Because I Miss You, Zaidy

I remember being taken out of school. I had to go to the hospital. To see you, for what I knew would be the last time. We all stood around your bed hoping, praying that you'd stay. That you wouldn't go. That somehow you'd be with us forever. I never cried so much in my life. I didn't care what I looked like though. All I wanted was you. I needed you to come back. Everyone did. And no matter how many times security kicked us out of your room, telling us we couldn't have that many people in the ICU-- we went out, but then came right back in. We didn't care about what they'd say. We only cared about you. About being there for you in those last moments of your life.

And when they sang "Kiayel Taroig" (your favorite niggun) to you, I could see you trying so hard. Trying to sing along. But with all those tubes attatched to you and in the state that you were in, you couldn't. And when you had those tears pouring from your eyes, I knew they weren't just the fluids. I knew you were sad. I knew you were just as sad as we were that you were leaving.

I remember everyone telling you goodbye. With tears streaming down their faces they'd try to say bye to everything they once had. It was the saddest thing I ever witnessed. A child saying goodbye to their father. Forever. I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to deny it. But the tears kept coming. I just couldn't help it. My mascara was painting my face black with misery. But there wasn't anything I could do but say Tehillim and cry.

I remember them telling us how they'd never seen such a strong heart in their lives. You just held on. You didn't want to let go. I remember when your heart did go, though. When the zig zags just became a line. When they covered you. When they told us you had passed away. The tears falling from our faces wouldn't stop. They just kept coming. We couldn't handle life without you there. We missed you.

I remember your funeral. It was the first one I'd ever been to. I saw the box that held you inside. I just couldn't understand. How could it be you in there? It just wasn't possible. I asked my sister if you were in there and she confirmed my thoughts. It was you.

I remember them lowering you deep down inside the ground. Then I saw them covering your coffin with dirt. They were burying you. I didn't want it to be true. But I knew it was. You were in heaven. I knew you were watching over us. I knew that you missed us just as much as we missed you. I knew you were in a better place. A place with no suffering; no pain. I knew you were looking at us from up in heaven. You were praying for us just as we prayed for you.

But you should know that this world will never be the same without you. And even though I only knew you for the first 14 years of my life, those were the most amazing years. Because of you. Because you were a part of them. But you left me. You left us. And we need you here. We need to be reunited. And I know that the only way to see you again, is through Moshiach. When he will come everything will get better. I know it. And I believe that he'll come really soon.

And every second I think about you, every time you enter my mind, I have to hold back tears. It's so hard to try thinking of life without you. Why'd you have to go? No one was ready for you to leave. I hardly got to say goodbye. If only I had another chance, I'd visit you more often. I'd be with you more.

I remember the days when I'd come over to your house and you'd always tell Bubby to give me ice cream or cookies. I miss those days. I miss you sneaking cake when Bubby would leave the room. But now you're gone. You left Bubby all alone. She misses you so much. She wanted to see you so badly when you were in the hospital. But we knew she'd freak out. She wouldn't be able to handle it physically and emotionally. But now it's too late. Even if she would be able to handle it, you're not here.

But I know from where you are, you're protecting us. You are living a better life up there. So every time I feel sad about you being gone, I have to remind myself that you're still here with me. In everything I do, you're watching me. And you're with me every step of the way. But still, the tears don't stop pouring out of my eyes. Because I miss you, Zaidy.