Parents Don't Approve

Dear Rachel,

I have been dating a wonderful guy for a few months now and we are getting quite serious. Things are really wonderful and I feel confident that he is the person I want to spend my life with. Yet there is one huge problem. My parents are completely against the relationship even though they haven’t even met or spoken to him. I keep trying to get them to spend time with him and get to know him so they will understand how great he is, but they have written him off based on superficial judgments and won’t have anything to do with him. He has also tried to speak with them and they have refused. I want to move ahead with the relationship, but I also don’t want to do so without my parent’s blessing. What should I do?

L.R.
NY, NY

Dear L.R.,

I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this issue as you find yourself getting ready for engagement and marriage. There is no decision more important or exciting than deciding to marry someone, and probably no greater time to desire your parent’s blessing and involvement. Yet it sounds like you may just need to move forward without them.

The first thing you must figure out is whether or not their objections are based in something concrete, or if they are putting other fears or their own issues on your which are not related to your particular situation. Your parents love you and want what is best for you, and if they disapprove of a situation, it is most likely because they feel they are trying to protect you from something they feel is negative. But while their motive may be good, it does not mean that they are right.

I am sure you know that one of the Ten Commandments is to honor your mother and father. And yet we find something very interesting. The Torah teaches us that when it comes to getting married, we are allowed to marry whom we choose, even if our parents disagree. This means that moving ahead in your relationship is not considered disrespect, and even more so, you are obligated to marry the person of your choice and who you feel is right for you.

It appears from what you describe that you have tried to speak to your parents about this man and have tried to get them to meet him. I would suggest you continue to do so, and also let them know how important it is for you to have their approval and involvement, but if they refuse to speak with him and get to know him, they will need to understand that you will be moving forward.

Your parents need to recognize that you are an adult, that you are doing what you think is best for you, and that you have found the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Simultaneously, you need to be open to hearing their concerns and to trying to understand if there is any legitimacy to them. For example, if they are concerned that he won’t be able to support you because he doesn’t have a stable job, then they have a solid concern. But if you know that he is responsible, that he has savings, that he is motivated and does have work, even though it may not be in the traditional 9-5 way, then you may not be worried. What is important is acknowledging their concerns, being honest with yourself if they really are problems, and if not, trying to explain to them and show them how the reality may be different then it appears to them at first glance.

If you know that this man is right for you, then the stronger and more upfront you are with your parents, the better. If you find that you are not telling them that things are progressing or hiding the relationship from them, because you know they don’t approve, then in the end you will be working against yourself and confirming whatever suspicions they may have. Part of being an adult and being ready to embark on such a major milestone in life such as marriage, is being able to face uncomfortable and difficult situations head on. Anything less only raises concerns that either you are not convinced that he is right for you or that you are not ready to move ahead.

Much luck with this situation. May you be blessed with clarity and strength, and if this man is everything you think he is, may your parents overcome their concerns and get to know him themselves, and hopefully see exactly what it is that you so clearly see!

Rachel

Answered by Sara Esther Crispe

"Dear Rachel" is a bi-weekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sara Esther Crispe.

Sara Esther Crispe, a writer, inspirational speaker and mother of four, is the editor of TheJewishWoman.org. To book Sara Esther for a speaking engagement, please click here.

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December 11, 2012

Pray for this relay

i have a same problem too . I met this guy last 6 month ago . And that time i was still in relay with my EX boyfriend . Suddenly we get into a fight . This man came and cheer me up that nite . He lends me his shoulder and wipe my tears . And I deeply fall in love with him after a few month . Then my mom disagree if I still in contact with this guy . Because my mom still believe my EX is better . Since I dont wanna any fight between my family so I rather keep my mouth shut . I feel stressed !

