My Eli Left Me

I’m sitting here
In the sand, on the shore
Beside you, my darling. –

When I found you,
One hour ago,
You did not look at me
Anymore.
At me, whom you loved
Like nothing on earth…

Your green eyes
I loved so much, when they looked at me,
Are now wide open, staring into the sky.
Relaxed lies your body
On your loved windsurfing sail.
Do I see on your white lips a smile?
As tender as possible
I take your head in my hands
And whisper: “Please, Motek [Sweety], don’t leave me!
You know that I cannot live without you!”
But I know for sure
That he has left me. –

I cry for help.
Surf friends come running.
Perhaps they can
bring him back?
He, who always helped everybody,
He could not ‘not help’
The last thing he did,
While still on earth,
A young woman he took
Out of the water. Without his help
She had not been able
To get on her board again,
And the sea is so deep.
She said “Thank you” and sailed away.

But Eli came back,
Put his sail in the water
And sat down happily on his board
As he did always.
How he loved this beauty…
Like always
The sea was a mirror
Of the blueness of the sky
Tiny waves on the water
Crying seagulls, and children.
“In this beauty of G-d’s creation
with surfboard and sail,” so he had wished himself always,
“I would love to die!”
And Hashem, Who loved him and knew him,
Had already decided:
“In the middle of this beautiful day
I’ll take his soul. Like he longed for.
In the midst of sunshine,
Blue sky and the sea
His neshama [soul] I will take
With a kiss. Like Moses, my servant.”

I’m standing there, helpless
Trying to realize, if this can be true?!
Can that be? –
And my eyes, who see it
My soul which knows it,
Both tell me: “It’s true!
He has left you forever.”
“Forever???” I cry stricken with panic.

“No, daughter, not forever,” says this voice inside me
“You will be together at that very moment,
when you too will leave this beautiful world
forever.”
“But now!” I cry, “He’s not here any more!”
And this quietening voice goes on
“You are true. For a while you will miss his caring smile…”
“You are so cruel! I cannot stand it!
I can not!!! – Look at my tears!!!”
HE looks at me: “Believe me, you can.”

His friends are carrying his dead body
To the shore. One runs away to take the doctor.
Perhaps he can help him?
In the meanwhile all do what has to be done
In a case like this…
At last defibrillator… massage… injection…
Chamzan for his lungs…
But nothing helps him.

I know that he does not want to come back.
His neshama is near me,
Just as at the time when his loving arms
Held me fast, full of love.

“There is nothing we can do
for him anymore,” says the doctor after thirty-five minutes.
“He is dead. I am sorry.”
There are hands holding mine.
All are full of friendliness and understanding.
But the tears in my eyes keep me from seeing
What happens around me…
Does not interest me… anymore…
And slowly, slowly my hands turn to fists.
“How can you dare, G-d,
to do this to me?!”
And I open my mouth and start screaming
On the top of my voice,
Like a wounded animal in the desert…
Until heaven it should be heard.
Never have my ears heard such a cry.

I cry until my voice has lost its power.
“But… I can’t… live… without him!!!”
“Oh, yes, you can.
You can live without him.
Think of him, he is so happy now
Happier than he has ever been before!”
Again I know, it’s HIS voice
I hear in my heart.
I bow my head.
“Baruch Ata”
That’s all I can say.