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Chabad.org » The Jewish Woman » Women's Health & Concerns » Abuse » An Alcoholic Mother
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An Alcoholic Mother


Although most people may identify the 'drinker' in a home as the paternal figure, in my situation, it is my mother who struggles with alcoholism. It is an issue that has affected all levels of functions in my home and leaves us, the kids, with much confusion and disappointment in the crucial relationship between mother and child. I hope that through this article that you gain more insight into alcoholism, and perhaps, if applicable, begin to recognize your ability to make changes in your life.

Drinking, to be perfectly blunt, is purely selfish behavior

My mother began drinking several years ago. She has largely struggled with various issues throughout her life, and has either successfully found necessary methods with which to cope, or sadly, turned to other forms of "help". It started with wine at the dinner table, first several times a week, a little extra at the Shabbat table, and then every night. Not so unusual. Not enough to make anyone think twice. It's important to unwind a little after a day's work, so I must have believed. I don't remember when, and I don't remember why, but quickly it became more frequent, heavier substances, larger amounts, and it was then that my mother took a more non-present role in my, and her own, life.

I cannot begin to explain the pain and despair in knowing my mother is unable to deal with her own challenges and has to resort to oblivion from a bottle. It is difficult to feel loved, or believe the sentence "I love you" when it's heard from someone who may not be lucid, or will not be lucid in an hour or two. The reason, as I feel it, is because proclaiming love for another demands a level of selflessness, and drinking, to be perfectly blunt, is purely selfish behavior. As I said earlier, I don't mean to condone or criticize, and I know that everyone who struggles with alcoholism may have a thousand perfectly good reasons for why they resorted to this particular method of coping. But, I can't begin to reiterate how important it is for anyone --especially a parent--to learn to deal with their emotions in the proper forums and stop damaging their families and themselves with this insane habit.

It hurts. It hurts to see a mother "un-well", to hear someone vomiting in the bathroom, to hear slurred speech and crying, to find open bottles – empty bottles. It is difficult to respond to her interest in my life in moments of sobriety; I doubt her love, and I cannot trust it. I am nearing adulthood, and so I have my own methods of dealing with this issue in my home. I am saddened that I'm forced to have taken such a stance and that I feel the need to protect myself from my home environment. I am afraid to think of what would happen had I been ten years younger when this problem exploded. I'm almost certain that I or one of my siblings would have taken up serious drinking, and it very likely would have left us engaging in all forms of dangerous and promiscuous activity. I shiver when reminded of families who deal with an alcoholic parent's violent and abusive behaviors, and the brutal damage inflicted. The confusion and pain must be unbearable.

To anyone battling alcoholism, I implore you to seek help. It is perhaps the largest challenge you will face – exactly what you go to such lengths to avoid – and it will most likely force you to face demons you constantly lock away. There will be moments you won't feel capable of facing and you will be forced to resolve the relationships you've hurt as a result of drinking. I cannot fully understand the mind-frame of a drinker, and perhaps you may think that I'm naive in my hopes for a better future. Maybe you're right and maybe I don't know what can motivate a person to face reality once again, but I strongly believe that a) your children and b) the potential success and joy one will discover in taking control of his/her life again, can be more than enough to encourage a person to face their issues.

Your children are suffering. Whether they are consciously aware of your problem [and trust me, they are aware], or not – your child is in desperate need of your presence and attention. Please don't disappoint them. Parents are meant to love their kids. It is perhaps this awareness that may drive one to drink more, but I ask you to find the strength within yourself to keep this awareness with you and not lose it to a few more hours of oblivion. No one remains unaffected by alcohol abuse The destruction continues and nothing is accomplished. Please be proactive with yourself. I am amazed at the reservoir of courage people can find within themselves, and I beg you, for the sake of your family and yourself, dig a little deeper – seek help – in order to find this place. The reward is outstanding. There is no greater sign of love for your children, and respect for your spouse – and most certainly yourself – than this act of bravery and renewed self-control.

As for my own attitude towards drinking, I find myself in a place where I tolerate and enjoy friendly drinking in moderation, but I am completely against emotional drinking and alcoholism for obvious reasons. It took me a long while to get to this point. For a long time, I was angry about the unfortunate situation in my home, and I too – paradoxically, yet understandably – used alcohol to numb and forget the issues raging through my home and self. No one remains unaffected by alcohol abuse, and each involved person will respond in their own way. It is obvious that this problem will almost certainly be passed on if not dealt with appropriately. I thank G-d that I had people who helped me see myself beyond these circumstances. I don't know where I'd be had I not had the resources to deal with it.

