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Facing Infertility

Facing Infertility


I hardly knew her. Miriam was a thirty-something professional - we sat in the same office, and had worked side-by-side for about a year. She was always very nice, intelligent and charming, but we were never close since she lived in another community and we didn’t travel in the same circles. I guess we were just so busy with our own lives, and since our lives were so different, they never coincided. While we really enjoyed working together; talking about this and that, we just never had all that much in common: After all, her whole world seemed to revolve around her work, whereas my career was my family; with the office but a small part of my life.

I'd always thought she was happy: everything in her life was going just as she'd planned - she loved her job and was advancing up the corporate ladder, she had a caring and successful husband, and they had just bought a beautiful home. Everything was going right. Everything was perfect. Or so I thought.

What had I said in the past? How had I been insensitive?

And then, one day, out of the clear blue, as we stood around the coffee machine, she suddenly burst into tears. Startled, I tried to calm her, and when she felt a bit better she poured her heart out to me.

Everything was going right in her life... except for one thing.

She was not getting pregnant.

Miriam told me she and her husband had been trying to conceive, never expecting any problems, but after trying for over two years - nothing had happened. At first they'd laughed it off as 'work-induced stress', but after a while they realized it was a more serious problem. And so, while everything else was going so well, this one thing was certainly not. And this one thing was what they desired more than anything else.

"I thought of nothing else," she recalled to me. "I would be sitting in a meeting with a client and would be thinking about having babies. I remember once one of our co-workers made an innocent remark about going away for the weekend with her husband and leaving the kids with her mother. She was nervous about the kids missing her, and about her mother's ability to cope with three little ones. She smiled at me and said, 'You are so lucky you don't have these problems.' I gritted my teeth, smiled at her, and then went to the bathroom and cried for two hours."

I felt so terrible that someone said that to her, and then realized how easily I could have been the one to have. What had I said in the past? How had I been insensitive? It never even occurred to me that this was a painful topic. Never having had any inkling that she struggled with fertility problems (in truth, never having realized that anyone struggled with fertility problems) I was not aware of what a painful issue it was in so many lives.

I was taken aback - here I had worked next to this young woman for a year, we'd chatted casually about all kinds of things, and I had had the feeling that her life was proceeding just as she'd planned. Yet all along she'd been feeling deep-down miserable, and just hiding it well. And then, one day, over coffee, she could keep it in no longer - out it poured...and to someone she barely knew!

At first I didn't know how to react. Ironically, I had always been a bit intimidated by her. Miriam was a real powerhouse. Next to her, such a successful career woman, I felt like an ordinary housewife. Little did I know that it was what I had that she valued most. But Miriam seemed to need someone to confide in, someone objective and somewhat removed from her personal life; and I had a responsibility to listen. While I did not know why she picked me, I figured that if she had, I owed it to her to try and help in whatever way I could.

She told me she had started seeing a medical professional, a fertility specialist, who kept sending her for more and more tests - with no results.

"You just don't know what to do, who to talk to"

"I was overwhelmed; I would go to the doctor's office to do an ultrasound test to see when I was ovulating, and then rush to work. Many times I came late, and though the boss was very understanding I felt bad having to explain to him and to all my co-workers why I was always late and often grumpy. And then when I started on medication I felt worse physically, as well. And after all that, I would get my period - I was a total nervous wreck."

But just getting to a doctor, she explained, is not enough. Apparently each doctor has a specific specialty, and a doctor who helps one couple may not be able to help another. Miriam said she's met many couples who spent endless hours pursuing unsuitable doctors and inappropriate, time-consuming, anxiety-provoking treatments. Sometimes they would wait for months just to get to see a particular doctor only to be told that they should stop trying, that they were too old to conceive.

"You just don't know what to do, who to talk to", she said. "And I couldn't speak about it with anyone around me - my immediate family felt bad for us, didn't want to bring up the subject at all; my younger sister was wrapped up in her own kids; and it was obviously too personal a matter to discuss with professional colleagues. All my friends either had their own children to keep them busy, or weren't even interested in becoming pregnant... and they certainly didn't want to hear about my troubles. I felt all alone, as though I was the only person in the world with such problems - I had no one to turn to. "

Well ... I was certainly flattered that she'd decided to confide in me, a virtual stranger. - it must have been an act of sheer desperation on her part. But I was also flabbergasted: here was a problem I personally - thankfully - had known little about, an issue which, for many, is all-consuming and even life-determining. In retrospect, of course, I should have realized how overwhelmingly difficult it must be to have trouble conceiving, especially in our community. After all, Judaism places incredible value on family life and raising children. And it is impossible not to have your life revolve around your children once you have them. From the moment of conception on, your lives are forever changed.

