How do I know if I have married my soul-mate?


Dear Rachel,

You know when you have married your soul-mate when you are standing beneath the chupah.

The Talmud tells us about an interesting two-thousand-year-old Israeli custom. After a young man would get married, people would ask him a curious question: "Have you found, or are you finding?" Depending on his answer, the questioner would then quote him a verse. If he says that he has "found," they would quote the verse: "A person who has found a wife has found good." If, however, he answers that he is "finding," they quoted the verse: "I am finding something more bitter than death, the wife (woman)."

The attitude for a great marriage is displayed by the ones who answer, "I found." They are saying that they are fully committed that this spouse is the one for them. They no longer are checking out and seeing whether they possibly made a mistake. They understand that with all the future hardships and broken fantasies, with all the personality flaws and shattered dreams, with all the arguing and tears that will be shed, even with all these things, this is the one for them. They are going to persevere and work through all their issues and create the relationship that they both deserve. People who have "found" their spouses and are constantly making them feel that they are the only one for them, "have found good."

On the other hand, spouses who are constantly "finding," evaluating if they have made the right decision, make their partners feel judged and never really give them a sense of security in the relationship; security that would allow them to trust that their spouse will be there no matter what happens. Such people will find themselves in a situation that feels "more bitter than death."

We must constantly treat our spouses as our soul-mates. It takes time to build the confidence necessary to show the real you, to let your spouse in deeper and deeper, as you peel away the layers of fear, anxiety and pain caused by past broken trusts. After years of growing closer and closer, treating your spouse as a precious and intimate part of yourself, you will discover the depth of your relationship and how you are both connected at a deep soul level, as soul-mates.