Help! I've got kids...

Help! I've got kids... http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=631187 Skills to Successfully Parent Your Child Copyright 2009, Chabad.org - Chabad-Lubavitch Media Center, all rights reserved. Sun, 15 Nov 2009 12:00:00 EST Sun, 15 Nov 2009 12:00:00 EST http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=1008806 Morning Rush http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=1008806 Dear Bracha, My eldest son, who is almost six, wakes up much earlier than my younger son, almost four. The older one wants my attention just when I need to start my day and prepare food for breakfast and lunch. Then, when it's time for my younger son to wake, the older one wants to play with him, and often they begin to fight. I get no cooperation from him, which means no cooperation from my younger son, who is fond of imitating his big brother. I hate having to raise my voice before leaving the house instead of spending it happily with my children. Additionally, I am often late to work. Any suggestions? Worn-out Single Mom Dear Single Mom, You obviously have your hands full, and with no backup at home you are at a two-against-one disadvantage. However, as you explained, your older son is the focal point of this problem. Attention is what every child wants, and they are willing to do almost anything to get it. It is a subconscious need that compels your son to act the way he does. The good news is that it is perfectly normal, but the trick is how to get him to act in a more "helpful" way. We, adults, are driven by time. We have jobs, carpools and commitments. Children, on the other hand, are completely oblivious to all this. Time, and the pressure you feel in the morning, means nothing to your son. You must cast away any negative feelings that place the situation in the realm of deliberate non-cooperation. Instead, look at the situation from an attention/fun point of view – your child's view. The fact that he is willing to wake up early to spend extra time with you bespeaks his need strongly. I would suggest that you must satisfy his need, but on your terms. So how do you give your child the attention he craves, on your terms, and still get out the door on time? You have several options. The key is to remember the definition of attention – Touch, Talking and Eye Contact. Provide attention to give positive reinforcement, and withhold attention to discourage behavior. But what we are really talking about is to add it at crucial times to increase cooperation and keep your older son engaged. He wants to be with you; messing around with his little brother is just a way to get you to focus on him again. Inevitably you will start talking with him to get him to stop – that's attention. (And P.S. – do not give rewards such as candy and gifts,, for good behavior. They are bribes and set a bad precedent. Extra rewards for good behavior should be hugs, kisses, high fives, extra songs or stories, etc.) Suggestions for increasing positive interactions include: <ul> <li>He can help you make the lunches. Keep up a positive conversation with him as he assists.</li> <li>Play music, and sing with him as you work.</li> <li>Get him to help dress and take care of his little brother with your guidance. The three of you will be in the room together, instead of leaving him "out" of the interactions.</li> <li>Make games to get your sons though some moments of the morning. Racing the "clock" is a good one. A task needs to be done, such as dressing, and you count while they dress to see how "fast" they can do it.</li></ul> This little guy, this almost six-year-old, is now your best helper. He is capable of a lot when he is working alongside you. This will benefit him tremendously because you will be giving him justifiable praise for real accomplishments, and this is what leads to true self-esteem! You will let him know that you are so grateful for him because he is such a good help to you and takes such great care of his younger brother. In the bedtime Shema, some people include the request: "…establish thou for us the work of our hands, the work of our hands establish thou it." Why is it so important that the phrase is repetitive? One of the answers is because every person, even a very young one, feels that their efforts are worthwhile when appreciated. Your son is waiting to help you with everything. He just needs a little instruction, and with a few fun games, he is going to do a great job! You are on the cusp of discovery with your young sons, about to bond on a whole new level. Enjoy the journey. Wishing you and your family all the best! Bracha Sun, 15 Nov 2009 12:00:00 EST http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=998013 The Deciding Factor http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=998013 Question: My twelve-year-old daughter has a very hard time making decisions. The truth is, I see myself in her because I'm the same way. Decisions were always difficult for me and I often procrastinate as a result. Therefore, my question is, "How can I help my daughter?" Answer: From all of creation, only man has the power of free choice. All other creations are subject to the natural laws with which G‑d created the world. A ray of sunlight will always be refracted into a spectrum of seven colors and