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Confessions of a Mikvah-Goer

Confessions of a Mikvah-Goer

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"Have you reached menopause yet?" Devorah Leah, the youthful, attractive Chabad Rebbetzin in Santa Fe, asked me.

"Yes. Uh, why are you asking?"

"Because I thought you might like to go to the mikvah. The Jewish ritual bath."

"Devorah Leah, you know I'm non-observant. The only time I dip is on Passover."

"Well, let me put it to you this way. After menopause, since you're no longer menstruating, only one visit to the mikvah is required. It will hold you for the rest of your life."

"So who commits to this mitzvah of misery?" I askedI was about to say no, but it occurred to me that as a travel journalist, I seek out, and frequently attend ceremonies from other cultures. Why not try my own?

"Okay," I said. "Lay it on me. What do I have to do?"

A few days later, Devorah Leah showed up at my house with a big grin and a pretty mikvah kit that looked like it could be sold at Nordstrom's. Inside were some toiletry items needed for preparation.

"That's it?" I asked, relieved that the preparation was so easy.

"Not quite," she answered. "You can't have any physical contact with your husband - no touching, nothing - for seven days."

No touching? No hugging? No little squeezes of the hand?

"Nothing," the mikvah maven insisted.

"So who commits to this mitzvah of misery?" I asked. The answer was that a lot of married women do (you have to be married to go to the mikvah), and a number of them aren't even religious. They just want to perform the mitzvah which stipulates that you go to the mikvah seven days after your period ends (and if your period is very short, you have to wait at least five days before beginning the seven-day countdown to purification).

Truth be told, I wasn't convinced. I couldn't relate to abstinence, I didn't understand the association of menstruation and impurity. I approached the experience like an anthropologist, and considered Devorah Leah an informant from an exotic sect.

She was very patient with my questions. She explained that a mikvah isn't just about a woman, but, rather, it's about her and her husband, and inviting G‑d into their home and marriage. The preparation and the mikvah itself are physical acts, but the reason behind them is spiritual.

"You see," Devorah Leah told me, "every month when we menstruate - which means there is no fertilized egg - it's like a potential for life isn't fulfilled. So a woman submerges herself in water, in the source of life.

When she emerges, it's as though she is reborn, and the divine energy of creation can flow again. It's a renewal, a spiritual cleansing."

She spoke joyously of how a marriage is renewed each monthI listened to her as she spoke joyously of how a marriage is renewed each month, thanks to the mikvah. The husband and wife are apart, and this restraint can be very hard. But it also keeps desire alive. When the couple gets together again, they appreciate each other even more. And the sacrifice, the performing of the mitzvah, takes their physical relationship to a spiritual level.

Devorah Leah was very open about the "M" word, but, in the past, it was shrouded in secrecy. Mothers didn't tell their children when they went off to the baths. It was very private - between a woman, her husband, G‑d and the mikvah lady, who oversaw the bath. Many Jews didn't - and still don't - talk about the cleansing ritual. But today, mikvah's have come out of the closet. They are often built to look like spas, they are listed in the yellow pages and it's an open topic of conversation.

Many women seek out the mikvah because it makes them feel special and connects them to the matriarchs. Sarah did the mikvah; in fact, she had a separate tent for the times when she and Abraham had to be apart. Miriam's well is purported to be a mikvah. In more recent times, when mikvah's were outlawed in Russia, and the KGB closed them down, the women would courageously go somewhere else and open new ones. The mikvah is so important in Judaism that if a congregation has money for either a Torah scroll or a mivkah, they are supposed to build the mikvah first.

"Devorah Leah," I asked, "if it's so great, why can't my husband, Paul, do it too?"

"He can," Devorah Leah answered. And when I asked Paul, he said he'd do it.

He's an amateur anthropologist too.

I read a bit about the mikvah and discovered a host of arcane and complex rules pertaining to the construction of the ritual bath. The bottom layer is pure, natural rain water. It is called "live water" and is a symbol of rebirth and the divine flow of creation. On top of the cold rain water is another pool of hot water, where the actual bathing takes place. The two waters are not supposed to mix so the rainwater can maintain its pristine quality. They "touch" in an opening between the two waters, but they don't blend. The bathing water is changed frequently, so it is hygienic. The rain water, which has never been contaminated, remains unaltered and intact.

