When we first tried to conceive I asked the doctor if we would have to endure infertility treatments every time we wanted to have a child. I wanted him to tell me that once I conceived, I could put all the injections and pills behind me and from then on conceive naturally. He didn’t. Instead he told me honestly, "I don’t know."
Treatment after treatment, month after month, year after year, my womb remained empty. Nothing happened except the pain in my heart grew stronger. I felt like everyone around me was pregnant and having babies. Especially in my community it’s hard not to feel like you are "the only one" without children.
I cried to G‑d, I pleaded with Him. I looked to our matriarchs for guidance and clues as to how to overcome this test. I spoke with rabbis and friends. At last it slowly hit me that I simply had no control over the matter. It was the first time in my life that I had such a clear revelation of the grandeur of my Creator and how I was completely and totally in His hands.
I let myself go. The stubborn voice inside of me that said, "We will have children," never completely faded, but it did quiet down. We put the conventional treatments on hold, we took a break, and then we decided to try a different approach. We changed our diet, tried acupuncture and took herbs. Shortly after I conceived and nine months later I gave birth to our son.
It took me months to realize that I actually had a son. I had a hard time believing that this beautiful life came from my body and that I was his mother. The gratitude that I feel is immeasurable. Why then has the longing returned; as well as the aching and uncertainty?
Daily I pray for childless couples and I feel so guilty from my feelings. Why can’t I just be thrilled at what I have--the blessing that G‑d has given me? Instead my eyes focus on the bulging bellies of pregnant women. I see siblings play together and large families walking down the streets. I hug my son dearly and wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel the sensation of life growing inside of me again. I wonder if I’ll be able to provide for him brothers and sisters with whom to play.
Letting go helps me get through my darkest moments
I’ve returned to acupuncture and stick to my diet. Nothing has happened, yet. So I’m waiting and I find myself in the same situation as I did two years ago even though now having a son, everything has changed. The little voice inside of me insists, "You have one, there’s no reason why you can’t have another." But it’s fading.
I throw myself once again completely in the hands of my Creator. I admit to Him, to myself, that even with all that I do, I have no control over this, over any matter. I find that letting go helps me get through my darkest moments. A friend of mine asked me how I could do that; how could I give up? I explained to her that letting go and letting G‑d take over is not giving up. In fact it’s the only way to fight a battle.