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Men Not Interested in Me

Men Not Interested in Me


Dear Rachel,

I am really starting to get concerned with the fact that I haven't found a nice Jewish man to spend the rest of my life with. I am going to be 34 years old soon and I am finding that where I live is the hardest place to meet a man who wants a serious relationship. I think that I am a good catch... I'm healthy, smart, in shape, well educated and traveled. What can I do about my single situation?

Still Single

Dear Still Single,

Unfortunately, I am hearing many women in your situation—really good "catches," smart, healthy and educated women who cannot find their life partner.

I'm not very familiar with the situation in your area, or how many Jewish men live there. But what I would suggest in general is a very proactive approach to finding your bashert (life partner).

Network with as many people as you can, just like you would to find a job, but even more so, as this is so much more important—this is your future! Let the word out that you are looking to find a partner, and explain what you are looking for. You never know who might know someone who knows someone. Speak to friends, neighbors, colleagues.

Do you attend a synagogue? That might be a good place to network as well—people have nephews, cousins, grandsons, who all have friends... Are there Jewish single groups where you live catering to help Jewish singles find their partners? I know different groups organize single weekends or Shabbatons. It might be a good idea to join some of these, even if you have to travel far away to attend.

As well, there are people who specialize in trying to make matches. Perhaps you can contact one, either in your city or further afield. I'm sure your rabbi can hook you up with one such "matchmaker."

There are also online services that you can try out that connect Jewish singles all over the world via international data bases.

These are all some ideas of what you can do to try to be more proactive in looking for your partner.

And finally, it would be a good idea to sit down with a close friend and discuss what you are looking for in a life partner. Sometimes, our expectations are not realistic and we need to rethink what it is that is really important to us and what we are able to live without.

For more advice, see Whom Should I Marry?

Wishing you much success in finding your life mate!


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Anonymous Florida May 12, 2017

I have been single a large portion of my life . Had a few engagements when I was a teenager and in my 20's but something wasn't bashert (meant to be). Now much older and single I had a while back joined Jewish single groups and went to dances and events . People tell me I'm stunning tall beautiful and blahblah but I have never had a man come over to me at these events and ask me to dance or engage in conversation . Ive walked iver to men and started conversation but they either ignore me or walk away. HUH! I look around and see men approaching other women and wonder what's wrong with me? I go into the ladies lounge and look at myself in the mirror. I'm torn apart feeling ugly unwanted unwanted an a toal loser. What could I have done, dressed differently . Then a woman comes in and says to me "I love your hair. You are such a beautiful woman." I confide I her my feelings and she tells me to forget about these men, meanwhile she walks out 3 men waiting. Reply

Anonymous Los Angeles via January 28, 2015


I am not harmed. I meant no harm. I consider the conversation between the two of us as closed. Reply

Anonymous CD ID January 27, 2015

Anonymous....No harm no foul. I used to ask my kids (who used to tattle all the time) Is the blood? They would say no (most of the time) so I would tell them no blood no foul. LOL In another words work it out on your own unless someone is injured. I am not injured so...No harm no foul. :) Reply

Anonymous Los Angeles via January 27, 2015

I was being judgmental. Your statement came across to me as sad and impatient. I apologize if that is not how you feel. Reply

Anonymous January 25, 2015

Anonymous in LA...I am unclear on this statement you made. " It is not about being impatient." Could you please expand? Also, my post was not about being sad. It was just saying that I have had down time which has not worked, I have totally changed everything in my life which I think G-D wanted me to do. But it is also letting those out there know that women in our age group have a very difficult time getting a date let alone a husband. I truly believe it is because, like I said...Our Adams don't want us. Our Adams tend to be self centered and want life to be all about them Our Adams want the young fertile women even if what is in their hearts are evil. I see it all the time. I have even had a couple Eve's tell me..."I am just with him because of $$$$ and as soon as I have a kid I am out of here. That is very sad for our Adams. Not for us but our Adams and their children. Reply

Anonymous Fox May 12, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

I feel that G-d has no Adam or bashert for us. He's got something else planned for us but what is it, how do we find it and I keep saying it'll happen when I'm in the old age home at 90 years old. It's heart wrenching looking st everyone thst has someone but, as I read someone said, it's good to go home with silence and added to that I'm really proud that I've made my life alone, I can support myself, I really want for nothing but once in a while it would be nice to have companionship or dinner with someone. One day G-d will show us our path but His time....hopefully. :-) Reply

