Contact Us

He Lied to Me But Blames Me!

He Lied to Me But Blames Me!

 Email

Dear Rachel,

I did something very stupid. I have been dating a man for a long time. One night, I called him to go out with him and he said he was busy, but I felt he wasn’t telling theI felt he wasn’t telling the truth truth. So I asked a friend he doesn’t know to call him up. She said she was in town, and that his friend said that he was a good person to show her around. He agreed to meet her, but when he arrived at the appointed place, it was me there waiting for him. I wasn’t even angry. I smiled like it was good joke. He stalked off angry at having been tricked and hasn’t spoken to me since. What can I do?

Running After Love



Dear Running,

Stop, turn around and run quickly—in the opposite direction. You have been given an out from a very bad relationship, and you are lucky.

We all want love, and sometimes, we feel weWe all want love have to run after it. But we don’t. Forty days before a child is conceived, a Heavenly voice proclaims who his or her soulmate is destined to be (Talmud Bavli, Sanhedrin 22a). While you do have to make an effort to find him, you do not need to trick, beg, demand or manipulate.

Like it or not, this guy is abusive. He lied, cheated, showed no remorse and then was angry at you. And now he’s giving you the silent treatment. You didn’t do anything stupid at all; you simply revealed his negative nature.

You instinctively felt that this man was not being honest with you, and you wanted to test him. He wasn’t mad that you were being manipulative. He was mad that he was caught.

Judaism teaches that G‑d’s main occupation is arranging marriages (Bereishit Rabba 68:4). Is this the kind of match you think G‑d wants you to have? Someone who gets angry at you when he does something wrong? Someone you have to trick to spend time with? Someone who lies and cheats?

A soulmate isn’t someone you run after. It’s someone your soul recognizes as a dear friend you haven’t seen for a longTreat yourself with dignity time—someone who makes you smile and makes you want to be your best self, not someone who makes you cry and feel inferior. A soulmate is someone who recognizes the unique soul that you have and wants to attach himself to it. It’s someone who values you and treats you like the diamond you are.

Love yourself and treat yourself with dignity in order to attract a man who will do the same. Take some time off from relationships and spend it learning to like, love and appreciate yourself. Spend time with people who love you. Review your accomplishments, list your talents and think about the type of husband you want to spend the rest of your life with. Focus on the important qualities he should have: honesty, integrity, loyalty, gratitude, even-temperedness. Those are the qualities that make a good husband, a good soulmate.

May you walk to the chuppah with yours soon!

Rosally Saltsman is a freelance writer originally from Montreal living in Israel. Click here to email Rosally.
© Copyright, all rights reserved. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further, provided that you comply with Chabad.org's copyright policy.
 Email
Join the Discussion
Sort By:
49 Comments
1000 characters remaining
Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 5, 2017

The next article could be on Jewish dating and Shidduch. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 4, 2017

How can you form a relationship If you are not giving it a chance.
Having just made further comments on divorce and parental alienation, considered selfish as the emotional pain it causes. Relationships seem cheap, as the comments highlight. I would not wish to be going out with someone, until something better happened.
The problems with how we treat one another, causes so much pain.
I would expect in secular dating, if your not interested in someone, don't play games, name calling belongs in the playground. Adults enter into adult relationships. Reply

Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil Sacramento December 5, 2017
in response to Helen Dudden:

"The problems with how we treat one another, causes so much pain."

Yes, they do. This is one reason why I greatly favor shidduch dating.

Shidduch dating has emotional and physical boundaries that protect both parties. Also, one only dates if one is considering the other person for marriage, so one's intentions are known. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 5, 2017
in response to Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil:

I totally agree, let's be adult with relationships. Reply

Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil Sacramento December 6, 2017
in response to Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil:

Another thing about shidduch dating: The individuals are matched according to lifestyle, past, and families, thereby greatly multiplying the chances of marital success. Reply

Binyamin Aryeh Uchytil Sacramento December 6, 2017
in response to Helen Dudden:

Exactly! Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 4, 2017

Very strong words by the last post. We should expect some standards. All relationships start somewhere.
I know there is a difference in Jewish stardards. If these were the standards you could have been a divorce statistic very quickly.
The last post, should not be calling someone names. I find This offence. Reply

Binyamin Sacramento December 3, 2017

There are two possibilities. They are either 'dating' as per modern secular people do these days, or they are shidduch-dating.