I suppose you could say I was a mikvah monsterI began the seven-day ritual half-heartedly. It was an intellectual exercise that I approached with more curiosity than commitment. I did most of the preparation, but I cheated when it came to touching Paul. I suppose you could say I was a mikvah monster - determined to experience the bathing without totally embracing the experience. Devorah Leah tsk-tsked, but permitted me to go ahead with the mikvah plans. I suppose I was a bathing barbarian to her.

The night of the mikvah came. Paul and I crawled into the back seat of the rabbinic car, and the rabbi, Berel, briefed Paul about what to expect and how men approached the mikvah. It sounded like a quick stop at a drive-by burger place. You dunk before prayers, before Shabbat, before holidays. In and out.

When we arrived at the Albuquerque mikvah, which was spotlessly clean and cheery, we women went into a separate room for preparation. Devorah Leah showed me an array of products for me to clean myself - nail brushes, combs, shampoos, q-tips, make-up removers, ribboned floss. She scrunched up her face when she saw a colorful temporary tattoo on my arm, and began to scrape it off with polish remover, an emery board, and her fingernail. She told me not to floss between teeth that had any jagged edges because a bit might remain wedged in there. I had to cut my nails, bore into every orifice, and be. well. impeccable. Then she told me I could take the cleaning products into the bath tub with me, and I should stay there for close to half an hour.

I felt shocked. Overwhelmed. I consider myself a clean person, but there were so many areas I never thought about. What if I left a piece of floss in my teeth? What if there were a bit of crud under a toenail or in the corner of my eye? I stepped gingerly into the tub she had filled for me, juggling all the cleaning aids. Kerplunk. The shampoo plopped down in the water. I bent to pick it up and the nail scissors dropped. Finally, I organized all the products and lowered myself into the water. I took a deep breath and began the act of cleaning myself. At first I resisted, and then I got into it. I was sponging and soaping and paying attention to every inch of skin. I had never cleaned myself so thoroughly in my life.

About twenty-five minutes into the process, I was suddenly flooded with childhood memories of cleaning out the chametz -- the leavening -- before Passover. We went through the house with a feather, gathering up any crumbs that remained in the back of a shelf, a pocket, anywhere. Now I was cleaning out the chametz from my body. I was purifying my physical and spiritual self the way we had purified the house before Pesach. I felt like crying. My anthropological experiment had become very personal. I rubbed and scrubbed as though my soul depended on it.

I rubbed and scrubbed as though my soul depended on itWhen Devorah Leah came back into the room, she inspected me tenderly, looking for stray hairs on my back or anything else I had missed. She pronounced me clean. Then she led me into the mikvah room. It was like a jacuzzi, and I walked easily down the steps into the water.

"Now dunk three times. sort of like a fish or a whale," Devorah Leah instructed me.

Easier said than done. I couldn't get under the water.. It took me many tries to submerge. Devorah Leah watched patiently, smiled approvingly, and then she turned her back on me.

"You have done the mitzvah," she said, "and now this is private time for you.just for you. Take as long as you wish."

First I didn't know what to do, and then it just sort of happened. I submerged myself in the water, thanking the universe for my husband Paul, my health, my rich life experience. I prayed for my family and friends to be well. And I thought I heard a little sigh from the heavens as my prayers were heard.

After the mikvah, I was considered kosher, and I went to meet Paul in the waiting room. I felt vibrant, alive, buoyant, calm.

"You are glowing," Paul whispered to me. I beamed.

"And how was it for you?" I asked.

Paul said it was brief, but meaningful. It reminded him of his childhood, and it revived memories that were long buried. Memories of a family outing to Atlantic City, when they were visiting relatives back East. They checked into a hotel, and Paul was fascinated by the orthodox people who were praying in the lobby, eating kosher food and speaking Yiddish. It was like visiting a foreign country. His mother was horrified, and made them check out. That was the last time he had ever mingled with orthodox Jews.

