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Jealous Sister

Jealous Sister

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Dear Rachel,

I'm fourteen-years-old and I am having an issue I hope you can help with. I'm happy most of the time, I like my group of friends, and I'm excited that we're going to be starting high school this fall.

The problem is - I can't help being envious of my younger sister, because she is prettier than me. I love her, but I can't help feeling jealous towards her sometimes, even though I know it's stupid and I feel angry with myself for this. I just don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Jealous Sister

Dear Jealous Sister,

First off, the fact that you're mature enough to understand that it is inappropriate to feel this way, and the fact that you are seeking help to deal with these feelings, are signs that you are a very together young lady - and so, you're already ahead of the game.

Recognize your positive qualities The Torah tells us to "Love your fellow as yourself." The implication here is that you love yourself first, and then you love your fellow as you love yourself. This teaches us a vitally important lesson. We must love ourselves—have proper self-esteem and self-appreciation—in order to properly love another. Before you can look at your sister without jealousy, you need to look at yourself more honestly. Recognize your positive qualities: your strengths; your physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual attributes. Sure, it's nice to be pretty - but there are a lot of things that are way more important: to be caring, mature, sensitive, compassion, intelligent, loyal. By asking your question you have already demonstrated that you possess these vitally important qualities.

You should also know- as the old saying goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You and your sister, like any two human beings, each have your own unique—and uniquely attractive—face. Still, that isn't the main quality that either of you has.

Back to the topic of loving ourselves and our fellows: why should we love ourselves?

Our rabbis have equated the commandment "Love your fellow as yourself" to the Tenth Commandment - "You shall not covet." What exactly is the connection between these two? On the surface, we can say that if we truly love someone we will be happy for them, and we will not be jealous of what they have.

But the connection goes much deeper. Why, in fact, is it wrong to be envious of someone's looks, talents, abilities, possessions, anything?

To understand the answer to that, we first need to understand - truly and deeply know - that G‑d created each and every one of us for a unique purpose in this world. This is the root and the reason for our self-love. If G‑d created us, then we are important. And if you could fulfill my mission in life, then one of us is unnecessary – but nothing that G‑d creates is unnecessary.

Nothing that G‑d creates is unnecessarySince each person has his own, individual, one-of-a-kind mission in life, it stands to reason that each person is sent down here with the unique combination of talents and capabilities that he or she needs to fulfill that mission. If you have artistic ability and I don't, that means that artistic ability is somehow necessary for you in order to do accomplish what you need to on this earth; for me, artistic ability is totally extraneous - sort of like a tail, or an extra ear. There are two sides to the coin- valuing my own uniqueness means both loving me with all my qualities, and loving the fact that those around me possess the qualities they possess.

"You shall not covet" is another way of saying "love yourself, because G‑d has created you in such a way that you are perfect for your job." Once we learn this lesson, the Torah further tells us "Love your neighbor as yourself." Now that you understand your own uniqueness, and that you are vital in G‑d's infinite plan for the world - understand that your fellow is also vital in the grand scheme of things, and is also endowed with the exact measure of physical, intellectual, and emotional attributes that he requires for his job.

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to contact me if you want to discuss this any further.

Rachel

"Dear Rachel" is a bi-weekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Chaya Sara Silberberg.

Chaya Sarah Silberberg serves as the rebbitzen of the Bais Chabad Torah Center in West Bloomfield, Michigan, since 1975. She also counsels, lectures, writes, and responds for Chabad.org's Ask the Rabbi service.

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Discussion (3)
January 19, 2011
Jealous of Sister
My mother was always jealous of her younger sister, my favorite Aunt Jean. It seemed to her that everything she had she never got. My grandparents didn't always have money, and when they did, Mom didn't "open her mouth"!

After my mother died, I called her and told her about my mother's jealousy toward her. She said: "Lisa, maybe I was spoiled, but I wasn't a brat. Your mother never spoke up enough when she wanted something." I saw the same thing for myself, and I did yell at my mother for not speaking up enough.

My mother once asked me if I wanted to live like my aunt, and I told her: "Mom, I'm NOT my Aunt Jean, I'm myself."

You're NOT your sister, you're yourself, but you can talk to her about your jealousy toward her - she could even be jealous of you for reasons you never knew about!
Lisa
Providence, RI
August 11, 2009
Dear Sister
My mother taught me that the stars in the sky don't need to put each other out in order to shine!There's plenty of room for every star to shine.

There is only ONE you.U r the very best you that there could ever be.I know the pressure on girls & women to be 'beautiful' but I can promise you that I've met women who at first glance were 'pretty',but as soon as I interacted with them,I noticed there was no light of beauty coming from within.I also know women who are radiantly beautiful and attractive because THEY BELIEVE THEY ARE!

When I was 14,all I saw in the mirror were my faults.Now I look back on photos & think "Was I crazy? I was so beautiful!" Youth itself is beautiful,but is often taken for granted until it's gone.

Your sister may not even be prettier,she may just believe she is!
In closing,THE MOST beautiful women in the world are often the lonliest; men are scared of them & women dislike them. Balance of inner & outer is the thing. Love is what makes yr face TRULY beautiful.
Ezza Amitai
Melbourne, Australia
August 10, 2009
Thank you. This is something I will try to impart to the children in my future classroom.
Chaya Rivka
CA
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