1. If they involved in secular dating:

Read any classic, traditional, or modern book on etiquette and you will find that a single woman who is asked out for a date - whether by a stranger or her 'boyfriend' - is advised to answer that she is "busy" or has a "previous engagement" if she does not want to go out with him for any reason whatsoever.

These texts explicitly state that "busy" is not a lie, as "busy" could mean she is planning to wash her hair or watch TV.

How is it this young man is not permitted to employ the same etiquette technique?

For those of you who would say he is 'cheating' on her - wrong! They are not engaged. She has no claim on him.

2. If they are in involved in shidduch dating:

They are not engaged and so no agreement has been made to be exclusive. She has no hold on him. She is in the wrong. Reply

Mr. G USA December 1, 2017

False Advice Seeker Revenge Whistleblower The boyfriend said he was BUSY....because he made a distinct effort to AVOID her for that particular moment. Good golley Ms. Molly! It doesn't and shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure this young man out, now does it? She on the other hand MADE a distinctive effort to SHOW HIM a thing or two....because she somewhat FELT like he was being deceptive, aloof, or just plain angry/mad for being a human being and having to put up with life. Big deal! Who is SHE that HE should venerate her wishes and her "come hither'' attitude, when she's just a friend, a close friend, but not yet a wife! Give the poor guy a break! Paaaleeeeeeeze! Women think they are and should be given priority and extra special treatment when and whenever they make a decision to get it! What a waste of time that poor bloke must have to put up with that insensitive little witch, who thinks she OWNS HIM! Pathetic attitude this little female shows....and then has the audacity to complain and seek false advice. Reply

Anonymous December 3, 2017
in response to Mr. G:

TRUE! Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom December 4, 2017
in response to Mr. G:

I think you are being rude and the objective of debate is lost. Reply

Anonymous December 4, 2017
in response to Mr. G:

Mr. G, I wanted to be sure you saw that the writer of the letter started off on the right foot.when she said she realized she had made an error. She wrote: "I did something very stupid. I have been dating a man for a long time.. . "

I missed that my first reading. But after suspecting the writer might genuinely have been asking where she had gone wrong and after scrutinizing my own reaction to what the writer described, I became absolutely sure that my first post on this thread could and should have been kinder and gentler in its approach to setting out the points I wanted to make while defending the 'boyfriend' who was not here to speak for himself and explain his side of the story.

I will be more careful about that in the future. Reply

Anonymous Woodland Hills November 30, 2017

The operative word is" boyfriend". "Boyfriend" implies an exclusive relationship. Perhaps this man gave her reason to doubt his sincerity before, which led her to this crazy behavior of entrapment. They're both at fault, and they are not right for each other. When you find your true mate, everything should be relaxed and easy without pretentiousness or worry. Reply

Anonymous December 4, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

B”H

To me, “boyfriend” implies a non-permanent, pre-marital, romantic, sexual relationship that Chabad would not recommend.

I hope visitors to this website, while they feel welcome to read, learn and communicate with others, will take time to learn what Chabad stands for and what our Rebbe and the Rebbes before him taught about how precious our chastity is. I am concerned and feel Chabad is disrespected when I read posts on this site casually stating that boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are exclusive and acceptable relationships equal to betrothal. A visitor stopping by might think Chabad stands for that, G_D forbid. Instead, people who come to Chabad seeking G-d centered counsel should be reminded (1) men and women (with few exceptions) should not be alone together; (2) complete chastity until marriage, and (3) observe laws of purity. We should explain how these ways of Yiddishkeit provide the best chance of forming the quality relationships everyone says they want. G_D guide us. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 30, 2017

The relationship was not one made in heaven. If you want marriage in the Jewish tradition with commitment and respect, look for those qualities. It's pretty obvious that's not here in the article.
I write on divorce and child access, I would rather see a relationship start in a good place, I know how upsetting a failed relationship is to all concerned. Reply

Linda Evans Auburn Wa November 30, 2017

This response to Running After Love, is perfectly non judgemental about the woman who it involves. People are lousy judges, and it sure isn't relevant when she is asking for advice.
What is the benefit in bringing up mud instead of looking for gold? Reply