I'm ashamed to admit I'd not really given the whole subject of infertility much thought. I guess I had just taken it for granted that people had babies when they chose to. Once Miriam and I started speaking, I began to wonder who else I knew who might have been affected. It had never occurred to me that maybe some people that I thought just must not have wanted might have very badly wanted children and couldn’t have them. I never thought to be sensitive when meeting someone and immediately asking, “So, how many children do you have?” I started wondering how many people might have extremely painful stories to relate about my thoughlessness.

The first thing I did after Miriam and I spoke was to search the computer to learn more about infertility. Sadly, Miriam and her husband are far from the only ones - they are just one of the thousands of couples who experience problems conceiving. In fact, about one in seven of all couples may have problems with fertility at some point during their married life. And it appears that the numbers only increase as the couple gets older. This means that around 15% of couples may not become pregnant after trying for twelve months. Some will subsequently conceive without any intervention, but most will require some medical assistance. It is unfortunately a rather widespread problem affecting many...and I was basically unaware.

One in seven of all couples may have problems with fertility at some point during their married life

A few months after the 'coffee-machine incident', Miriam arrived in the office one day looking much more at peace than I'd seen her in a long time. She had finally found a medical professional whom she trusted, one who was a source of tremendous emotional support and comfort for her and her husband and was guiding them through the entire process of fertility treatments. He was helping them put things into perspective and regain control of their lives. With the positive feedback she was now receiving, she was continuing treatment with greater confidence and a renewed sense of hope.

Miriam continues to thank me for ''being there' when she needed me; the truth is, I have learned a lot from her and have a lot to thank her for. I have learned to be more aware, to open my ears and my heart to others. And if someone should choose to confide in me and to express her feelings, or if someone just appears to be overwhelmed and in need of some support, I will try my best to listen, to let her speak freely of her frustrations and disappointments.

Because of Miriam I have started volunteering at a center for couples with fertility problems, sharing with these people their hopes and concerns. There are hundreds of couples like Miriam and her husband, most suffering in pain and in silence. They may well be our neighbors, our friends, people we go to synagogue with; and we may often be oblivious, or insensitive, or too absorbed in our own lives to share their worries. Through this incident, I have become determined to help, in any way I can. And not just by providing information about infertility to those who suffer from it, but to those who fortunately don’t, so that they will hopefully become a source of support and strength to those who do, rather than a source of pain and sorrow.

Most importantly, I have learned to count my blessings and never to take anything for granted. I hope and pray that one day I will be able to join in the happiness of Miriam and her husband, as well as the other families trying to conceive, so that I can be there when they do become pregnant, and give birth to a healthy baby, and gratefully welcome a little one into their homes.

Leah Weitz Cohen is the grateful mother of six children. She lives in Israel where she is a volunteer for the Puah Institute. The Puah Institute, founded in Jerusalem, has offices throughout the world that offer free counseling, emotional support, rabbinic guidance, and medical referrals to Jewish couples suffering from problems with fertility.
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DL SC August 22, 2017

What NOT to Say:

"It's God's Will" or "God will give you a baby if He wants you to have one." – you told your friend God chose to sterilize them for some arbitrary (probably asinine) “reason.” This is heartless, especially when they hear news reports about parents who neglect or kill their children. God found those people worthy, but not them?

"Wow! Why are you wasting so much money?"

"Why don't you adopt?" This is the first remark from other people's mouths,and the most insensitive. Infertile couples have already heard of adoption. The decision to adopt is very personal, and not for everyone. It may become an option, and, if so, they're probably considering it. Suggesting is unnecessary.