During the ride back home, Devorah Leah told me that the mikvah is the most powerful time between a woman and G‑d -- even more so than lighting the candles, because in the mikvah, her whole body is involved. Some women go to the mikvah when they are in crisis, or someone is sick, or before a wedding or bar mitzvah. The rest of the family is involved in the mikvah experience because the husband has to cooperate and the children feel the infusion of spirituality their mother brings back from the baths. And when a baby is born after a mikvah, she is considered to have been conceived in holiness and she comes into life with that advantage.

I suppose I am a little sorry that I didn't observe the mitzvah thoroughly during the preparation. Perhaps it would have been even deeper and more meaningful. But it was too late for me to re-do it; I had my once-in-a lifetime purification experience. And for a non-religious person who has looked long and hard for spiritual connection in Judaism, it was certainly a great beginning.

Judie Fein and her husband have contributed to more than 75 magazines and newspapers, including the L.A. Times, National Geographic Traveler, Boston Globe, Robb Report, Art & Antiques, Dallas Morning News, Hemispheres, Continental, and have won multiple awards for their work. Judie is also an award-winning playwright, and has appeared on national TV shows, including The Today Show. Judith and her husband, also a writer, travel and teach around the world.
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Sarah Masha WB MI USA via baischabad.com March 7, 2017

Mary Storey Judaism is far older than Christianity, and of course many details in the second can be easily traced back to their original root inspirations.

If you want to see an article on details check Rabbi Moss's "Why is Jewish Law So Petty?" it is also on chabad.org Reply

mary storey lewisville March 2, 2017

Mitzvah I suppose God is in the details of the prep for the Mitzvah bath. I'm not Jewish, I'm Christian, but i can see a connection of the Mitzvah, and our Baptism. I am Roman Catholic, but i don't always go to church. I do see that ritual can be necessary to keep a sect or group together through common actions we all must perform in our religion of choice. Reply

Sarah Masha W Bloomfield, Mi/USA via baischabad.com June 1, 2011

To Tila in Brazil and Marsha Tila
You are correct, and so are they....
It is 5 days for the discharge, no checking, just counting.
A hefsek
Then an additional 7 days of counting clean days, where checks are made morning and evening, and each check must be stain free.

On a practical level, many people don't feel any particular emotion duing the initial phase. If we are talking about waiting and anticipation, it is the second set of days, they just feel different, even for the men.

Marsha,
I'd be happy to go with you, if we are ever in the same town. (I travel a lot) I became a Mikvah Lady in part with the attitude that if/since I couldn't have my own this would be my way of participating in bringing souls to this world. (Ultimately I had one child, an adult now) Reply

tila dubrawsky Curitiba, Parana Brazil May 30, 2011

Mikvah after Menopause In this beautiful article there is mention of a seven day abstinence. Is it not twelve days for a woman going once? Reply

Anonymous Santa Fe September 20, 2010

Santa Fe Mikvah Did you think of using the historic Santa Fe mikvah? This is the mikvah that has been in Santa Fe for about 25 years, ever since a small group of observant, dedicated women (all have since moved away) insisted they needed a mikvah in town. Before that, they had been using the Pecos River or Cochiti Lake. The mikvah is still maintained and in use. It is pretty rustic, with no amenities; but a very holy place. Reply

Anonymous Commerce City, Co/Usa October 25, 2008

Thank you Finally some one has been frank with me about how the charges are. Reply

Sarah Masha W Bloomfield, MI/USA via baischabad.com October 23, 2008

No one has answered how much it costs to go to the mikvah. In the US the charges are usually about 18-25 dollars per visit. Usually it is higher in places that don't have any economy of scale, less in places with larger Jewish populations. In no place will cost be a problem. If you can't afford it, an accomodation will be made. Frequently, the rabbi knows, and he clears it with the attendant, usually by telling her that so and so already paid. Since some people do pay in advance (for a full year at once, with a discount) the attendant does not know the difference. At some mikvahs the attendant expects a tip, a couple of extra dollars.