Anonymous
korea

November 2, 2012

to Anonymous UK

Your comments make a good deal of sense. It's like the old song that starts with 'teach your children well' and ends up with 'teach your parents well' ('their childrens' hell did slowly go by ..') There comes a point for most of us where we realize that our parents are not these answer-holding temples of wisdom that we perhaps hope they are. Some are capable of bestowing good advice with the experience of years and others are not. Some never get past the illusion that their children are exact extensions of themselves put here as a 'second chance' to get their own lives 'right' and do it differently based on whatever perceived mistakes they made. It's only been in experiencing the parental experiences of some others as an adult that I've come to appreciate my own parents fully. They weren't perfect but above all they were friends. A lot of people who are given the keys to parenthood are incapable of driving the car.

Arthur
Sheepshead Bay

November 1, 2012

parents opinions

I remember - many years ago (40+), my mother telling me what I should do all the time. The usual comment was "I know what you should do to make you happy". She regularly got upset if I asked her "are you a mind reader"? Today I look bck and see that had I followed her advice, in most matters,I'd have been a typical Edwardian gentleman doing what was right when my mother was young. To the day she died, she never changed. I was then in my 40s , married etc. And she still claimed to have that mystical knowledge. You love 'em so keep them happy if at all possible but make your own decisions and be prepared to accept the consequences.

Anonymous
London, UK

November 1, 2012

Parents

I have the same problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating over 6 months now and my mother doesnt approve of him. She has never met nor talked to him and from my understanding she doesnt want to.She doesnt even have a real reason not to like him. She claims she doesnt approve or like him because she asked me we're we talking before we were in a serious relationship and i said no. I dont and still dont consider it disrespectful because i'm old enough to make the decision of who i want to be with and who i love. I have let her control and run other relationships but this one is different. He means the world to me. She doesnt understand that he is so very good to me. He loves, protects, and respects me!! He listens and always tries to do what's best for me. I'm his other half, He always tells me he doesnt want to loose me. And i'm the most important thing in his life. But how can i be happy if my mother doesnt approve???????? :(

Ny'keria Clemons
Winona, MS

October 18, 2012

I also have the same problem, but this case is the lady's perant who do not love me, but rather prefer a man from their own tribe and they have chosen him, because he is sponsoring her, for long ago, less than a year but i have been with for ten years, pls advise me.

Augustine sabine kounke
Accra, Ghana

September 28, 2012

JDV - Well that's a great little piece of advice, given that in your particular situation all parties were relatively sane and compatible. But what of the child of, say, a severely, clinically narcissistic controlling mother and enabling, meek father? Do they owe it to their screwed up parents to live their life through and for them? At what point is an adult child allowed autonomy?

squash81
Hoboken, NY

September 27, 2012

Parents won't approve of fiance

Listen to your parents even though you might not agree with them. i did not know my BF long before we became engaged but my parents liked him and his parents liked me. After 30 years we are still together and i think that harmony with the extended family had a lot to do with it marriage is difficult enough without your having to go against your parents to do it.

JDV

July 8, 2012

School comes first

My mom wont let my relationship go on with my boyfriend because she feels he will distract me away from my school work.i mean,im 18yrz old and in the university,yet she doesnt think its my time for it yet.I love him so much and dont want to let go..but I also dont want to disappoint my mom:-(what do I do?

Vanessa
Lilongwe, Malawi

March 10, 2012

relationship probelm

I too have the same problem although we are Christians but my boyfriend he is a god servant from fellowship other church s i am from protestant church, my parents strongly disapprove as i have to leave my own church and go with hi. they can bear all these shame. but we both really love each other and understand each other a lot. we want to spend the whole life together but parents blessing also is important. what shall i i cant leave my boyfriend and we cant be separated.
please help

Anonymous
nagaland, India

February 17, 2012

His parents don't like me because of religion

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year,he is penticostal and i am orthodox,i'm not a very religious person but that's the religion in my country for most people.His father is a pastor and dislikes me because we do not share the same religion,i have been doing volunteer work since high-school and still he doesn't consider me to be a good person based only on religion,he has never met me nor does he want to.It's a very hurtful feeling but you just have to realize that the most hurt in this situation is your partner and he needs your love and support ,as long as a relationship is sincere and healthy you have no need for approval.Never let other people's selfish judgement ruin a beautiful connection.

Catalina
Bucharest, Romania

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