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Public Displays of Affection?

Public Displays of Affection?

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Dear Rachel,

I was just at a friend’s wedding who I haven’t seen since college. She has been living in Israel the last few years and during that time became Orthodox. When we spoke on the phone she told me how happy she was to be getting married and how wonderful she thought her fiancé was, and how much she loved him, but at the wedding, they never held hands and didn’t even kiss at the end of the ceremony. Is this how a couple that is supposedly in love acts?

Confused
Omaha, NE

Dear Confused,

If this was your first experience at an Orthodox wedding I can definitely understand your confusion. I imagine there were a number of things that might have seemed strange or not made sense. And the issue of the lack of physical contact is definitely something that is quite different than the traditional “you may now kiss the bride…”

It is important, therefore, to first explain the idea of touch and physicality within Judaism. Touch is something that is intended to be not only loving but also intimate. When a man and woman touch, there is always the potential of a spark, a sexual element. Being that touch is seen as such, there are many laws within Judaism that prohibit the touching between men and women who are not married, unless it is one’s parents or siblings.

But even though a woman and her husband can obviously hold hands, can hug, and can kiss, chances are that you will never see that. For if touch is considered intimate, then it is completely inappropriate for it to be made public. The love between a husband and wife is something that should be felt, not something that should be seen.

The reason your friend didn’t hold her husband’s hand, dance with him, hug him or touch him publicly at all, is because that is an aspect of their relationship that is completely private and reserved for the two of them alone to share. Because it is so special, it is not something out in the open.

We have become so accustomed to seeing physicality brazenly displayed, that when it isn’t done, it may seem bizarre. But if we recognize the intensity and feelings that should accompany any and all touch between the sexes, we would most likely not be so quick to be nonchalant with it. In the US it is customary to shake hands upon meeting someone. In other countries a kiss of the woman’s hand or even a kiss on the cheek is an appropriate greeting.

What a shame when holding hands, let alone a kiss, become meaningless. What then does it take to express true love and feeling? When touch is not part of the equation between those who are not married and is reserved for absolute privacy amongst those who are, then touch retains its power and value and does not become dull or ordinary.

I imagine your friend is extremely happy and in love, just as she told you she was. Although you may not have seen the physical expression of that, it by no means is because it wasn’t there. It just wasn’t there for you, as it is there only for the two of them to share.

I hope that helps clarify what took place and hope that you will share many other joyous occasions with your friend and her new husband.

Rachel

"Dear Rachel" is a bi-weekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sara Esther Crispe.

Sara Esther Crispe, a writer, inspirational speaker and mother of four, is the Co-Director of Interinclusion, a non-profit multi-layered educational initiative celebrating the convergence between contemporary arts and sciences and timeless Jewish wisdom. Prior to that she was the editor of TheJewishWoman.org and wrote the popular weekly blog, Musing for Meaning. To book Sara Esther for a speaking engagement, please click here.
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Rachel New York via chabadect.com April 19, 2015

intimate touch I've read most of the comments and agree with Rabbi Brownstein. I've been married for 18 years now and my husband and I keep our private lives just that - private. I don't go dangling my precious jewels out in public for the general population to dissect and discuss. My intimate life is infinitely more precious to me than any jewels or physical possessions I may have and I treasure it as such. My marriage is stronger for it, not weaker. I can't see myself having the same relationship with my husband if it was a matter of public display. Reply

Rabbi Shmary Brownstein Chabad.org January 23, 2014

To Bo Avoiding PDA is neither an act of love toward another nor a display of piety, but simply appropriate and dignified behavior from the Torah perspective. That which is intimate is private, not because it is shameful, but because as soon as it is displayed it is no longer intimate, and is unseemly. We don't keep from the inappropriate because of what it might lead to, but because it is itself to be avoided. In Judaism, privacy is itself a virtue; that which is precious and cherished is not for public display. And we need not look back to hedonism of the past; we learn daily of people who have lost all sense of where lines should be drawn in male/female interactions. Reply

