Question:
I recently had a miscarriage. I was told that my baby died on week eight. I am still emotionally broken and suffering a lot. This was my first child. Can you please help me understand what happens to my unborn child's soul? Why do you think G‑d allowed this to happen to me? How can I overcome this terrible episode and carry on with my life?
Answer:
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I know firsthand how painful and scary it can be. Especially considering that this was your first pregnancy, there is no question that there is nothing harder then when that happens. I know. My first pregnancy also ended in miscarriage at about 11 weeks and I suffered another miscarriage as well. Fortunately, I am very blessed to have four healthy and beautiful children, but each pregnancy was a story all of its own.
From a spiritual point of view, I learned the most beautiful teaching from my rabbi, Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh. He told me that every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.
We cannot understand G‑d's ways, but when we believe that everything happens for a reason and that nothing is random, hopefully that will help the grieving process.
Clearly, we want healthy children and easy pregnancies. But for whatever reason, certain souls do not need to come into this world, and both you and I, for whatever reason, carried such souls.
We have a number of articles on the site that I think you will find helpful and supportive during this time. Please read through the section on Fertility Problems and Loss. In that section there is a piece I wrote about my experience called: "The Empty Sac."
Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. I found that knowing I was not alone, and learning that unfortunately early miscarriage is quite common, and seeing so many women who had miscarried go on to have healthy pregnancies and birth, gave me tremendous strength. I hope it does for you as well.
You may also want to take on a spiritual commitment in memory of this baby, so that you will always have something positive and everlasting. A beautiful mitzvah is the lighting of Shabbat candles. I am not sure if you already do this or if you would like more information about it. But bringing more light into this world is very powerful, especially when we feel surrounded by our own darkness.
If you are already lighting Shabbat candles, take upon yourself something else like baking challah or another mitzvah.
Anyway, I have given you quite a reading list. I do hope you find it helpful. May you be blessed with strength during this difficult time and may you soon have a beautiful baby to enjoy!
Take care,
Sara Esther Crispe,
Editor, TheJewishWoman.org
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