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Dear Rachel
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Parents Don't Approve


Answered by Sara Esther Crispe

Dear Rachel,

I have been dating a wonderful guy for a few months now and we are getting quite serious. Things are really wonderful and I feel confident that he is the person I want to spend my life with. Yet there is one huge problem. My parents are completely against the relationship even though they haven’t even met or spoken to him. I keep trying to get them to spend time with him and get to know him so they will understand how great he is, but they have written him off based on superficial judgments and won’t have anything to do with him. He has also tried to speak with them and they have refused. I want to move ahead with the relationship, but I also don’t want to do so without my parent’s blessing. What should I do?

L.R.
NY, NY

Dear L.R.,

I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this issue as you find yourself getting ready for engagement and marriage. There is no decision more important or exciting than deciding to marry someone, and probably no greater time to desire your parent’s blessing and involvement. Yet it sounds like you may just need to move forward without them.

The first thing you must figure out is whether or not their objections are based in something concrete, or if they are putting other fears or their own issues on your which are not related to your particular situation. Your parents love you and want what is best for you, and if they disapprove of a situation, it is most likely because they feel they are trying to protect you from something they feel is negative. But while their motive may be good, it does not mean that they are right.

I am sure you know that one of the Ten Commandments is to honor your mother and father. And yet we find something very interesting. The Torah teaches us that when it comes to getting married, we are allowed to marry whom we choose, even if our parents disagree. This means that moving ahead in your relationship is not considered disrespect, and even more so, you are obligated to marry the person of your choice and who you feel is right for you.

It appears from what you describe that you have tried to speak to your parents about this man and have tried to get them to meet him. I would suggest you continue to do so, and also let them know how important it is for you to have their approval and involvement, but if they refuse to speak with him and get to know him, they will need to understand that you will be moving forward.

Your parents need to recognize that you are an adult, that you are doing what you think is best for you, and that you have found the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Simultaneously, you need to be open to hearing their concerns and to trying to understand if there is any legitimacy to them. For example, if they are concerned that he won’t be able to support you because he doesn’t have a stable job, then they have a solid concern. But if you know that he is responsible, that he has savings, that he is motivated and does have work, even though it may not be in the traditional 9-5 way, then you may not be worried. What is important is acknowledging their concerns, being honest with yourself if they really are problems, and if not, trying to explain to them and show them how the reality may be different then it appears to them at first glance.

If you know that this man is right for you, then the stronger and more upfront you are with your parents, the better. If you find that you are not telling them that things are progressing or hiding the relationship from them, because you know they don’t approve, then in the end you will be working against yourself and confirming whatever suspicions they may have. Part of being an adult and being ready to embark on such a major milestone in life such as marriage, is being able to face uncomfortable and difficult situations head on. Anything less only raises concerns that either you are not convinced that he is right for you or that you are not ready to move ahead.

Much luck with this situation. May you be blessed with clarity and strength, and if this man is everything you think he is, may your parents overcome their concerns and get to know him themselves, and hopefully see exactly what it is that you so clearly see!

Rachel
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"Dear Rachel" is a bi-weekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sara Esther Crispe.

Sara Esther Crispe, a writer, inspirational speaker and mother of four, is the editor of TheJewishWoman.org. To book Sara Esther for a speaking engagement, please click here.


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Reader Comments
Latest Comments:
Posted: Sep 11, 2011
PARENTS DISAGRREING FOR MARRIAGE
I m having a same problem..The boy is very honest to me..he loves me very much and i too..His parents agreed but my parents will not agree..They are very concerned about castes..We both are from different castes..My mom knows about this..she said no that we'll not do in different castes..ur dad will never get agree for this..now my boy friend has to get married to somebody else coz of hi parent's pressure..his marriage is fixed for next month..I m not able to live without him..and he too..WHAT SHOULD I DO??HELP ME...
Posted By ISHA, sonipat, HARYANA/INDIA

Posted: Dec 20, 2010
parents
Perhaps your parents don't approve because the boy is not Jewish, and they do not want you to end your ties with the Jewish nation. If that is their reason you should maybe consider listening to them, as hard as it is , and even if you really love this boy. You know, we Jews are a great and holy nation, going back 4000 years, to our great and noble ancesters, Abraham, Issac and Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.
G-d took us out of Egypt, opened the Red Sea for us and took us to Mt. Sinai, where He reveled Himself to us and gave us our holy Torah. The Jews have taught the world the belief in one G-d, and the concepts of peace and justice and respect for human life. (Read John Adams on the Jews). Jewish family life has always been the most stable and loyal and beautiful and has always been an example to all the nations. Furthermore, interfaith marriages have the highest rate of devorce and unhappiness, and confused children.
So listen to your wise parents
Posted By Shoshanah

Posted: Apr 18, 2010
Better now than later, Keke
it may hurt some now, but after more years and especially with children the pain can be beyond endurable nearly. Best time to run is in the beginning. People often change a lot between age 18-25...it might be better to wait until age 25 or so to make your choice.
Posted By Elizabeth, NC