Bo Arizona January 11, 2014

Very intersting thoughts I find your blog very interesting and enlightening. I also felt in somewhat of an agreement to the responded from Los Angeles. It seems that this somewhat ancient law of no touch in public is in a scene a response to the total hedonism of ancient culture. I wonder if in the heart of those that practice this law, is it out of love to the one they do not want to touch publicly or a prideful display of piety? And why would it frustrate you if others can show displays of affection (kissing a cheek, hand shacking, hugging) without lust in there heart. Thanks for the post! Reply

Anonymous Chicagoland, Illinois April 30, 2012

Makes me reconsider my PDA I stumbled upon this article because I needed to find out what was appropriate behavior when out shopping with my "significant other". My background in a particularly "strict" Christian church, is similar to Orthodox Judaism. Because of this and also being in my first romantic relationship, I struggle with physical displays of affection towards my beloved, especially since I do not want to "awaken love until it pleases" as Song of Solomon states.

I want all displays of affection to be meaningful, even if it means less of them. I want them to say, "I love you.", not "I lust after you." I am not saying less is more, but more thought should go behind each gesture.

Thank you so much! Reply

Lisa Providence, RI January 19, 2011

Affection in Public Orthodox Judaism doesn't allow public displays of affection - they believe it should only be done in the privacy of their own home.

Some people think it's "embarrassing and inappropriate" to show affection in public, and get angry at people who don't agree with their feelings.

I personally think it's disgusting to "hang all over people" in public - I even read a story about a couple who did that on a dance floor and the DJ said: "Will the couple in the middle of the dance floor please find a room!" They left and never went back! Reply

Anonymous Long Beach, CA June 9, 2010

Hug in Public My husband and I have been going through a hard time. A woman friend asked us to do a writing assignment. After that my husband asked if he could hug me. I said no. My woman friend yelled at me in private for not hugging him.

I guess for some reason I just found it Too Personal to hug him in front of her. I think I feel odd about public displays of affection with my husband except taking his arm when walking or dancing in public.

Also, there were private things that needed to be said first and I really needed an apology from him first.

Is it ok for me to not feel right about public displays of affection?

I guess I think our marriage is "our" business in the privacy of our home. Any comments?
Thanks everyone... Reply

Shoshana Chana Dallas, TX October 12, 2008

Re: meanings (Part 2) Contrary to popular culture, as always, traditional Judaism recognizes the potential power of touch. Think of it, if you would. If you literally never touch a member of the opposite sex in any way, aside from your spouse and immediate family members, how much more powerful and electric will it be when you do something as small as stroke your spouse's hand. I once inadvertently saw such a touch between a newly married Orthodox couple and the intense intimacy of it, shown by the expressions on their faces and the aura around them, made me blush and turn away. It was honestly more intimate than some couples I have seen being far more physical on public park benches.

Just food for thought. Reply

Shoshana Chana Dallas, TX October 12, 2008

Re: meanings (Part 1) Your point illustrates precisely that which Orthodox Judaism addresses. Today, touch between men and women has become normal. Like all things that become common and are done too much with too many people, intergender touch has become something dull. So dull that it is acceptable to do this anytime, anywhere with anyone.

There was a time when there was no such thing. Then shaking hands become acceptable. Then kissing on the cheek, then hugging... I do not think it would be out of line to note that this is an escalating trend and it frightens me to think of where it could lead, as people now openly talk of "swinger parties" and I have heard on too many occasions that "kissing/making out isn't really cheating." Reply

margrete England January 23, 2008

April: 'most liberal religions...' I don't know about all religions, but in Christian weddings it's not common to say 'you may now kiss the bride'. I've been married twice in church, 1957 and 2002, and this was never said. It's said at civil ceremonies where no religion at all is involved!

Of course, I don't know what happens in other countries - USA for instance. I'm talking about England.

Shaking hands is a long-established English custom, but it wasn't used by women until the early 19th century - a bow was sufficient when greeting friends. We shake hands to show open-ness and trust between e.g. friends or business colleagues. Reply

Venezuelan Jew caracas, venezuela via chabadcostarica.com April 23, 2007

Just give a shot! MR California...(from the "meanings" opinion), not talking about religious things, because I respect and do what G-d tells us to do even thought it doesnt have too much "human sense". But talking with "humans" logic, we can understand that touching is somehitng that needs confidence. Shaking hands its a little but common "quantity" of confidence, but as we know confidence in normal conditions grows and not the oposite, and because of that you can see how do friends touch between them in several non-kosher places with "no problem", but that is not the highest level of confidence, i hope you understand wich one is, using your "human logic" of cousre. There is a saying in spanish that says: "la confianza trae asco", witch means thath confidence becomes at the end of the road on discousting. I want to apologize for my bad english writing, as you can see i'm an latin american guy so english is not my first language. I hope that you and all of the readers could understand my point. Reply

