we can seriously consider marrying him or her, even if we don't feel totally overwhelmed with infatuation, Hollywood style. If we do feel a solid attraction to them, we can build the infatuation, and deepen the love, over time.
This interplay between Shabbat and Yom Tov continues over the course of marriage. Drawing on our connection to the infatuation of Shabbat keeps us committed and generous, even when we lack a rational solution to a specific moment of marital conflict.
Our strongest infatuation for our spouse is usually felt in the early years of our relationship, when we faced fewer responsibilities, or perhaps when we first met. So, at a point of marital conflict, when we feel ourselves being pulled away from our connection to our spouse, we have a potential resource: we can bring into mind the old feelings of infatuation; these feelings can overpower our irritation and keep us close to our spouse, even if we don't have an answer for the current problem.
A psychologist would state this as such: a couple can build a loving marriage logically by being good to each other and appreciating each other's dedication. In addition, there must be moments of trans-rational, magical infatuation, if the marriage is to reach its full potential. That infatuation is fuelled by the couple's consciously building into their lives moments of shared joy.