Please don't put your children into this situation. I'm sure the last thing any drinking parent would want for their child is to see them continue their destructive patterns. But only you are in a position to prevent that from happening. Please don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise, and please don't numb this awareness. The first step, and it is huge, is to face the reality, and then move forward with effective measures. It may take time, but it will be the most rewarding decision you could make for the sake of yourself and the people in your life.

I think we all know people who very obviously live with this problem, or some you may simply suspect are "over-doing it." It is a serious problem and can escalate extremely quickly dependent on rather simple circumstances. It is surprising to see the seemingly mundane scenarios that can trigger one to drink heavily. Please encourage those who may be struggling to deal with their problems in a healthier manner. They can use your support. Be it a spouse, child or friend, we have a responsibility to offer our help and attention, and as they have made the decision to recover, avoid shunning this person in their time of distress.

I wish you all much courage and success through your life journeys.

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By Anonymous
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Latest Comments:
Posted: Feb 4, 2012
Selfish Alcoholics
Children of alcoholics cannot come through childhood without damage.I had both parents addicted to the poison,I now detest people who drink to excess.It brings the most hideous side of a person.Have 1 mother and 1 father with such a problem,multiplies problems enormously.Fortunately today laws protect the child,at least tries to from such harm.I was born pickled,thank G-d the only physical sign of F. A. S (feotal alcohol syndrome)is my missing top lip.To all those who have such parents you need to ask for help outside the home,it cant come from them,the bottle is all they really care for.If you have meet one alcoholic,you've met 1,youve met them all..IT is the name alcoholics often give the child,I was called it,as was my younger sister.When the woman who gave birth to me died,I asked my Rav if I had to sit Shiva,since I had mourned the loss my whole life,no Shiva for me.A friend mentioned to me that she thinks i have low self esteem,I told her "rubbish low esteem I have none!'
Posted By Anonymous, Balaclava,Melbourne, Victoria

Posted: Feb 2, 2012
Im Watching Her Die
My mother is dieing right now in hospital from alcoholism.Shes 49 and has drank heavily ever since i can remember.I was always there for her regardless of the hurtful things she done.the only time i stopped speaking to her was when my little brother was taken into care.we have since reconciled.i am 24, sitting in her living room on my own having just spent another day sitting at her bedside in the hospital.i hate leaving her there on her own but the hospital dont let u stay.although i knew this day was coming and thought i was ready..i realise now i couldnt ever be ready for what im witnessing now,myself and the family are doing our best to be strong and be there with her everyday doing what she needs for whatever time she has left..i dont want her to die alone or afraid. im not even sure why im writing here i just started googling things..iv never spoken about the situation before or looked for help for myself..this is a first for me
Posted By Ash, Ireland

Posted: Feb 2, 2012
Dear Child of Abuse
You are not alone. There are a lot of people who are in your situation and who can help you. I hope that you will find a local Alateen meeting and take your little sister with you. You can try explaining to your 8-year old sister that mommy is sick, which is true. If she really knew what she was doing, she wouldn't. Understand that there is nothing you can do to change her situation. But you can change yours. I am a recovering alcoholic (I just celebrated 2 years of sobriety) and a child of an alcoholic so I know what it's like from both sides. Have courage!! You will be ok!!
Posted By Shulamith, Montreal

Posted: Jan 27, 2012
Child of Abuse
After an episode with my mother, and a few punches and slaps, I came across this website. I don't think you understand how much this helped and means to me. My mother has been an alcoholic since way before my parents got together. We struggle with it everyday as a family. But the most difficult part is to hear the question from my 8 year old sister, "what is wrong with mommy?" My friend and I made a promise to eachother never to drink because we both have alcoholic mothers. I try to talk to my friends and family, but no one really understands, they just give me pity which isn't what I am looking for. But for the first time something made me feel better and it was this post. Thank you so much!
Posted By Annie

Posted: Dec 6, 2011
Alcoholic Mother
I totally understand this post....its a horrible situation to go through! Both of my parents were alcoholics and while they were both different kinds of drinkers both were equally destructive....! I hope that people reading this post that may be going through a similar situation realise that this is not normal behaviour and that they are worth so much more!!! You need to get out of the destrucitve patterns if you can and lead your own life as this poison is not worth ruining your own life over!!! Take care guys and remember life is too precious to waste on such useless traits.....
Posted By Stuey, Edinburgh, Scotland

Posted: Aug 28, 2011
An Alcoholic Mother
Don't confuse enabling with compassion. Don't hate--but don't condone, excuse, drown in the same mud.