Anonymous Los Angeles, CA/USA via chabadpasadena.com April 20, 2007

meanings While I understand that some people imbue a deep meaning into every action, and I respect the philosophy of that, I wonder one thing: why should the act of a simple touch be interpreted as sexual? Can't we show a sign of respect (a handshake) or affection (a handshake, a kiss on the cheek as many Europeans do) without that sign meaning so much more? I think there is a huge distinction between those gestures and true intimacy between one man and one woman.
As for public displays of affection, they are not supposed to be to "show off" how much 2 people love each other. Two people should be as affectionate as they want to be with each other, and that's not for others to question. Reply

April Seattle, wa March 30, 2007

Public Displays of Affection I agree with the Orthodox custom of reserving physical touch for private moments. Especially after a wedding ceremony, when you kiss you show the other person how you feel. Why start the first few moments as husband and wife in this restricted,cold,and short show of affection, as a simple kiss on the lips (due to everyone watching).Even in the most liberal religions it would be inappropriate to get lost in a passionate kiss at the alter. It is better to wait a few moments so the couple can be alone for their first kiss as husband and wife,This way they dont have to cheat each other of the full range of emotions that they would be feeling, They would not have to hold back. Orthodox Jews really know what they are doing :> Reply

Anonymous caracas, venezuela via chabadcostarica.com March 25, 2007

hmmthe easy way? Ms lisa .... i dont even want to comment about u'r opinion Reply

Lisa Providence, RI March 12, 2007

Public Displays of Affection I practice Reform Judaism, and I always thought Orthodox Jews considered it "inappropriate" to show physical contact in public.

When I learned Orthodox Weddings didn't allow kissing after breaking the wine glass, I didn't like that at all - it didn't make any sense to me - I considered it cold!

I'm basically an affectionate person who understands there's a time and place for everything - that's what I was taught growing up. I'm also respectful of people who choose to continue to practice the Orthodox Customs.

Our faith has much to teach us, and we don't always have to like or agree with everything we learn. Reply

Yael Atlanta, GA February 19, 2007

Public Displays of Affection Before my husband and I had our orthodox conversion, I was a firm believer of PDAs. After all, wasn't that was all our friends wanted to see, and what we wanted to prove to them?

After our conversion, we were seperated for 90 days before our orthodox wedding. At our wedding, too, there was no kiss at the end of the ceremony, no hand holding, dancing, nothing, EXCEPT, this wonderful hidden love for my husband, private for just us. This last year and a half has been magical, and we have nothing to prove to anyone. Oh, by the way...I'm just a couple of years from hitting 50! I wish I had had this all my life. Reply

Venezuelan Jew caracas, venezuela via chabadcostarica.com February 16, 2007

Start acting i liked pretty much this answear, and i have to say it helped, because ive just became shomer neguia about 2 months ago and its not hard, but sometimes i start doubting, so this helps alot... (im sorry if i got some mistakes on my english, its not my first language) purim sameaj! Reply

nat Brooklyn, NY February 8, 2007

True love The formula is simple. Minimize interaction with the opposite gender, and your personal love life skyrockets.
The orthodox Jew, the Chassid, are not naive or old fashioned. On contrair. We try not to stare/analyze the other gender and Hashem rewards us with true intense love from the heart and soul.
Having come from a secular background, and tasted 'nightlife in the city', I can tell you: Nothing comes close to the love experienced by a Chassid couple! (Yes, that naive looking Chassid who looks down to the sidewalk as he traverses Fifth Ave.)
If people would taste this level of love, they would all become Chassidim!

(PS. um.. Please excuse me, a male, for visiting the woman's section here on chabad.org. I inadvertently clicked a link in email I received from chabad.org. It seems like divine providence wanted this posted..) Reply

sariti February 7, 2007

thanks rachel, it really does clarify the issue. thanks for a lucid, real explanation.
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