Posted: Apr 14, 2010
i am going through the same thing but im 16...like i really love this man and its lik my mom and his mom dont appove of it so its hard to even let the one u love go.....
Posted By keke, newark, NJ US

Posted: Aug 2, 2009
Once more to Arthur, you make good remarks!
We did not WANT the responsibility for our children's mate choices. I did not tell my daughter NOT to marry the first guy but told her to wiat until he grew up. She did not wait; within 5 yrs divorced...none of that we had any part of. I told them both that the only solution for their marriage was G-D. Neither agreed. She is now married to a wonderful guy, we only met once prior to marriage. I agree children need to learn to make choices all along during life, so that hopefully as adults they will make the best ones. One thing though that I think so few realize, even if you do not live near in-laws, in a sense you DO marry the family. Some people are easier to take than others. The ideal is to marry a man whose family is wonderful!! Rabbi Brody says that the things in life that happen to us, will IN THE END anyway, be for our best interest. Even the places that cause us sorrow. And life is for learning...so I guess we are all still doing just that!!
Posted By Elizabeth

Posted: July 31, 2009
Once More, To Anonymous
I wasn't defining any terms for Judaism; just commenting on your situation and wondering if it's a more prevalent scenario with Jewish families. From what you describe, you've done nothing wrong, are a thoughtful person, and have only tried to live your life as best you know how. Tradition, being Torah observant, and respecting elders are all fine instincts. But the importance of assuming responsibility for one's own choices as an adult seems equally relevant. What kind of self-confidence is instilled in adult children when the message is "don't trust your own instincts, mother knows best"? And what happens when Mom dies and the kids are left to realize they're at the reigns, having made none of their own moves? Guidance and love are essential, but at some point you have to let go and let your kids live their own lives.
Posted By Arthur, Hoboken, NJ

Posted: July 30, 2009
To Arthur
There is no way in this short space to give all the specifics! I was trying to point out that the disapproval was not that apparent prior to our marriage. My fil on the other hand was approving, as were my parents. His mom had someone else picked out for him, that he says he would not have if she had been the last woman on earth! As to our children, I do think that children accept the situation that they are raised in and in not experiencing good times with extended family while growing up, they tend now to not see much of us either. There is no war, no disagreement and we have done a great lot for our inlaw kids too. We are not Jewish by your terms, only recently having learned of our Jewish heritage. But we were raised as G-D followers, just not Torah knowlegeable at all. Being TORAH observant would no doubt have made a big difference, but sadly we did not know of this path until our children were grown. The children do suffer too in such circumstances; no fault of theirs!!
Posted By Anonymous

Posted: July 30, 2009
Whose life is it anyway?
An interesting observation, Anonymous, and a difficult situation for anyone to endure. So what's more important - to be a well suited match for the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with, or to pick a person who meets with parental approval? Also, you're offering your opinion from the perspective of the person who was deemed unsuitable. What's your husband's take? And finally, you don't mention what the parental objections to you were? Is it another Jewish-specific situation, and if so what does it say about broader issues? Thirty-seven years you've remained married in an age of divorce and discontent. The opinionated mother in law has been dead a decade now, and still you attribute your kid's distance to this dynamic. Maybe you were more content living further away, as are your kids. Whatever the specifics, it's a heck of a legacy for your dead mother in law to take to her grave.
Posted By Arthur, Hoboken, NJ

Posted: July 29, 2009
Be prepared for the chance that the parents
will never change their minds. I have been married almost 37 years now. I was way too optimistic when I married at age 20. His parents never really changed...they became more covert. And when the children came, their extreme partiality towards the other grandchildren was not hidden...even non-kin could see it and spoke of it to us. It was one factor that drove us to live far away. Sadly, our children never did see much of the larger family cohesiveness. And now that they are grown, we do not see much of them either. I do believe they love us, they just think they need to stay apart from us. It is NOT what either my husband or I wanted and though we continued seeing our kin, still it was not very comfortable. Think twice about marrying when your family is not in agreement. I knew I was not his mom's choice, but I felt with time and my continuing to love and care for her, she would change. She died a decade ago, never changed...my experience for what its worth!!
Posted By Anonymous

Posted: July 28, 2009
Parent's Just Don't Like me!
I am in a relationship now with a girl whose parents just don't like me, they met me once and on every occasion tell their daughter that I am not for her, first it started by he's Sephardic and now its he does not have a beard, I find every day something new pops up and know the mother won't stop until I am not in the picture anymore, we start to argue about little things like where our kids will go to school and the cultures coming together, all which I think right now we need to concentrate on US and getting to know each other without the Parents stepping in. But when I think of it if her mother is this way now what happens as we continue I feel the mother will never stop trying to break us up!
Posted By Anonymous, Montreal, Quebec



 


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I Am Not Attracted to My Date
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