I was on my way to an appointment for a sonogram as a precautionary step to confirm that the complications I had experienced previously with my pregnancy with Chaim Boruch were not a current concern.
An hour of images being recorded—and an hour of feelingWe connected over the beauty of parenting absolute gratitude for modern medicine and the expertise of the technician—I quietly whispered to G‑d deep praises and thankfulness for the gifts He blesses me with daily.
The technician was very kind and friendly, and we connected over the beauty of parenting.
After she was finished documenting all her images on the computer, she said goodbye, wishing me well, and notified me that the doctor who is on call would arrive shortly to go over the sonogram results and images.
Thankfully, I have been through this a few times since Chaim Boruch was born and have met many doctors—some of whom were more diplomatic than others, and some of whom were gifted with an extra dose of sensitivity to the patient and to the concept of miracles, belief and trust.
So, I made a mental note to remind myself that no matter who would enter the room, I would keep my inner strength in tact and know that G‑d is truly the one who knows every detail of the world.
Minutes pass, and I hear a gentle knock on the door.
A doctor slowly peeks around the curtain hanging in the dimmed room, and slowly says she thinks we may know each other from a previous connection with one of my children.
It is mere seconds, but the length of time fills my mind with images and memories that slowly drift before me, I am putting a name to a face, transporting me back in time, all while confirming her suggestion.
Indeed, we did meet many years ago.
Our eyes lock as she sits down. We are both incredulous, and in awe of the moment and reunion. Yes. Indeed . . . a reunion we both would never forget.
Dr. Hoppkins. That was her name. And then it all came tumbling out as my heart burst with emotion and my eyes filled with tears.
This incredible doctor delivered my Chaim Boruch 11 years ago.
I was transferred from my current medical group of midwives to UCSF, a world-renowned hospital that would take over my care and delivery for those last four weeks of pregnancy.
This would be my first experience having a doctor deliver, and I will always be in awe of her time, expertise, extreme sensitivity, care and dedication to every detail that we were dealing with.
Dr. Hoppkins stayed with me for 21 hours. She did not move from my side and gave me incredible support, and now I finally had another chance to thank her.
We sat in that dark little room and embraced. I told with her that I have been wanting to locate her and meet up with her again to share with her how far our special baby has come. It has been a dream in the back of my head, yet I believe part of my heart may not have been ready until now.
You see, part of me wanted so badly to go back to those nightmarish days. I felt that until I would meet up with this incredible doctor, I could not entirely pull full closure to this circle in my life.
A piece of my heart needed to talk to someone else who had been in that room. Who saw me go through what I went through. Someone besides my husband and my midwife, who could remind me that indeed what transpired was challenging, heart-wrenching and yet miraculous, hopeful and full of love.
I could barely breathe sitting but inches away from Dr. Hoppkins, as we reminisced with moist eyes.
Two women with a passion for life, living and children . . . belief, trust and miracles.
What I did not know or realize at the time was her admiration for our strength as a couple, our closeness to G‑d and our deep belief in miracles. I do not recall any such feelings or closeness.
However, I do recall intense fear, heartbreak, overwhelming despair and an agonizing desperate feeling of wanting to run away with my baby.
It truly amazes me, that after 11 years, someone can look at the same situation and offer a new light on what those hours and days were also filled with, even though in my heart and mind they were covered with much emotion.
And this was the gift of closure for me. A testimony to what occurred not only in a sterile hospital room and NICU ward, but in the recesses of my heart.
As I scrolled through photos on my phone of my precious Chaim Boruch—singing hisI recall intense fear and overwhelming despair praises of strength, love and his pure soul—within only a few minutes I traveled the span of 11 years.
I traveled from very challenging territory to a time and place that is so deeply beautiful and breathtaking.
Today.
A new day with a stronger belief and trust in G‑d, a closer relationship and a constant reminder to the gift of time, healing and milestones.
After about half an hour of time standing still, we embraced. Not only out of gratitude for each other, but gratitude for this gift of Divine providence.
Hashgacha pratis, Divine supervision, where nothing in our life is “random,” and every detail of our existence is truly choreographed by G‑d, with His infinite love for each of us, our potential and our journey in reaching it.
I do not recall the 20-minute drive home. I cried tears of joy and happiness for the gift of coming full circle—not in any other way other than the full circle drawn in the depths of my heart.
Thank you, G‑d, for sharing with me the tapestry of life.
Woven strands of the infinite colors of living.