Kathy November 29, 2017

Why did she fell she didn't feel trust her boyfriend? Was there something that happened between them that gave her bad vibes? But for her to actually go as far as creating a situation to draw him out, to see if he would go out with someone else, is also somewhat subversive dishonest. He does have a right to say he's not feeling up to going out. And if he really didn't feel like going out, then that's what he should have answered to the call about taking another girl out to show her around. She probably should have given him the benefit of the doubt, unless she already had reasons to suspect he was seeing someone else. Reply

Anonymous CT November 29, 2017

We don't know enough details.
I might put showing hospitality to a traveler, fulfilling a promise made by my friend, over alphabetizing my spices, or binge-watching TV, or whatever it was I would rather have done than hang out with my girlfriend that night. On that basis alone the boyfriend was abusive or deceptive. (Why I wanted to alphabetize my spices instead of going shoe-shopping with her in the first place is a different question.) Reply

Anonymous CT November 29, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

on that basis was NOT ... Reply

A J Anyaegbunam Enugu, South Eastern Nigeria November 29, 2017

I agree completely with the answer given to the lady's question. A man that treats her this way doesn't love and respect her. She should go and seek love elsewhere otherwise her current boy friend will make her regret her choice later on. It is the height of perfidy for a man to keep a lady he dislikes waiting for him. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 29, 2017

I think she felt unsure. If a relationship is healthy and caring, you will trust. It's also easy, to blame someone else for your own weakness.
There is no need to be blamed and put down by someone for whatever the reason.
May you find the person who cares for you, that someone special, who is honest with you and sincere. Reply

Andrea Weinberg November 29, 2017

I thought I was dating my soulmate. NOT! When I finally met the right one, it was a breath of fresh air and comfy cozy every minute. There's no games, no questioning, no discomfort required in a real relationship. BTW, together about 30 years now. Listen to the author of this article and you will find the right one meant just for you. Reply

Bruce November 29, 2017

Great answer! Reply

Anonymous Israel November 29, 2017

Um what she did was pretty disrespectful to her boyfriend. He has a right to set his own boundaries. She violated this. Im disappointed with this chabad.org answer. Imagine the roles were reversed and a boy did this to a girl? Its unacceptable behaviour. HE should run while he can and as fast as possible. Men also deserve respect. What she did was indignified and selfish. Reply

howard london November 30, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Very well.answerd
To meet a other young women he has time and his Gf not ?? Reply

Anonymous Sacramento December 3, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Agreed! Reply

Linda Evans Auburn Wa November 28, 2017

Wonderful and inspiring, thank you! Reply

Binyamin Sacramento November 27, 2017

Even in shidduch dating, one is permitted to date others without excuse or explanation until betrothed.

Unless they were betrothed, his man did nothing wrong. Reply

Kathy November 29, 2017
in response to Binyamin:

Technically, when you call someone your boyfriend and he calls you his girlfriend, that usually means you are dating only eachother. There is still an element of relationship exclusivity. Even though the is no official marriage betrothal. Reply

Non December 4, 2017
in response to Kathy:

Not anymore Reply

Anonymous November 26, 2017

She owes him a heartfelt apology. The writer says this man was a boyfriend, not her betrothed - not her husband. She does not spell out the rules of their relationship. She admits she asked him to go out that night and he said he "was busy." He did not claim to be sick or out of town. She does not tell us what he said he was busy doing that evening. Did he lie to her? I do not see any lie. Why is HE upset? Because SHE demeaned, humiliated and castrated him in his friend's eyes and manipulated the other female, too. It is deeper than tricking him. Her need to be right, to know his every move and control him ruined any friendship there might have been. She was going to force him to see her that night no matter what he wanted. Perhaps she lured him out when he really planned to do something else, wasting his time and energy! He is the lucky one to get to see her in action! Let her apologize, then leave him alone and never test anyone like this again. Do not do unto others..... Reply

Anonymous November 26, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

you are dead wrong, and you are the same kind of person who shifts the blame onto the victim. I would not date you and with your attitude, neither should anyone else Reply

Anonymous Tel Aviv November 27, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Always there are two sides of a coin, and that's just another case. Both parties were wrong, nobody wants to be tested or exposed, however, he got her trust shaken, and it all happened. Perhaps she shouldn't have tested him out ... but her gut feelings guided her action, I mean, she felt he could be lying. After all, if he was busy to hang out with his own girlfriend, why he would bother to leave what he was doing to meet another person? Doesn't it sound strange? Can we count it as a lie? It's not about a need to be right on her part, but to reassure his trust in him, which was clearly broken. Better forgive, forget and move on. And of course, wait for someone who is worth trusting and do not leave you insecure enough to act as she did. Reply