the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west. Even an angel's existence is static. Man alone has the capacity to become closer with G‑d through his ability to make choices on how to respond to life's situations. Life is a series of decisions. Who you are today is a result of the choices you've made until now. We're constantly choosing: what to wear, where to live, to be happy or not. We even choose whether to make a decision or to have the decision made for us. A decision entails tradeoffs, it entails commitment, and it requires one to take responsibility for the consequences of his choices. The very act of deciding limits us; it strips us of the illusion of freedom we have when all options are open to us. Acting upon our decisions also takes courage. If we don't act, we don't risk failure. In this regard, Rabbi Menachem Nachum of Chernobyl, in his book Me'or Enayim, informs us that with everything we do, the counsel and intelligence that enters our head before taking action is sent from G‑d. Hence, a life of faith helps us keep the sometimes-paralyzing fear of failure at bay. Every day, our children, like us, are presented with a myriad of choices. Each choice they make reveals values, defines character and instills confidence to make further choices. Empower your children – from a young age – by teaching them to choose. Provide them with lots of opportunities to make small decisions. While too many choices can be overwhelming for a small child, allow them to choose their preferences within a given framework: An apple or cucumber, music or dance, baseball or basketball. By nurturing our children with the ability to make decisions, we also teach them to think before they act, to understand the concept of cause and effect. A child who becomes skilled in these areas will learn to evaluate his options. And he'll feel good about himself and stand strong in his convictions, even in the face of peer pressure. Every child is bound to make mistakes. While success is wonderful, failure actually provides more opportunity for growth. If after you've explained to your child the importance of finishing his book report, he chooses to play instead, let him. Personal experience is the best teacher. Later, refrain from using the "I told you so," rebuke, but rather, use this incident to talk about what he's learned from his decision. Here are some more tips to enhance your budding decision-maker: <ul> <li>Describe your child's everyday actions in terms of decisions: You chose to come late, you chose to share, you chose to break down the tower you built.</li></ul> <ul> <li>Teach your child that they have the power to choose whether or not to feel embarrassed, hurt, to forgive a wrongdoing, to despair or be optimistic.</li></ul> <ul> <li>Express confidence in your child's ability to make correct decisions. Shopping with a teenager provides an excellent venue for encouraging statements, such as "If you like it, it's nice," or "I'm sure that you will choose the right gift for your friend."</li></ul> <ul> <li>Use stories to explore different kinds of behavior and to delve into the idea of cause and affect. Help your child identify and reflect upon good and negative choices and the resulting outcomes. Ask thought-provoking questions like, "What do you think the character should do?" or "What do you think would have happened if the character had made a different choice?"</li></ul> Sun, 8 Nov 2009 12:00:00 EST http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=977865 How to Tell Kids About Divorce http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=977865 Dear Tzippora, My husband and I are divorcing. We have three young children, ages five, three, and one, and I'm very concerned how my children will respond to this upheaval. How do we break the news to the kids, and what should we tell them? Divorce-Bound Mommy Dear Divorce-Bound Mommy, First of all, let me commend your maturity and your commitment to your children's welfare. It must have taken a lot of self-control to put aside your own pain and write this letter. Divorce is a trauma that sometimes makes it hard for parents to separate their children's best interests from their own. The fact is that it is almost always in the children's best interest to grow up in an intact family. Research has shown that the trauma suffered by children whose parents have divorced lasts well into their adult lives, and even impacts their own ability to choose and commit to a marital partner. Therefore, divorce should truly be a last resort, and only considered once an extended course of therapy, i.e. at least six months, with a professional and licensed therapist has not been successful at improving the situation. Furthermore, while divorcing couples may wish to get as far away from each other as quickly as possible, it is simply not in their children's best interest for them to do so. Rather, what children need from their parents at this time is that both parents demonstrate their commitment to continue to parent them and to remain actively involved in their daily lives. Before you sit down with your children, sit down together with your spouse and try to make an agreement that details how you intend to make sure you both remain available to your children, and how to insure that any animosity between the two