Only when I becme a mother myself did I understand that there is always a choice. My father was a physically abusive alcoholic at a time when "Jews didn't do that." My mother never protected me. I should have been a wretchedly abusive parent myself. I struggled wtih depression and anger for most of my life. But I CHOSE to be a good parent, and my child taught me how to be the mother he needed and was entitled to have. Illness is no excuse for failing to choose rightly--and that choice can begin as simply as acknowledging that a problem is bigger than you are. G-d will help--but you must have the courage to step up and ask.
Posted By Anonymous

Posted: Aug 25, 2011
Go to Al-Anon
If you have a parent who is an active alcoholic or if you are still suffering the effects of having an alcoholic parent, then you need to go to Al-Anon. Alcoholism makes the whole family sick. There is nothing you can do to help somebody who cannot stop drinking. Save yourself.

Understand the alcoholic is sick and suffering and may not want to do what s/he's doing any more, but doesn't know how to stop. Understanding is not easy because of all the anger and resentment. I could never understand why my father couldn't stop. Then I became one and understood what he was dealing with. I've been sober 19 months.

It is not easy for non-alcoholics to understand what alcoholism is and how it catches up with you. But know that the dynamic described in this article (basically a habit/ritual gone out of control) is common, especially for women, and that women get sicker, faster. You can also read Rabbi Shais Taub's God of our Understanding about Jewish spirituality and recovery.
Posted By Shulamith, Montreal

Posted: Mar 17, 2011
Bending like a reed in the wind
There is a story, "My Mom's a Party Girl" on p.199 of "Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul". It is so inspiring & touching.

It is told by a woman who was shocked when she went to visit the home of a male friend & met his mother. They were young at the time. She was shocked because his mother was a bad alcoholic with very drunken behaviour.

But the young man treated his mother with great courtesy & respect & praised her admirable qualities, of which there were many. He refused to condemn his mother, instead referring to her as "a party girl".

They were married & the author is full of praise for her husband. She says "Quit trying to change them and try some compassion...You'd be amazed how peaceful your life will become" (p.202).
Posted By Rosemary, Brisbane, Qld/Australia
via chabadbrisbane.com

Posted: Mar 13, 2011
almost the same continuation
because i spent it worrying about her.i know what you mean when you said its hard to believe "i love you" when the person wont even remeber it the next day. i completely understand where your coming from on how to get help and stuff but really were all convinced its to late, shes going to die, and very soon. she almost did just a few months ago, the doctors had told us not to hope for her recovery but somehow she managed to pull herself out of the coma and start drinking again, immeadiately. even after the pain she's put our family through, especially my father who is an amazing caring person, i still love her, but we've given up hope for her. wow i'm going to feel so guilty when she eventually does go.
Posted By Anonymous, dublin, ireland

Posted: Mar 13, 2011
almost the same
i'd say my situation is similar bbut not the same, im 16 and my mother of course has a rather extreme problem with alcohol, but its all iv ever known really, she was like this before i was born i think, or atleast when i was very young, i cant ask my older sister or brother it would just be too awkard for me. she now lives in a house of her own about an hours bus journey away because we couldnt take it anymore, her promises were always lbroken, her truth was always lies, we've sent her to rehab a good 5 times atleast, sometimes it worked once for a few months she was sober , her life pcked up she put on a bit of weight, bought new nice clothes and actually spoke intellegently senteces, she even did a six week computer course. and for some reason she started drinking again. her attention seeking is getting unreal, twice ow shes convinced me she has cancer, once on my sixteenth birthday almost a year ago a day before i was to go on a school trip to poland, entirely ruined because i spent
Posted By Anonymous, dublin, ireland



 


Abuse
Breaking the Silence
Out of the Depths: Reaffirming Life After Surviving Rape
Overcoming the Unthinkable
When You Abuse the One You Love
Reaching Out
Dear G-d, Why Me?
A Stranger in a Strange Land
An Alcoholic Mother
Escaping Captivity
Strangers We Call Family
A Marriage of Pain
Color My Leaves Green
When Your Home Isn't Your Haven
Human or Beast?
The Upside Down Room
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