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The Jewish View of Divorce
Divorce is a tragedy, but sometimes it's the right thing to do
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When a couple gets married in a Jewish wedding ceremony, their souls become one.
It is like a spiritual operation that takes separate beings and fuses them into
a new whole. The Jewish divorce ceremony is the reverse of this. It is a
spiritual amputation, severing one part of the united soul from the other,
creating two separate beings.
Divorce, like an amputation, is a tragedy, but sometimes it's the right thing to
do. Our attitude to divorce parallels our attitude to the amputation of a limb
in several ways:
Divorce, like an amputation, is a tragedy, but sometimes it's the right thing to doIt is painful. When a limb becomes so diseased that it endangers the rest of the
body, the patient is faced with a horrible choice: to face the pain of
amputation, or risk worse suffering by leaving things as they are. If the future
risks are high enough to clearly outweigh the present pain, the right thing to
do is cut off the limb. Similarly, divorce is painful for all involved, but it
is the right choice when remaining in an unhealthy relationship will only cause
more damage, suffering and heartache.
It is a last resort. We do everything possible to avoid needing to amputate. If
there is a remote chance that the limb can be salvaged, even with great effort
and expense, it is worth a try. Only after exhausting all other possibilities
would we resort to amputation. Same with divorce--it is only considered after
counselling and sincere efforts to change prove fruitless.
It is not just a "Plan B". Amputation is not taken lightly. It is not seen as an
option if things don't work out. No one would recklessly experiment on their
body, saying ,"If anything happens to my limbs, I can always amputate."
Similarly, we don't enter marriage saying, "If things don't work out we can
always get a divorce." Divorce should not be a factor in the decision to get
married. Marriage is forever. There is no Plan B.
Prevention is better than a cure. Amputees can live a happy and fulfilled life.
They may be far better off after their operation than before. But if they could
live life over again, they wouldn't choose to go down that path a second time.
So too, divorce may sometimes lead to happiness, and true love and contentment
may come after the dissolution of a relationship. But if we can reach that point
without the pain of divorce, surely that would be preferable.
Often when a couple splits up, the question is not, "Why did they get
divorced?", but rather, "Why did they ever get married in the first place?"
In many cases, people are getting divorced for the right reasons, and married for the wrong
reasons. High divorce rates should not scare us away from getting married, but
rather strengthen our resolve to take marriage seriously, and ensure that we are
choosing our partners for the right reasons. What are the right reasons? That's
another question...
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Latest Comments:
I am not a Chabadnik, but love everything Chabad does, and Iove the Rebbe and everything he stood for, as evident from this website, that "I just happened" to see today, the very day my husband told me he wants a divorce. We have struggled all of our 9 years of marriage. We have tried so hard, counseling etc all 9 years of our marriage. Neither "wants" a divorce, certainly because of the children. I do love my husband still, even through the bad times. But we both live in such pain, and if this is what G-d wants, then we must accept His Will. On the other hand, I will still hope that divorce can be averted, I will still pray that we can get real help, I hope with perfect faith, but will accept G-d's will if it comes to divorce. G-d should help all bnei Israel.
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I am glad for you and consider yourself very very fortunate. However the Jewish world needs to know that in at least in North America battei din need to be held accountable to the community.
It is NOT a perception - it is reality and the stories would make the hair fall out of your sheitel. No wonder we are still in galus.
How can we expect more from arab terrorists when Jewish men and "prominent" rabbis aid and abet keep Jewish women hostage?
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I know there seems to be a negative perception out there, but i assure you i was treated with respect and sadness by the Beth Din. I was afforded all the respect I could have been and the rabbis could see the sadness but also the hopelessness of our situation. Dont judge what you dont understand. Thank heavens there is divorce as i have met a man who I can remarry happily and have learnt from my past mistakes. It has given me hope and for that I thank Hashem.............
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My wife left me a few hours ago. It is painfull. I am crying laudly. I tell you, there is no place in this world where you can even cry to the end of your strength - there are people around. I regret that I did my mistakes to be unpaitiant with my wife, abusive sometimes. She was a piece of cake too, but I treated her equal - It was my mistake. She couldn't suffer me anymore and she left. I know she was waiting for me for last three nights to reconcile as I always did but this time I was too stubborn. I regret it. There is no reason for divorce. In fact, if you put in writtings what is disagreement about - it will be radiculous.Women are emotional. Men should turn on thier brains first, every time when any disagrement happens. Ask yourself: Is my brain turn ON? She will get her get because it was her decision and she had a reason for that. Guilt? Yes. It is a deserved guilt.
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How hard I hear it is, to get, a ghet!
I do not belong to the religious Orthodox community, but I have heard some stories that are about cruelty and ostracism, as a woman is thrown, sometimes, out of the community, as if she, did something wrong. And yet, it seems, being Orthodox, does not prevent men from abusing women and that seems like a total oxymoron, meaning how then, to make sense of Orthodoxy not based on ethical principles, a "system" of action that deals principally with a male ethos and judgmental attitudes.
For me, hearing some of these stories, I feel it's really not comprehensible and it's really reprehensible.
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No one enters a marriage with the intention of divorcing -- it is sometimes necessary
What rabbis need to talk about more and more is Get refusal abuse. This perversion of Jewish law is almost epidemic and the skeleton in Jewish closet
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I absolutely am devastated, and destroyed by the divorce I had to endure.
We were married over 27 years. He left me, after the third meeting with our rabbi, who was trying to counsel us. The "Husband" did not have his heart in trying to help our marriage. He only wanted it to be disintegrated.
I suffer and am in pain every moment of every day. I pray and have faith in G-d. I have psychological therapy.
The marriage was ours, and we were supposed to stay together. A cult, and his family wanted us apart. The "Wasband" is weak and a follower. So he broke my heart in shattered pieces.
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People get married for many different reasons, and it is not always, a soul to soul event. Or it might seem this way, but in time, the two involved grow apart, and there can be as many point out, abusive relationships that are in themselves corrosive and injurious to one or both parties.
If all is Divine, then to divine the meaning behind relationships that do not work out, might be to look at individual stories, and how people grow and change.
If there is a learning curve that is part of divorce itself, then it's an individual soul search to see where that path then diverted from the main trunk and where it led, and to what branchings.
How hard, once a child is born, to any couple, not to feel, that child, was very much, meant to be, and that child's heritage could be a painful sensitivity wrought by the divorce, or something else that then impacts on others.
How a stone thrown into water creates ongoing ripples.
To repair what's broken could be first: to begin, again. Hope!
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When a divorce is eminent, the Collaborative Law Model protects the children from anything involving the courts. Since the parents are the ones making the decisions, no judge can tell you what to do with your children. Collaborative Divorce is client-driven and places the children in the most protective care. I have my clients bring pictures of their children to our meetings so that we always remember who to place first. Because there is a Mental Health Professional on the team, the process is ensured to be sensitive to everyone's feelings. We are trained to aid in the communication of emotionally-charged individuals. Divorce is sad; there is no doubt. However, it can be done in a way that most protect the children and your dignity.
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Chuck,
When a person is in a bad relationship, and the parents are terrible towards each other, than a divorce may save the children from a trauma that they should not experience. If a child see a parent abusing the other in anyway, they grow up thinking that this is ok, and that they can repeat it.
There are stupid divorces and good divorces (where it was the right decision). Each case needs to be merited on it's own case.
The child of a divorce needs to be made aware, that they are not the cause and the parents love them, regardless of the relationship. They also have to work with each other to give the child the best life possible.
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