Please dont call someone "selfish" if they DON'T want to adopt. Adoption’s purpose is to provide children with homes, not infertiles with children. Adoption is NOT the sole responsibility of infertile couples, either. Do you have kids? Are they adopted? If not, hush up. Reply

Alex Cortes Oxford April 14, 2017

Hi Leah, I wanted to see if you'd be open to recording an audio performance of your story? We'd love to feature on our radio program for Fertility Awareness Week Reply

Anonymous singapore August 11, 2015

cried while reading your post cuz i can really relate myself to your colleague. had ppl telling/asking me:

"quick, go and have a baby!"
"you dont have plans for a baby?"
"you have problems having a baby?"
"you dont want to have a baby?"

all these comments came from women who are happily playing their role of 'mum', which makes it much harder to ignore. every single time someone comments as such, i felt like i just got stabbed/shot at and then went home crying, telling my hubs to dump me for another woman who can give birth.

seen 2 gynaes and tried TCM. results for both my hubs and i came back NORMAL, which made it even more frustrating. it helps when you have a supporting and optimistic hubby but sometimes it just annoying cuz he might not be able to fully grasp the emotion that the wife is going through. now, i could only keep comforting myself by saying:

"prolly the creator thinks its not the right time for you yet."

hopefully i get preg after trying IUI/IVF.. Reply

Anonymous July 3, 2015

I beg your pardon; I just posted about my and my husband’s experiencing adopting three daughter after losing our son, and I said in my post that I did not see that anyone had mentioned creating a family. How could I have overlooked that the first comment to appear (2/19/15), from Australia, is written by a woman with a 15 year old adopted son? The desire to experience pregnancy and birth is strong; however, no one need be childless. The world is full of children without parents, yearning for a loving home. Mazel Tov. Reply

Anonymous July 3, 2015

Adoption A lapsed Catholic, I have stumbled onto this incredible site and have soaked up the wisdom in many articles before reaching, and reading, this exquisitely empathetic essay.I am writing to say I am troubled that Ms. Weitz Cohen, and that none of the commentators, suggests that childless couples look to adoption as a way to fulfill their wish for children. After year of infertility, I gave birth to a child who, at age two, was killed in a car accident. This was 32 years ago. My husband’s and my life were enriched beyond measure by subsequently adopting three baby girls. I recognize that in the Jewish faith, passing on your genetic inheritance is greatly important, but please recognize the urgent need of children who are waiting for you, children without parents. With love and respect. Reply

Anonymous australia February 19, 2015

This so made me remember my own experiences. For nine years my husband and I went though fertility treatment until to save our sanity we gave up and turned to the foster system. Our son was 9 months old when he came to live with us, and 7yrs when the adoption went through. He is 15 now and still see's his biological family. Fertility treatment is NOT easy and it is NOT cheap. There are so many kids who need a family. Stay open. Reply

Anonymous Philippines November 17, 2014

This is so inspiring. May God bless you and hope everyone is like you. My husband and I are married for 3 years and still trying. I am now 30. I'm a bit scared that someday I can bear a child. Reply

Ashleydisel Beverly hills August 22, 2014

Infertility problem can be very difficult and very serious problem in a woman's life and you have mentioned the Infertility problems in your blog with every detail. Thanks for this informative post. Reply

naye Mexico February 4, 2014

I am feeling just as Miriam..for us who have 5 years of marriege is just time to have a baby but , we cant is very painful..I thnik we need to just take our hands and ..stay very hard because I am a teacher and see kids every day and I just imagine when i have a kid it will be like him, or i will do these or that .. and rigth now is a huge ..changen for us .. I hope we have. The stregth enought to pass these Reply

Anonymous June 11, 2013

Don't Give Up I just want to tell everyone not to give up. After struggling and trying and praying, I gave birth to a beautiful (poo poo poo) little boy last year at the age of 53. Do what you have to do and don't let anyone or anything stop you. Now, I have the energy of a 20-year-old and would like to have more children. Reply

Tsippi nesr Jerusalem May 11, 2013

Turnin' 40 and praying/believing for a miracle Yes, I turned 40 and I'm praying about starting IVF here in Israel. I must have egg donation as I have Turners Syndrome and when trying this before the preliminary tests were good but the timing wasn't right. My husband and I are praying that the timing is good and the tests go well again. I SO want a little one to hold! Reply