of you stays contained and does not overflow into your relationships with your children. This includes an absolute ban on complaining to your children about your ex, or making them feel guilty or disloyal for maintaining their intimate connections with both of you. I strongly recommend seeking therapy or mediation together in order to receive expert help in the establishment of a divorce contract. This contract should include an agreement to not move beyond a reasonable distance from each other, i.e. no cross-country moves, within the first six months of the divorce, and if possible, not to sell your home immediately (if at all), in order to allow your children to get used to the changes gradually. Then, once you have established the ground rules of this new world called divorce, sit down together with your children, and explain as best as you can what the future will hold. Explain where they will live, and how often they will see each of you. Explain what the divorce will mean for them in concrete terms. For example, you might say, "On the days when you see Daddy, he will give you dinner and a bath, and then bring you home at bedtime," or, "On the days when you see Daddy, he will put you to bed in his new apartment, and take you to nursery school, and Mommy will pick you up after school." Try to be calm as you break the news. Your children will take their emotional cues from you in order to understand how to interpret the news. If you and your spouse remain calm, you can help them make this transition as smooth as possible, and minimize their trauma. I have tried to describe what the ideal approach is. But sometimes emotions are simply too volatile to allow for a calm, rational course of action. In that case, allow your spouse to read and digest this reply alone, and then discuss together the best approach for your family. In the event of conflict, for the sake of your children, do not hesitate to seek professional help. The Talmud tells us that when a couple divorces, the altar in the Holy Temple weeps. I would venture to say that in addition to the tears shed over the dissolution of the marriage covenant, there is at least a portion of those tears shed for the sake of the children whose lives will be altered. Divorce may end to a couple's spousal relationship, yet they remain bound by a shared commitment to their children. Creating a workable post-divorce parenting relationship requires a lot of finesse, and sensitivity. Good luck. Sun, 1 Nov 2009 12:00:00 EST http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=958653 Should Parents Apologize to their Children? http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=958653 We are all wrong. At least, we are all wrong some of the time. Still, we're all right. That's because we're all right a lot of the time as well. No one is all wrong all of the time, nor is anyone always right. Confused? I'll say it more simply: every single one of us makes mistakes sometimes. Every single one of us is imperfect. Every single one of us needs to improve in some way. You'd think this was obvious, but it is not. There are many parents who present themselves to their kids as if perfect. Such parents never apologize for anything because, in their opinion, they are never wrong. At the same time, they may be very hard on their children – quick to identify mistakes and deficiencies and intent on hearing apologies for wrongdoings. When children are young, they have no choice but to absorb the criticism and complaints. But when they become adolescents, they may take to talking back and challenging the parent. "You're always screaming at me!" a teen might complain. "That's because you never listen!" retorts the parent. The parent actually teaches the child, through his or her model, that defensive remarks are appropriate ways to respond to criticism. Unfortunately, such a lesson will handicap the child later on in his or her adult relationships. Defensiveness doesn't work! It pushes people apart instead of bringing them closer together. Moreover, it indicates a haughty attitude, the kind of attitude that is loathed by G‑d. The Talmud is replete with condemnations of haughtiness and similarly replete with praise for those who are humble. This Talmudic statement sums it up powerfully: "Someone haughty in spirit, it is as though he were an idolater" (Sotah 4b). He worships himself! Humility allows people to apologize. Arrogance holds them back. What works is acknowledgement. Hearing, accepting and validating a complaint really works in marriage, parenting and professional situations. But children need to experience this process first hand. They need to learn it from their parents. So what should a parent say when accused of screaming too much? The parent might respond: "You're right, I do scream a lot. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing that. I need to handle my frustration better." This attention, acknowledgement and validation amounts to a very nice apology. It will help the child learn to formulate similar responses to attacks. In addition, it will help the child acknowledge his or her own role in the current dispute. An older child is much more likely to say something like, "I know you're frustrated – I didn't do what I said I would. It's not your fault. I'm really sorry. I'll get to it today." A younger one might say, "That's okay, Mommy. I'm sorry, too." When the parent leads the way by apologizing, children find it easier and more natural to follow suit. A good apology is much more than "I'm sorry." Unless the person states what he or she is sorry about, the words can feel empty and cold. This is where the acknowledgment part comes in: acknowledgment is a summary of the wrongdoing as it affects the other person. When arriving late, for example, a person would say something like, "I'm sorry I'm late. I've kept you waiting." This short, simple-but-complete message names the mistake and its ramifications. Here are a few more examples: <ul> <li>"I'm sorry I called you 'immature.' I know that hurt your feelings."</li> <li>"I'm sorry I forgot to buy you the cookies I promised to pick up. I know you must be very disappointed."</li> <li>"I'm sorry I bumped into you. Are you alright?"</li></ul> Simple and sincere apologies are powerful. They heal relationship wounds. Showing kids how it is done gives them a skill that will truly enhance their lives. Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:00:00 EST http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=966805 Daughter is Selfish http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=966805 Dear Bracha, As my daughter entered into her teen years, she became so consumed with her wants and needs! For instance, every year I volunteer at her school, something I love to do. But this year, following the birth of my son, I asked her if she'd babysit her brother while I volunteered. She refused to babysit and claimed that I was ruining her time. I felt her plans were not very important and a terrible feud ensued. I know I shouldn't feel the way I do toward her. It hurts me to have such feelings. I do everything for her, act as chauffer, and buy her what she needs. We are constantly giving to her, but she refuses to contribute. She will only assist if there is something in it for her! Please help! Frustrated Mom <hr width="50%" noshade="noshade" size="2" align="center" /> Dear Frustrated Mom, With regard to your daughter's selfishness, I suggest a reorientation. It seems that she has become disconnected from the family unit. The family is all important, but today's fast-paced, materialistic society washes the mind with needs and wants, and as the saying goes, "what the eye sees, the heart wants." This holds true for attitudes and ideas of "how life should be" gleaned directly from television, movies, novels and other mass media. Combine these influences with peer pressure, and it's not hard to see how your wonderful daughter could become self-centered. I said "wonderful," and I mean "wonderful." I note that you make no reference to problems before her teens. I infer from this that your relationship was running fairly smoothly until recently. All that goodness you experienced is still inside your daughter, and under the right circumstances will emerge. Your daughter is trying to find "herself" – that is the main task of teenage-hood – and as a result, struggling to fit in. Organizing her social life is a huge part of this process. Your "intrusion" on her time presses a huge button, and this is the essence of the matter. She sees this as "her time" that you have no inherent right to and is the only thing she truly owns. What is needed is reorientation and negotiation. Reorientation: Every member of a family has set duties. Only the very youngest are excused from this because they lack the skills and, in fact, need assistance. A family is successful when they all pull together to improve their lives. There is no reason why a healthy, capable person should not be helping. Pick a calm moment to have a private talk with your daughter. You should have ready a clear list of what you feel is fair for your daughter to do as part of her chores and responsibilities, and discuss the list with her. Reach an understanding and have her sign it (this proves invaluable later if there is a dispute), then stick to this list. She is probably a fair-minded person and showing her the imbalance that now exists will hopefully elicit a sympathetic response. Negotiation: One aspect of parental duty, especially mom's, is that of primary responder to all things needed or wanted. Your daughter has enjoyed this convenience, and has had her needs met, sometimes on a moments notice, be it a lift to the mall or help with an overdue assignment. Therefore, as a maturing person, she needs to learn to pull her weight in times when her family needs her. However, aside for the time she completes her regular duties, she is right that having her schedule respected is very important. Her time should not be interfered with without her consent. Aside from times of true emergency (G‑d forbid), there should be no assumption of her availability and she should be given notice on any extra significant demands on her time. This is a very important aspect of fostering mutual respect, respect that she deserves. The door swings both ways; parents should give advanced notice if they need help at a time that might conflict with her schedule, and you daughter should grant any reasonable requests by remembering your commitment to her wellbeing. Work together, and support each other as much as you can. That is the