For the last ten years, when writing the secular date, we have written the number 2 and then added two zeroes. Then came the year 2010. How long has it taken for your fingers to subtract that one zero? It takes time and effort for an old, automatic response to be erased in the brain and for a new response to take hold. This conscious, deliberate effort of incorporating new responses is how we engrave new information in our brains. There is no magic. It takes time and effort. And it doesn't matter if we are talking about not eating sweets after a meal, or not getting angry, depressed or anxious in response to an upset.

In order to stay in the calm zone when dealing with relationship frustrations, we must train ourselves to overcome our negative automatic response patterns. Take a minute to think back to a scene from childhood when you didn't get something you wanted, or made a mistake. How did you, and the people around you, respond? If you grew up with saintly parents, then when you got a poor mark on a test, made a mess, broke a dish or lost an item, someone said something like, "You're far more important than that item." Or, "Everything G‑d does is for our best." When you were in pain, someone responded with compassion and empathy and guided you through it. The reactions of the mature adults in your home taught you how to handle losses.

However, if you did not grow up with people who were so proactively working on their character traits, then you may have learned that the way to deal with stress is to slam doors, scream angrily, eat junk food, or freeze in depressive silence. The result is that now, when you feel helpless, ashamed or angry, you fall back on your old patterns, such as cursing, yelling, eating, sulking in despair, or freezing in anxiety. Get mad, bad, sad, sick or crazy. Many people never outgrow these patterns. They are as deeply ingrained in our psyches as our mother tongue.

However, we can slowly train ourselves to stay in the calm zone when we are frustrated or disappointed. Yes, it will take time and a great deal of effort, but the results will be a sense of personal empowerment and self-respect. Just like putting one zero after the "2" instead of two zeroes, you can train yourself to respond with logic, compassion and faith.

The Training Program:

The next time your spouse does something you don't like, ask yourself the following questions. It will require a huge degree of humility to answer honestly. Focusing on the answers will help you stay in the calm zone when you are disappointed in your spouse.

1. What do I want that I'm not getting?

2. What will be the effect of not getting what I want?

3. Is he or she purposely depriving me of what I want? Can I know with 100% certainty that they are acting this way due to deliberate malice against me? Or, are they doing this out of lack of intelligence, insensitivity or immaturity?

4. If, in the midst of an angry retort, someone were to offer me $10,000 for giving the benefit of the doubt and staying calm, would I be able to control myself?

5. Can I know, with 100% certainty that my spouse could do better and could give me what I want – at this moment?

6. Can I know with 100% certainty what is motivating their behavior, including the effects of their childhood programming or level of emotional/intellectual intelligence?

7. Can I know with 100% certainty that G‑d wants me to get the love, understanding and appreciation which I crave from this person? (This is the hardest one!)

Why doesn't G‑d give us what we want? Is He just being mean? Why so much suffering? Why can't people be more saintly? Why are people so stubborn, insensitive, immature, nasty and apathetic? Relationships are difficult because every person is at a different place in terms of his spiritual growth. And when the gap is great, we feel so alone and frustrated that we think it will be helpful to preach, scold or admonish. In order to maintain dialogue, it is helpful to:

1. Listen in Order to Learn: Find out about your spouse's motivations, what gives them pleasure and why they are making the choices they make.

2. Borrow a Wise Face: Picture a revered rabbi, hero or mentor whose wise, patient, compassionate face can inspire us to remain calm in times of pain. Some of them survived the Holocaust or experienced numerous losses, yet responded to provocations with dignity. Try it the next time your spouse is critical.

3. Have Compassion For Yourself: We're not going to get all we want in life. "No one dies with even half his heart's desires fulfilled" (Ecclesiastes). If you don't get all you want, trust that G‑d gives us everything we truly need – not necessarily all we'd like to get.

4. Have Compassion For Others: We are all imperfect and limited in our grasp of reality and our ability to satisfy others' desires.

5. Thank G‑d for reminding you of your existential aloneness. Let the pain carve out a place which can be filled with Him.

6. Thank G‑d for giving you a chance to work on your character traits. If we were surrounded by saintly people, life would be far too easy! The challenge is to act saintly when those around us make us feel like tearing our hair out!

Our ability to discipline ourselves and stay in the calm zone will arouse the respect and trust of those who are capable of being respectful and trusting. By listening respectfully to your spouse, you demonstrate to him or her how to listen to you. Unless the person is abusive or emotionally disturbed, you will have an effect on your spouse and, hopefully, find a way to resolve conflicts in a mutually respectful manner.

Spouses are known to behave badly at times. They whine. They nag. They criticize, complain, lecture and rant. They lie. They forget. They neglect their responsibilities. They neglect themselves. They neglect us! In fact, the number of bad things they do is just too large to enumerate. Why do spouses behave this way?

When your spouse behaves badly, how do you explain it to yourself? Do you use any of the following popular explanations?

• He or she is trying to hurt me.
• He or she is evil.
• He or she is incredibly stupid.
• He or she is an awful person.
• He or she is mentally ill (although not diagnosable).
• He or she is just like his or her evil mother/father.
• He or she is out to get me.
• He or she gets pleasure out of my pain.
• He or she is a damaged person.

Think Again.

Toxic explanations for toxic behavior are, to put it simply, toxic. That person you stood under the wedding canopy with is still that person – that precious human being who you joyfully signed on with as life partners. Now that you're living together, you see other sides of this person. You see how s/he functions under pressure and stress, or handles overwhelming responsibilities. You see that he or she sometimes falls to pieces, doesn't cope, disintegrates and otherwise demonstrates human frailty. You see how that person deals with your displeasure and frustration, and how that person handles being hurt or diminished.

There is a commandment in the Torah to judge others favorably. This means we are obligated to look for benign reasons for their misbehavior unless all the evidence repeatedly points to a negative judgment. Even when a particular action must be judged negatively, we are not allowed to condemn the entire person – only that one behavior.

Here are some benign alternative explanations for bad spousal behavior. How often do you use them when your spouse behaves badly?

• He or she is tired, stressed or under the weather.
• He or she never learned a better way in his or her family of origin.
• He or she doesn't really understand how destructive this particular behavior is.
• He or she is reacting out of hurt.
• He or she has emotional baggage that accounts for this and it is not as "personal" as it might seem.
• He or she has been accidentally encouraged or reinforced in this particular negative behavior by my own actions or reactions.
• He or she can't do any better in this area due to various mental or emotional limitations.

Benefits of Alternative Explanations

Alternative explanations help reduce our rage and disappointment in our spouse's failings and errors. Although we may still feel hurt or frustrated, the intensity of these feelings can be lightened. Spiritually, a more positive spin on things is promised to come back to us on our own day of judgment when G‑d will judge us just as we judged others – most notably our spouse. The Torah teaches us that we are judged according to the very same standards we used with others – either a tendency to be strict, harsh and condemning, or a tendency to be lenient and understanding. Would you be willing to be judged according to your own rules?

It's hard to deal with our imperfect spouses. However, it becomes a bit easier when we look at them with compassionate and forgiving eyes. We can still set boundaries, ask for what we need, go to marital counseling and all the rest. We can still work toward improvement. We don't have to tolerate improper behavior. However, we can certainly interpret it in the most beneficial way possible to help ourselves and our partner. We can look for alternate explanations.