Me and My Computer

Anyone who knows me, either professionally or personally, knows I am a workaholic. It is not unusual for me to start answering emails at 7:00 am when my kids get up and continue until 3:00 am when I finally go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I don't work the whole way through. I have no problem taking a break to have lunch with a friend, get a manicure, or a variety of other non-work related things. But ultimately, because I have no set hours and no boundaries, I seem to always be working.

It ends up controlling me This is about to change. And I am not sure how I feel about that. We are heading to Vermont for a month. Myself, my husband and our four kids. We are going to be staying in a beautiful renovated farmhouse in a very rural area. And ready for this? There will be no internet access nor cell phone reception in the house! And I am petrified.

It is not that I won't be online daily. I will be. I need to be. Afterall, I am the editor of TheJewishWoman.org. My job is to be online. But it is not just about that. I can rationalize how badly I need to be online to work, and I do, but if I am honest, it is much more than that. Is my work my job, or is it my escape from my life? Do I work so hard because I need to or because I want to? In many ways, it is the one area, the one thing I can control in my life. But in reality, I think it ends up controlling me.

The thought of endless hours in the evening without checking email, looking at my Facebook account or reading the news, is actually not a relaxing thought. It makes me nervous. It means I will need to be present, completely present, in my life and not my virtual life. And that is scary to me.

I will need to be completely present in my life My kids can't wait. They feel that they compete with a computer for my attention. And unfortunately they are right all too often. My computer and I are close. We have a real bond, a real understanding. But I think our relationship is just too intense. We need a break. It is time for a breather. And though I am not sure I am ready for it, I know it is what is necessary. So for the next month, our relationship will be more limited. It will be more restricted. And I am sure I will miss it. Though I doubt it will miss me. But hopefully, if I utilize this break properly, it will allow me to connect to those I love in a more powerful way. It will force me to stop escaping and to start focusing. And it will hopefully result in my becoming a better friend, a better mother, a better wife, a better editor and a better me. Wish me luck. When I can get online, I'll let you know how it is going!