Anonymous April 13, 2013

16 years later I am 39 and my husband is 42. We just decided to try invetro. I am scared to death that it's not going to work. How will I cope...? Reply

tina liverpool November 23, 2012

furhter post I am now pregant I am the lady who wrote a post before having tryed for many years went prrivate in spain and after one miscarriage and 2 more failed attemps of egg donation reached my 50th birrthday and knew it was time to give up my doctor at clinic told me to not to give up have one more go and to my delight am now 6 months in to my preganancy expecting a little girl 7th March so even tho my age said to give up HOPE said give it one more go for all those women trying never give up if there is hope Reply

SRW Aventura February 9, 2012

thank you! Thank you for writing such a beautiful story. For those of us struggling with infertility, it becomes clear right away that so many people are unaware of what a heartbreaking challenge it is. People are a product of their experiences and that's what I started telling myself when someone would say something insensitive. Although it's hurtful when people think that my husband and I don't have children because we've chosen not to or are waiting, and I wish they knew better, most in the infertile world are so private about their struggles, it's no wonder so many people don't realize how widespread of an issue it is. To me, it's a victory when one more person learns or our struggle and empathizes, so thank you! Reply

Kelly Charlotte, NC January 9, 2012

Longing to be a mom I am touched to tears after reading this article. My husband and I suffered an ectopic pregnancy 5 months ago which left me with one fallopian tube. We are meeting with a fertility specialist in 2 weeks and I pray that he will be able to help us. Please say a prayer for us. We long to be parents and to be blessed with the gift of a child. Reply

Love Is Neustadt, Germany August 16, 2011

Touched I don't know if I would be welcomed to post here as I am not Jewish (but I have strong thoughts of converting to Judaism). I know the feeling of not being able to conceive. I have a child, and I am very grateful and thankful to the Almighty for my son, but he as a kid doesn't want to be the only child. I read the stories here and I cry with the women and couples and if they have no tears I have plenty to spare. I cry when I see other women with 2 or more children then ask Why me G-d? I have learned a lot from your religion in the several hours I decided to learn about it. May G-d bless you all with extreme happiness and may he grant your many desires to have/have more children. Reply

Tziviyah HP, NJ January 24, 2011

Rachelle Thank you for the suggestion. I will take a look at her site :) Reply

tina liverpool , uk January 19, 2011

Miriam your site has helped me so much knowing that i am not alone in my suffering I am at a age now where I know i should give up on ever becoming a mother but I can not ... after suffering a miscarriage and failed egg donatation I have five more frozen embryos only two will be implanted.. i reach my 50th birthday this June so no this is my last chance if it is G-d's plan I will concieve after years of lonliness and heartache watching all my family and friends raise there children I dont wont to grow old with out children but will except this time is the last time and G-d has other plans for me and a different path that i must follow with I pray for all you younger women to keep your strengh and never give up hope Reply

Rachelle London, UK January 5, 2011

This is for Tziviyah This is for Tziviyah, I can't contact you directly, but I feel where you are and am the Rachelle that posted above. YK 3 years ago, my husband and I prayed harder than we have ever prayed before (I saw how red his eyes where later that evening) for guidance on how to fulfill His commandments on family. Afterwards, through a suggestion to go to a certain dr, I was recommended this woman's nutritionalist - I have PCOS too and her methods and suggestions where amazing, she's in the UK but she writes books too. We now have a 16 month old daughter and I thank G-d every moment of every day for helping us find the way. Reply

Tziviyah HP, NJ January 4, 2011

B'ezrat Hashem My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and as far as I know, I'm still not pregnant. I understand how Miriams feels. I am close to my rabbi's children, they all got married after me, and all have at least 1 child now. I try to pray, ask for forgiveness. I rarely even menstruate. The doctors told me to lose weight, since I have PCOS. But its hard, and I get discouraged. And now, I don't have health insurance so I can't even afford to go to the doctor. But really its all from Hashem, so we all just need to have faith. And I learned to thank G-d for my current situation, because, G-d Forbid, maybe if I did have a child I would had died or the child would had died. We don't know what his ultimate plans are for us, but we must have faith that its in our best interest and with loving kindness. In the meantime, I find comfort in my wonderful husband and my pets. Reply

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