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Lying for a Friend?!

Lying for a Friend?!

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Dear Rachel,

I believe that I have found someone who I could marry, but there is a large block in the road. I am best friends with his sister, and have been for 12 years. Yet for the past year she has been secretly dating someone that her family absolutely doesn’t approve of. From the beginning I have told her to keep me out of the relationship because I do not want to be involved in the lie. In addition, the relationship she is in puts enormous strain on our friendship, and it has, on more than one occasion, jeopardized our friendship. Meanwhile, her brother does not know she is dating this man, and I have not said anything. There is no question that if he finds out and discovers that I knew, he will feel I have lied to him. Not only don’t I think that my friend should be with this man but I fear that I could lose a very special relationship of my own because of it. And yet, it is not my place to expose her. I do not know what to do or say.

H.C.
Manchester, England

Dear H.C.,

That is quite a story you have to share. You are in the midst of a difficult predicament. I do have some thoughts for you which I hope you will find helpful.

There is a story about a group of travelers at sea. They shared a communal place on deck and they each had their own private compartment to which they'd retire. One evening, some passengers heard a series of startling noises. They rushed down to one of the lower cabins from where the noise was coming, and they found a man drilling a hole in the floor of the boat. Astonished, they said, "What are you doing – you’re going to sink the boat and we will all sink with you." And he replied, "But this is my cabin, I can do with it what I want."

The moral is simple: our actions affect others. This is a lesson that your best friend needs to become acquainted with. As her best friend of twelve years, you are in a unique position to help her understand the ripple affect of her actions. I recommend that you arrange a quiet time to sit down with your friend and talk to her simply and honestly about how much damage her secret is causing. Let her know that not only do you disprove of her relationship, but she should also be made aware of your feelings for her brother and how you keeping her secret is jeopardizing that relationship.

If your friendship meaningful to her, she will realize the need to alleviate the stress she’s putting on you. It is too much to bare, and it is simply dishonest. If she chooses to continue to be dishonest with her family, that is her business, but she cannot expect you to cover for her. It is simply unreasonable. You don’t necessarily have to expose her, but you have no obligation to lie for her, and it’s unreasonable for her to expect you to. She needs to hear that from you.

Remember, we can’t force other people to do the "right thing." It’s a choice, and one that only she can make. But you can make good choices for yourself. You can choose to support your friend during what must be a very difficult time her and help guide her towards a solution. She must be tormented inside. Maybe you can be the one to help her realign her priorities and start making some responsible decisions.

I wish you both much success and blessing,

Rachel

“Dear Rachel” is a biweekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sarah Zadok.

Sarah Zadok is a childbirth educator, doula and freelance writer. She lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel, with her husband and four children.

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Discussion (2)
January 23, 2011
Lying is NOT the Answer!
You're in a very tough situation. You want to marry your best friend's brother, and his sister is dating a man her family doesn't approve of behind their backs. I believe they'll eventually find out whether you say anything or not.

Relationships are based on trust, and there's always the risk of losing someone you love and care about. You have to talk to your boyfriend and let him know you told his sister to keep you out of her relationship because you don't want to be involved in a lie, and her relationship is straining your friendship with her.

I hope you and your boyfriend can find help in dealing with this situation.
Lisa
Providence, RI
December 31, 2006
Conflict of Interest?
Dear H.C.

If you have a large block in the road, you have 2 options. 1- you can leave the roadblock there and be stagnant, go nowhere, still own your problem or....... 2- you can take action to come up with solutions to remove the roadblock so you can move on adn have shalom. I encourage you to do whatever it takes.....

Personally, I see a conflict of interest. I would never date one of my best friends's brothers. I would see it as too dramatic and complicated. You have already been friends with her for 12 years. I think the issue here is that you need to come clean in your friendship....so your neshama (soul) has peace...I would talk to your LOR (local orthodox Rabbi) and ask what to do as well.

P.S. You said, "I do not want to be involved in the lie." (But you already are involved in the lie, so do something about it, so you will have shalom;)
SassySarahRuth
CA
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