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Do I Have a Soulmate?

Do I Have a Soulmate?

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Dear Rachel,

Is there any guarantee that each person will meet his or her soulmate and will find someone who truly loves them? Time and again I have had my heart broken and my hopes dashed. I'm considered attractive, I'm kind, generous, sensitive, smart, intelligent, warm, and fun to be with. So is there really someone out there for everyone?

B.D.
Seattle, WA

Dear B.D.,

It is said that before each of us was created, we were one big soul. Forty days before our conception, G‑d took our "big soul" in His hands and he split it into two pieces. The work of finding our soul mate is finding our missing half.

So how do we find our other half? We have to first begin by perfecting our half. In other words, we have to really know ourselves and be the best "half" we can possibly be. Your soul mate is out there, that's not the question. The question is: are you where you need to be to find him? Are you recognizable to him? Don't forget, he's looking for you too.

As for the "guarantee," you want one of the most powerful things about being in a relationship is that there are no guarantees. Faith and trust are such huge components in a marriage for this very reason. That's why our Sages compare the love between a man and wife to a fire. It is not static or calm, nor is it certain. It's not supposed to be. That is the beauty of a committed relationship…allowing someone into the most vulnerable and hidden places of our hearts trusting our emotions will be well received.

It is said that there are three partners in a marriage: the husband, the wife and G‑d. Until we meet our soulmate, it's just two partners… us and G‑d. This applies to that relationship as well. Because G‑d does not typically grant us a bird's eye view of His plans, we need to constantly bolster our relationship with faith and trust. We need to trust in our depths that He is guiding our steps towards our ultimate purpose, towards the "completion" of our soul.

Another strong component in marriage is communication. Communication is the essential ingredient to every healthy relationship. Since you are preparing to meet your life partner, it's important to practice communicating with your other partner, G‑d. Talk it out with Him. Some people call it prayer, but it could just as well be called communication.

Your "someone" is out there, looking for you. Be the best half-soul you can possibly be and G‑d willing, your steps will be guided towards each other sooner than you know it.

Blessings,
Rachel

“Dear Rachel” is a biweekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sarah Zadok.

Sarah Zadok is a childbirth educator, doula and freelance writer. She lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel, with her husband and four children.

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Discussion (58)
September 1, 2014
True soul mates
Eva, you are a very wise woman! Many of us have had our heads filled with the romantic notions of the akumim. There is nothing wrong with romance; there is nothing wrong with looking for a spouse. But there is something wrong with putting so much mental, physical, and spiritual energy into that pursuit that it starts to resemble avodah zarah! We must keep in mind the true focus of our avodah. Of course, we deserve to be happy. But wasting time and effort pursuing the elusive and making each other think that's all we should "hope" for is not happiness. It's an obsession. We need to "hope" (daven) for true happiness--which is as likely to come from a friend/confidant, a family member, or the opportunity to do good deeds.
Eliana
Brooklyn, NY
September 1, 2014
Enjoy and live in the present...
Yes, Eliana,that's precisely what I mean! Life is fulfilling and fabulous in THIS moment, and should not be lived with breath held for some magical moment of meeting Mr. Right.
Take advantage of all of the love and beauty surrounding you today.
eva
Solana Beach
August 31, 2014
Hope varies
Why waste time and energy hoping for something that won't happen? I changed by "hope" to finding good friends, and I've found them. What's so bad about that?
Eliana
Brooklyn
August 31, 2014
A soulmate need not be a lover or a husband/wife. It may be a friend who shares your sensibilities and passions. Good friendships are invaluable, and perhaps they make you feel complete. Learn to value and love yourself. I believe there are several soulmates for each of us, and they appear in many forms, though I myself enjoy being a single woman, not in any romantic relationships I feel I have a few soulmates in my family and friends.
eva
Solana Beach
August 30, 2014
soulmate
is finding your soulmate supposed to make you happy?
Anonymous
July 5, 2014
Go places where the kind of person you want to meet will be found
Go to, and be seen in places where the kind of people you want to meet will be. Is that a trendy city bar? Probably not, not if you are surfing this website. Don't waste your valuable time in low-probability experiments. Take a class at a local college in something you want to learn anyway. Eat in a kosher restaurant. Visit places where the values you want to raise you kids with will be found in people you meet there.
T
Portland
January 29, 2014
Hope
Dear Eliana from Brooklyn and anonymous from Atlanta,
I really am in a similar boat but I want to encourage anyway. I don't think you should give up hope because as long as there is life there is hope. Hope dies last anyways as it so should. So one should hang onto it. There is nothing to be lost from a positive attitude and only everything to be gained.
Anonymous from ReHarsh Reality. Somewhere.
Anonymous
January 26, 2014
I was hopeful
until I read the reply from Eliana in Brooklyn, NY. I am almost 41 and have never been married or in love. For a brief moment there, I was so hopeful. :-/
Anonymous
Atlanta
April 30, 2013
Do I Have a Soul Mate?
Yeah, we all have soul mates. But I hate to burst your bubble: Some people never find them. I'm 62, never been in love, never been married. That business about talking to Hashem? I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face. It's just not going to happen. The best thing is to learn how to be comfortable with yourself. If you're lucky, you have a good family to give you emotional support. I don't; given my age, most of my relatives are dead. If Hashem is truly with you, He'll send you good friends with whom you can share even more than you can with your parents. B", Hashem has sent me some warm, supportive people I can turn to now and then. But that nonsense about being ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE you'll find your basherte. Don't hang your hat up on that one. Maybe it's true, but sometimes a basherte can die before meeting you, or marry the wrong person and stick with him/her "for the sake of the kids" or "for the sake of appearances" or for the sake of cowardice. So, enjoy life while you can.
Eliana
Brooklyn, NY
December 13, 2011
Alone
First of all, please know that you are not alone. You are experiencing the type of loneliness and hurt that each of us has experienced at least once in our lives. Also, Hashem is with you. Perhaps Hashem is saving you for the perfect mate. In any case, this is the time to be kind and nurturing to yourself. Join a community, a chavurah, a shul. Do activities YOU love and you will meet others who share your passions. Good luck and try to see the beauity in the world.
eva
Solana Beach, CA
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