measure of a family. Your daughter will learn to see it, and understand how she measures up. I remember one saying: "When it's time to move the piano, don't be the one carrying the stool – pull your weight!" Seeing who she is and what is really important in life is a huge ongoing process that takes time. With your help, your daughter will grow to become a responsible, giving person. Wishing you and your family all the best! Bracha Sun, 18 Oct 2009 12:00:00 EST http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=963500 Winning Attitudes http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?aid=963500 Question: I have a nine year old son who's always coming home with an assortment of problems. In school, at home, at the playground, on his soccer team - wherever - he's just a problem-prone kid. He's the one who will spill the milk, spoil the game, and if nothing else, will manage to find something to complain about. Sometimes, I just cannot deal with the constant chaos that surrounds him. Do you have any advice for me? Answer: The fact is, we can't always influence how things turn out. A person, even a parent, can only be held responsible for what is under his or her control. But one thing that is certainly in every parent's power to control is attitude. Much of our world, and our experience in it, is a direct result of the attitude we choose. The belief that "I can" is an attitude. It's a choice we make. Once inserted, the input of this message on our brain harnesses our energies and abilities to achieve the desired and inspired outcome. Whether you achieve it all, or just some of it, you will accomplish more than if your message to yourself was "I can't." Here are some more winning attitudes that can help you deal with your son's complaints. These attitudes can not only transform your life, but will trickle down to you son who will learn from your example. 1. Conflicts or problems are inevitable – they are bound to happen. All of us make mistakes in our actions, judgments and conclusions. When we see problems as a normal aspect of human experience, as occurrences simply to be expected, we avoid the element of surprise that throws us off kilter. This enables us to address these occurrences from a logical standpoint rather than from an emotional one. 2. Problems are okay! Creative people don't see obstacles as unacceptable parts of life, but as natural and normal. Many fantastic ideas were born from people experiencing a challenge. Problems are an integral part of life. If we are prepared for them, they will not disturb us as much or throw us off balance. No challenge is too big to overcome and every problem can be solved, with G‑d's help. King Solomon writes, "The heart knows the bitterness of the soul and no stranger shares its joy" (Proverbs 14:10). The soul understands the bitterness of difficulty, and celebrates the joy and sweetness when challenges are overcome. 3. Separate between who you inherently are and what you do. One of the basic tenets of Judaism is that the soul is inherently pure. When a person is aware that one's goodness is immutable, it prevents despair and helps him calm down more easily. 4. Problem solving is a process. Like anything worthwhile, finding the right solution often takes time. And a short path may turn out to be the longer route whilst the longer route may, in fact, lead you along the shorter path. The need to eliminate a problem immediately creates a lot of undue tension. Realizing that a problem isn't going to disappear quickly is an important step in minimizing frustration. 5. Approach problems technically, not emotionally. An emotional reaction might be, "Look at what you did! You spilled all that milk on the counter!" Remaining technical allows for a cool response such as, "Look at all that milk, let's grab a rag to wipe it down." 6. Along the same lines, before reacting, take a moment to ask yourself: is this a tragedy or a triviality? A simple shift of perspective can go a long way in helping you calm down. 7. All beginnings are difficult. 8. Take pleasure from small changes. No personal triumph is too trivial to be disregarded. Small stones have built many a lofty edifice. As Bachya ibn Pekuda wrote in Duties of the Heart: Think of your smallest victory over the evil inclination as a major achievement so that this small victory may serve you like a stepping-stone toward greater triumphs (Chovot HaLevavot; Shaar Yichud HaMa'aseh). 9. Cultivate gratitude and record your bursts of gratitude in a gratitude journal. It's a simple and effective way to increase your overall emotional wellbeing. That treasure may be found in the resplendent color of a butterfly, in a poignant thought, and in the melodious laughter of a child. It can be found in a smiling countenance, a listening ear, and in another person's delightful company. Awareness and appreciation of every infinitesimal gift or gesture will greatly enhance the tapestry of our lives. 10. Keep your sense of humor as you cope with life's challenges. These positive attitudes lead to positive, constructive and creative thinking. Aside for keeping us motivated and inspired, it helps us expect, and achieve success. You will radiate joy and serenity and hopefully it'll be very contagious! Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:00:00 EST