Anonymous Los Angeles, CA via January 24, 2015

Finding the One CDA, ID
I felt sad reading your posting and understand very well where you are coming from. I was like you at some point in my life. I remained single after my divorce and is now approaching retirement age alone. But I remain pro-active. and focused on a lot of work I have to do in my world.. It is not about being not attractive. It is not about being impatient. Can it be about readiness to see the world? Readiness to share your space. Getting to know oneself. Being friends with oneself. Having friends. Choosing your friend. Living with their imperfections, emotional responses less than what I expected. Good luck to all of us. Reply

Anonymous Riverside January 19, 2015

Hello, "Idaho" :) Your post kind of was an answer to my question. But from this quote in your post, your heart knows its own pain and anguish like no other: "1 thing I know is G-D made Eve to help Adam. But our Adams don't want us."
Maybe G-d needs you to focus on work, like you have been. Maybe you have a greater task than you realize and a man right now would hinder you. G-d has a plan, it's just that sometimes, we want it our way. :) Reply

Anonymous CDA, ID January 13, 2015

I posted the "fortunately" from Olympia WA. in 2013. I am still single and have not even had a date or met anyone. Although, I had given up....I moved to Idaho last May due to many, many, many circumstances. I felt G-D was telling me to get out of Olympia NOW! So, now I am still single, unemployed, and living with my parents at 48. I have not idea why G-D puts some of us through so much. All I or anyone else can do is keep asking G-D for guidance and expect that he will. Too tell the truth I really Dislike being single. My entire life was centered around my kids and ex-husband. I want to be able to do that once again. Giving up just does not seem to help either. I had been so busy since May that until now, I have not even had time for dating or another person other then my parents. I am thinking about getting out there again but where does one look when the area you live is so in-sematic. 1 thing I know is G-D made Eve to help Adam. But our Adams don't want us. Reply

Anonymous Riverside January 12, 2015

After reading the comments, I have a question: Why does G-d make people single? Family and marriage are so important, but it seems like so many young, religious women are single these days. G-d has a plan for everyone, but when one stresses about something like this, how should they approach G-d? Reply

Anonymous Olympia, WA September 10, 2013

Fortunately Ffortunately you are still faily young. My husband left me 8 years ago Just as I was turning 40. I am 47 almost 48 now and finding a good man just to date is extremely hard. I have done all those things Racheal suggests. But men are not interested in me either. I am not being picky, at least I don't think I am. First and foremost I want a man with my religious beliefs. A Godly man. Then I would like the following: That he have a job, is nice, and considerate to me. He does not need to be more then average in looks or tall. least my height would be nice. I found a man who had the same beliefs as me about a year ago. But, he gave the the "friend speach". I have just given up once again looking or even hoping. Reply

Tess Los Angeles via April 19, 2011

Be Still I've heard stories of women who have gone to a lot of parties, blind dates, etc. but still did not find the one. Then, she decided to stop trying. You know what? Love found her! Reply

Lisa Providence, RI May 25, 2008

Men NOT Interested? I don't think "lack of interest" is the issue here. Sometimes, marriage and parenthood just don't happen - or they happen later in life.

Do you live in a Jewish Community with Jewish Singles Programs? If you belong to a synagogue, maybe your rabbi can give you helpful advice.

Whatever you do, DON'T RUSH! Reply

Laura Mushkat schenectady, new york November 19, 2007

re-finding a husband When I graduated high school in 1961 many females were ready or got engaged. You got married early then or went to college for your MRS. I got married late for then-24! I went to Young Adults meeting and just looked for friends or casual dates. I had stopped looking. Then I found him! Stop looking so hard and do things for fun and you may find him or at least make great new friends. One daughter met her man on Jdate type place for her city and area-another thru a friend. Some people do not marry and live happy lives-others marry late. Good luck. Reply

Shoshana Jerusalem, Israel November 19, 2007

advice Unfortunately, it does happen that one tries all these resources and still comes up empty... as I can personally attest..... Reply

Tone Lechtzier Trail, Or US November 18, 2007

Singles Rachel has provided several paths. I suggest asking G-d & utilizing these paths. " All comes from G-d " [ Ezekiel ]As a Jew - a loving heart & a lofty soul are any one's greatest attributes - the rest is icing on the cake. Please G-d - and you will be rewarded. Reply

Anonymous November 18, 2007

finding a husband Really good advice, Rachel. Reply