How do I know all this? For a long time our personal funds were quite tight. I also have been a mikvah attendant most of my 29 years of married life, and I plan on continuing. I have always, and will continue to, refuse all tips. Reply

Sarah Brooklyn, NY September 4, 2008

You are a great writer. This story was both deeply personal and very witty! Reply

Anonymous ny, ny July 28, 2008

Mikvah Although, I am not Jewish. I really enjoyed reading this article. I have always wandered what the Mikvah was and this article was very interesting and thought provoking. There should be placing like these for all women

Reply

Angela April 17, 2008

Great article. I recently went to the mikvah for the first time and had a similar experience. I'm not religious, but I too feel as if the mikvah helped me become more spiritually fulfilled, both personally and in regards to my family. Thanks to all the mikvah ladies out there who are patient, understanding, and caring enough to walk us through the process. Reply

Anonymous March 10, 2008

Deena Thank you for wanting to assist me. I know many women here I could go with. As a matter of fact I live less then a block from our mikvah! There is no mikvah lady where I now live, however, I have gone with some women to be their "mikvah lady". Reply

miriam fishman Los Angeles, Ca March 9, 2008

mikvah article A touching article, but a casual reader could misunderstand a few points. Use of the mikvah by a man -- custom only -- is not all all to be equated with use by a married woman -- commandment from the Torah. A man would never be using the mikvah at the same time as a married woman (wife or not). "After the mikvah, I was considered kosher." Oi, you were never "trief" in the first place -- you were nidah; now taharah. (The immersion was "kosher", not the woman.) The other uses by women who were "in crisis, sickness "- no, no, no; this is not what mikvah use by women is about at all. (near end of article) Thank you for your honest reflections. Reply

Deena via chabadofcleveland.com March 9, 2008

Marsha Marsha, just as the author of the article went to the mikvah post-menopause, maybe that is something you would consider as well. Even though you have been to the mikvah in the past, if you never went after your last period, this would still be a mitzvah you could do. Having been a mikvah lady myself, I would suggest calling someone you are comfortable with to make it a wonderful experience if you fear having a "bad" mikvah lady. I agree that can be devastating, and you should be able to experience the beauty of the mitzvah. If you'd like I could try to help you find someone sensitive to take you in your town. Reply

Marsha March 8, 2008

Mikvah Thank you for all your comments. On top of it all I was not able to have children. Every time I went in she would comment on that also.. It's been many years now. I understood she moved out of the country and may not even be with us any longer. But that was the past. It did hurt but I no longer need the mikvah at my age. I only hope other women will have more conviction & strength than I did. Reply

Deborah Nelson Commerce City, Colorado/US March 8, 2008

Too poor Meaning not enough money. Or maybe I sould ask what do the charges range? Reply

Elisheva via chabadofwashingtonheights.org March 6, 2008

to Marsha Do not let other people dictate what you do in life; whether the influence is direct, or indirect. Explain to your mikveh lady that your Rav approved and move on. You are only hurting yourself by not going. It makes no difference to her. This is your mitzvah. Reply

Jo March 6, 2008

Marsha Hi, Don't be cheated out a wonderful experience because of someone elses mood or shortsightness. Would you stop paying for your groceries just because the checker gave you a look that didn't agree with you? I've had good and not good experiances with mikvah ladies. You can't let them decide such an important issue for you. Find another mikvah. If not, speak to her and let her know what her attitude is causing and costing. She is just the attendant there and not the Rabbinical figure. A smiling and easy going mikvah attendant who is pleasant to her "attendees", makes the experiance a pleasent and enjoyable one to look forward to. No one should have to feel ashamed or uncomfortable in such a special place or at such a monumental time. Here's to your next visit at the ritual bath Marsha! Reply

Chanah Abramowitz March 5, 2008

Poor Jews How poor? So poor they have no bed? So poor they have no bathtub? So poor they are working two jobs and have no time at night to go to the mikveh?

Surely there is one night available during the week to go to the mikveh. And at the mikveh she will find all the necessary cleaning tools and the bathtub too.

Just call your local orthodox synagogue or Chabad house. They will go with you and they will help. You don't even have to be friends first. They will assign someone to go with you. That's what I did. Reply

Marsha March 4, 2008

You were very lucky you had someone understanding & patient. "My" mikvah lady was not understanding & "pushed "me away from using the mikvah due to a physical anomily I have. Even after an orthodox Rabbi told me not to worry about it, she did not abide by the Rabbi's ruling. She kept giving me a look whenever I came, so I stopped going. Reply

Dorothee Stuttgart, Germany March 4, 2008

mikvah This was very interesting. Thank you for being so open.

Reply

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