Dear Rachel,
I really want to find someone that I can spend my life with, but time after
time I seem to end up with guys that treat me like dirt. It as if I am a magnet
to these kinds of guys. Then, finally, I met a guy who really did treat me like
a queen but I just wasn’t attracted to him and things became very boring very
quickly. Is there a way I can change my luck so that I can find someone who I
like and who is nice?
Looking for a Mensch
Palm Beach, FL
Dear Looking for a Mensch,
It doesn’t seem, from what you describe, that your situation has anything to
do with luck. It is not by chance that you are attracting the men that you are
attracting, but rather it appears that you are seeking such people and
personalities. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt that you do not want to be
treated like dirt, but it does appear that there is something exciting,
intriguing and attractive to you about these men, which is why you keep ending
up in relationships with them.
The Torah explains that a relationship between a man and a woman is like a
fire. There are fires that burn, with the flames destroying everything in their
midst, and there are the fires that warm, that glow, that illuminate. Your
relationships sound like they are pretty fiery. They probably start out very
exciting, very intense, and yet quickly taper off. Whereas, when you had met
someone that was nice, kind and warm, you found that you were bored. Perhaps the
problem is that you are looking for an intense flame but not recognizing that
often the intensity is not coming from the right place.
A fire burns its highest when there is a conflict, something working against
it. When the wind blows, the fire grows, but only until it is extinguished. In
order for the flame to remain constant and not die out, there can’t be wind, or
water or anything working against it. This stability may appear to be “boring”
but it is exactly what is seemingly “boring” that makes for a long term
relationship. And when the flame is lower, it is that much less likely to be
blown out by some wind if wind comes its way.
It is not just symbolic that the relationship of a man and woman is compared
to that of fire. More so, in the words in Hebrew for man and woman, both contain
the two letters of an aleph and a shin which make the word aish
in Hebrew, meaning “fire.” Yet each word also contains an additional letter,
and that is a yud in the word for “man” and a hei in the word for
“woman.” These two letters comprise one of the names for G-d, meaning that fire
alone is not enough for a relationship to flourish. It is when there is a Higher
power involved in the relationship that ensures that the fire is one that warms
and not burn. This means that when both partners realize that the relationship
is not just about them, but about the other, and with a holy purpose, then it
has the ingredients necessary to last.
Before getting involved in another relationship, take your time to figure out
if this is someone that you can see a future with. Do not try to figure out if
this is someone you might like now, might be attracted to now. For now is
temporary. What is essential is that you look for the component that will
attract you to this person 50 years from now. And while “nice” may not be the
most exciting quality, it is certainly one that you want in the person you are
looking to spend your life with.
I wish you much luck in your search for your husband. May you find someone
who recognizes who you are and treats you as you deserve.
Rachel
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