Dear Rachel,
I was just at a friend’s wedding who I haven’t seen since college. She has
been living in Israel the last few years and during that time became Orthodox.
When we spoke on the phone she told me how happy she was to be getting married
and how wonderful she thought her fiancé was, and how much she loved him, but at
the wedding, they never held hands and didn’t even kiss at the end of the
ceremony. Is this how a couple that is supposedly in love acts?
Confused
Omaha, NE
Dear Confused,
If this was your first experience at an Orthodox wedding I can definitely
understand your confusion. I imagine there were a number of things that might
have seemed strange or not made sense. And the issue of the lack of physical
contact is definitely something that is quite different than the traditional
“you may now kiss the bride…”
It is important, therefore, to first explain the idea of touch and
physicality within Judaism. Touch is something that is intended to be not only
loving but also intimate. When a man and woman touch, there is always the
potential of a spark, a sexual element. Being that touch is seen as such, there
are many laws within Judaism that prohibit the touching between men and women
who are not married, unless it is one’s parents or siblings.
But even though a woman and her husband can obviously hold hands, can hug,
and can kiss, chances are that you will never see that. For if touch is
considered intimate, then it is completely inappropriate for it to be made
public. The love between a husband and wife is something that should be felt,
not something that should be seen.
The reason your friend didn’t hold her husband’s hand, dance with him, hug
him or touch him publicly at all, is because that is an aspect of their
relationship that is completely private and reserved for the two of them alone
to share. Because it is so special, it is not something out in the open.
We have become so accustomed to seeing physicality brazenly displayed, that
when it isn’t done, it may seem bizarre. But if we recognize the intensity and
feelings that should accompany any and all touch between the sexes, we would
most likely not be so quick to be nonchalant with it. In the US it is customary
to shake hands upon meeting someone. In other countries a kiss of the woman’s
hand or even a kiss on the cheek is an appropriate greeting.
What a shame when holding hands, let alone a kiss, become meaningless. What
then does it take to express true love and feeling? When touch is not part of
the equation between those who are not married and is reserved for absolute
privacy amongst those who are, then touch retains its power and value and does
not become dull or ordinary.
I imagine your friend is extremely happy and in love, just as she told you
she was. Although you may not have seen the physical expression of that, it by
no means is because it wasn’t there. It just wasn’t there for you, as it is
there only for the two of them to share.
I hope that helps clarify what took place and hope that you will share many
other joyous occasions with your friend and her new husband.
Rachel
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