A Bad Match

Dear Rachel,

My best friend has been dating a guy for a few months now, and she really seems to like him. The problem is that no one else does. There is nothing necessarily wrong with him, it is just that everyone who knows her feels she can do so much better. They are not compatible and they don't share the same values or goals. Being that in the past year a number of us got married, we are concerned that she is with him just in order to be with someone. But while she is with him, she obviously isn't meeting anyone else. How do we convince her that she deserves so much more?

C.L.
San Diego, CA

Dear C.L.,

It sounds like your friend is in a relationship that is most likely going nowhere. The problem is that she is going to have a hard time hearing advice from friends who are recently married and happy, as it is easy to tell her to leave a relationship, but that also leaves her alone while her friends now have their husbands. If your group of friends feels this way about this guy, speak to one of the single women who might have the best chance at influencing her. If a single friend is giving the advice, it takes away any feelings of resentment or jealousy that perhaps she is having for her newly married friends.

There is no question that it is hard being one of the last of a group to get married, and along with that is often insecurity and fear. She might be wondering if she will ever meet anyone or how come she hasn't already. If that is the case, she might very well be dating this man simply because he is interested in her and she fears if she passes on this one there might not be anyone else. One very important thing to do would be to make a great effort to spend time with her, without your husband around. Rather than simply inviting her to outings or events where there are many couples, make an effort to have a girl's night out as often as you can or to go out to lunch with her or get your nails done or something that involves just her and her friends so that she doesn't need to feel so dependent on this guy.

The more you or your friends are able to spend quality time with her, the more likely she will open up about this guy and what she is feeling and thinking about the relationship. Chances are she will want your approval and will want you to be supportive of her. There is the possibility that perhaps he really is a great guy and she is with him for the right reasons. But if that is the case, only when she is able to really speak with you, will she be able to share that. If your instincts are correct, however, and he is really not the right guy for her, hopefully with time she will start to see that for herself. And if she doesn't, you will want to gently ask what she sees in him or what she feels they have in common and why they are really together.

Sometimes people feel that their relationship is harmless and that even if it doesn't have a future, it is good for "now." Yet that is a very detrimental way of thinking. For starters, there is no such thing as a harmless relationship. If she is involved, her emotions are as well. And whenever it ends, it will be painful as endings are rarely without someone getting hurt, and often very hurt. If she doesn't really see a future with this guy, question why she is wasting her time with him now. If her attitude is that it is good for now, try to emphasize that it is really not the case. For every day she is spending with him, she is losing an opportunity of possibly meeting the man she will see a future with and will want to spend her life with.

Torah teaches us that we are constantly moving. We never stay the same. To be alive means to move. So if we are moving, the question is always if we are moving up or if we are moving down. Are we moving towards our goals in life? Are we bettering ourselves as human beings? Are we growing and developing? Or are we doing the opposite? We do not walk in place. So we either walk in the direction we want to head or we walk away from where we should be going. It sounds like your friend is walking in the wrong direction and needs her friends to turn her around. But she needs her friends. The more support she has, the more likely she will be able to do this.

And while I wouldn't necessarily suggest introducing her to someone while she is dating this guy, as she may find that offensive, I would definitely start brainstorming and thinking of people you do think she would be compatible with. It is very easy to assure someone that you know she will find a great guy, and something very different to have those suggestions for her.

Most important is to be her friend and make her know and feel that she is not alone and people love and care about her. And for those of you who are married and are more limited in your free time, speak to those of you who are not about inviting her out and going to events and places where they are meeting people. And whenever you can, show her the person you know her to be. When she sees that wonderful woman who you think so highly of, she will hopefully make the changes in her life to ensure that she is living the life she deserves!

Much luck!

Rachel