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What Happens to My Miscarried Child's Soul?
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Question:
I recently had a miscarriage. I was told that my baby died on week eight. I am still emotionally broken and suffering a lot. This was my first child. Can you please help me understand what happens to my unborn child's soul? Why do you think G‑d allowed this to happen to me? How can I overcome this terrible episode and carry on with my life?
Answer:
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I know firsthand how painful and scary it can be. Especially considering that this was your first pregnancy, there is no question that there is nothing harder then when that happens. I know. My first pregnancy also ended in miscarriage at about 11 weeks and I suffered another miscarriage as well. Fortunately, I am very blessed to have four healthy and beautiful children, but each pregnancy was a story all of its own.
From a spiritual point of view, I learned the most beautiful teaching from my rabbi, Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh. He told me that every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.
We cannot understand G‑d's ways, but when we believe that everything happens for a reason and that nothing is random, hopefully that will help the grieving process.
Clearly, we want healthy children and easy pregnancies. But for whatever reason, certain souls do not need to come into this world, and both you and I, for whatever reason, carried such souls.
We have a number of articles on the site that I think you will find helpful and supportive during this time. Please read through the section on Fertility Problems and Loss. In that section there is a piece I wrote about my experience called: "The Empty Sac."
Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. I found that knowing I was not alone, and learning that unfortunately early miscarriage is quite common, and seeing so many women who had miscarried go on to have healthy pregnancies and birth, gave me tremendous strength. I hope it does for you as well.
You may also want to take on a spiritual commitment in memory of this baby, so that you will always have something positive and everlasting. A beautiful mitzvah is the lighting of Shabbat candles. I am not sure if you already do this or if you would like more information about it. But bringing more light into this world is very powerful, especially when we feel surrounded by our own darkness.
If you are already lighting Shabbat candles, take upon yourself something else like baking challah or another mitzvah.
Anyway, I have given you quite a reading list. I do hope you find it helpful. May you be blessed with strength during this difficult time and may you soon have a beautiful baby to enjoy!
Take care,
Sara Esther Crispe,
Editor, TheJewishWoman.org
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Latest Comments:
How excited I was,pregnant again,after the previous miscarriage,I felt in my heart all was fine this time round.My children were excited,esp Josh,who was excited having a baby in the house.Went to Gynysaid I was at 7 weeks,but no heartbeat,just started sobbing,why again, started speaking to Hashem, "how can you do this again"to feel this pain in my heart again,what do I tell my huby, children.I believed all ok,even though I knew G-d had his reason, his was no consolation.Gyny said small chance of heartbeat in a week. So there was hope.So for a few days I hoped.Started miscarrying at my job of 2 weeks,It was awful, phoned huby, I could not believe this, hope was gone,ended shift 3 hrs later,I was in denial,went to hosp. did D&C,that was that, no more hope, felt so alone,wanted to get back to wrk, 24hrs later back at work, I was fine for 1st hr, then grief took over,back hurt,not coping,the manager sent me home, he instisted I take time off - now I had to be at home and THINK- what now?
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I can relate so much to this post, and it helps to read that others understand what I am going through. I had my first pg mc this year at 9w6d but had found out our angel was not developing after 7/8w. I never got to find out if it was a girl or boy, never got to hear their heartbeat. I always had this feeling she was a girl, and it helps for me to think of her that way - even named her maria faith. I feel so damn horrible because I am very young, and when I found out I was pg I did not want to be a young mother, didn't take care of myself and didn't go to my docs immediately. I would give anything to take all that back. Even though I did not get to hear/feel my baby, I loved her and will love her until I die. I am so glad I could find this, it helps to know that even though she was not "born" that she is still a baby and is considered one; many would disagree because I did not hear her heartbeat, but I will always see her as my baby.
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I believe a soul enters the body right as the body enters this world at birth. I know this may be hard for you, but I think your child's soul has not found its body yet...
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Dearest Kelly, our Rachel will know us when we meet again. It is a high and holy calling we have to love, love and to love again...I used to wake at night wondering about someone who was not home and in bed, someone was missing....even though our other three children were tucked in. Kelly, love never fails...
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Many years ago I lost my firstborn at term. He was a beautiful boy, perfect, but stillborn.
Nobody knew him but me. I had him growing inside of me and although others could put their hand on my belly and feel his kicks, I already felt that I was beginning to know his little personality and his ways. I knew which parts he liked rubbed and knew what types of music he would wake to, how he would be startled at a loud noise if he was awake and one happened.
You are such a kind young man to realise that there is no way you can truly 'feel' what a mother goes through. However, I know that you suffer as well. You suffer since you have lost the future you and your wife had planned with your expected baby and you suffer since you have seen your wife's suffering.
Thank you for your kind words. I am sure that you and your wife will be blessed in the future and may you have a gentle baby to help ease both of your pain.
My heart goes out to both you and your wife
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With sobbing heart I look back at Pauline my young wife, and how I did not understand the stresses she went through when Rachel was miscarried. As a young man, please girls forgive us, for our inability to love and comfort you at the time of this tragic event. When I came to G-d this wounded heart was healed and I am now able to carry a little of your suffering. Pauline was sent home by her Doctor with Rachel still and silent...it makes me cry. Loved ones you do not walk alone. Michael in NZ.
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Dear Hurting Woman, There is no replacement for loss, but I found a healing in time. When I had a first pregnancy miscarriage, I felt dead inside and a sorrow that equaled nothing I ever felt. The death is seldom acknowledged like a live born's and as each soul is unique no other can fill that hole in one's heart but God. I named my child and commened "her" to God.
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Dear one, Our unborn childen's souls are back with the Father in Heaven. We lost a girl named Rachel to miscarrige. I was in my garage and sense her presence, some how I knew it was her. She wanted my love I said 'I love you but you must go back to your Father in heaven. We will see her again....
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If life begins at conception then the child you carried was truly a living soul, a living being.
Even King David declared that while still in his mother's womb, Ha'Shem knew all of his parts!
I believe in the resurrection. It is my hope and the promise from our creator. No more of this wicked mess that we have been left with. That perfect paradise, an Eden greater than the original, will be the home of you and your children, the ones who have passed before you, your current, and your future ones. {read the second blessing of Amidah and Maimonides' 13th principle of faith}
According to Ecc 12:7, I feel that like all of creation, we die and go back to the ground, yet the spirit,or life-force of the dead go back to our G-d. {see also Ps. 146:3-7}
Ha'shem will not forget you. Surely he feels your pain. We live in a difficult world and as any 'parent' he suffers with us. {Zec. 2:8}
II do not pretend to be an expert. I only read a lot and have faith. If you find fault with my reasoning, please correct me. I am always willing to learn the truth.
I do know one thing, though. Without Moshaic, we will never have peace of any kind on this earth. May he come soon.
My you find peace, hope and faith deep in your burdened heart.
With love,
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i really wanted to know if there was any prayers said to a miscarriaged baby. i am from zambia in africa and coverted to judaism, 10 years ago this is my first pregnancy and since i never had a chance to see my baby which i lost at 12 weeks i wanted a prayer that i would say for my baby which i named gianina which means G-d is gracious. is there a prayer that i can say,i lost my baby not because i had any complication,went in for a normal scan saw my baby for the first and last time because she didnt have a heart beat she died in my womb then had a D&C.i had to accept that just having a chance to concieve was G-ds blessing but does that also mean its not since HE says that he will bless the fruit of my womb, let me have the clear meaning of all this.
shalom
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