The Inner City Dweller

It is very ironic how upside-down things really get sometimes. Our thoughts and emotions are the very aspects of our personality that we like to appreciate and want to share with others, in hope of being valued and understood. Yet, recently, I noticed that it is good actions and positive speech that achieves a better purpose, and it is my feelings and thoughts that are left in the dust.

Later, I recognize this outcome to be better than what I had imagined. It is like a battle between conceit and humility that is happening in my soul. I think in one way, only to recognize the absolute delusion of my estimation. But which part of my psyche still holds me together, allowing me to contemplate? The Tanya discusses the two souls of a Jew and how they engage in battle for the body. Yet becoming aware of this is a whole other experience. Living what the Alter Rebbe described is a fascinating dramatic encounter.

When I try to speak out a fear that is coming from a selfish part of me, it turns into an energy that becomes an obstacle to achieving the preferred result. When I act with emunah, faith, my fear retreats to the background having only a minute amount of influence, something I can more easily control from ruling over me. Cooking for Shabbat inspires me more than dwelling on the bad effects of yesterday's disappointments, and it is only my worse self that desires the opposite.

Sometimes, reflection is so vital, especially for the more introverted part of ourselves, to understand the existential angst of our accidents, mistakes, and tensions. Taking this time is like eating a thousand ice creams. Trying to sweeten pain is a skill that maybe not everyone possesses, but try to find time for it. It doesn't have to happen through analysis, or escaping from the world of today, but know that when you do this soulful task, whatever it may be for you, that you do it with a joy greater than anything bad that could ever darken your mind or emotions, and in this way you win over the city, and are graced with peace.