Ransom Place Greenwich CT November 27, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Your good point about entrapmenbt is well taken if they weren't in a steady relationship. Then, as you said, she has no hold on him. If they were going steady and he was "too busy" for her but not so occupied that he could spend time with another, perhaps it was G-d's way of helping them both to move on. Reply

Anonymous November 27, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

I disagree with your comment.
The boyfriend lied.
She caught him in his lie.
Shame on him.
He is the one to apologize to her.
Period.
She is taking care of herself by confronting him in his lie.
She is right to walk away from this no-goodnik of a man and figure out why she was attracted to him in the first place. Once she figures this out, then, and only then, will she be ready to meet her bashert. Reply

Anonymous Auburn Wa November 28, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

She owes him the sight of her retreating back. The woman who posted this was looking for advise, not abuse. This reply is abusive, and no one deserves that, from anyone. Reply

Helen Dudden United Kingdom November 29, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

As my comments, it takes both you trying hard in a relationship. Reply

Regina Ratner Los Angeles November 29, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Wow, you could not be more wrong. He lied to her that he was busy. He was not too busy to meet another woman behind her back. Maybe what she did was not nice, but what he did was downright immoral, unethical and certainly not boyfriend like. She dodged a bullet with that one and the only reason she did was because she tested him and found out his true colors. Defending his behavior is defending abuse. Reply

andrew November 29, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

i agree. if g-d is in charge , she used manipulation to control what was ought not be done in my opinion. Maybe he did not want to see her that night but lied in order not to hurt her feelings but she set him up .Manipulation is a low less than spiritual part of a human that should not be used in dealing with feelings. she used the part of his soul that is not his head or heart but someplace lower down in the physical male part that some says has a brain of it's own., understand, men don,t think good in that area. Maybe he was going to break up with her the next day anyway but she saved him by saving him the trouble of breaking it off. god if they stuck it out where would her manipulations stop. she was self centered and thought for herself only and needs spiritual help , Only life and time will she may get past this behavior. no rabbi it seems can help people with personality flaws and people must seek out their short comings on their own . this is working on self improvement. Reply

Linda Evans Auburn Wa November 28, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Right! It may even be him that replied it sounds so much like him. Reply

anonymous November 27, 2017
in response to Ransom Place:

On these facts a judge would not find he lied - but, her, maybe. Hi Ransom Place. So, what is “going steady” or “dating” or “being in a romantic girlfriend or boyfriend relationship” in Orthodox Judaism? Is that not what we call betrothal? Perhaps those more casual types of relationshipss exist in a more relaxed Judaism than Chabad represents. A close reading shows he agreed to meet the woman she arranged to have call him with the invented story. All he did was change his plans to do something kind for her friend which would reflect well on this so-called girlfriend. Does she think he planned to seduce her friend? Maybe she thinks he should have reported his new plans to her? More control, huh? Would she like it if he did this to her? Probably not. But if she does not see her error; that she could have acted better; and on her facts he actually did not lie, then the experience is wasted. She wrote to Chabad saying she did something stupid. So, let us measure her case and our advice by the ruler of Torah, not by what the world finds acceptable. Reply

Linda Evans Auburn Wa November 30, 2017
in response to anonymous:

Dating isn't part of betrothal, but since she was seeking advice relating to where she was at the time, it was given in kind. Her situation is not up for judgement by the Torah, and you gave your opinion in large measures, and then used the Torah to give your opinion credibility. Since this situation has nothing to do with Chabad Judaism betrothal situations I wonder why you comment on her behavior and call it stupid, since you could have just left it alone. He did lie, she caught him in a very clever manner, and he was angry with her. Much like you are in the statement above. Reply

0 0 November 28, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

There's no opologizing, becouse nobody is going to forgive. All their is, is what to acknowlage. Reply

Anonymous Auburn Wa November 28, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Agreed Reply

Patricia Florida November 29, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

Disagree with advice I differ with Ms. Saltsman's take and advice. I would have hoped for more substantive than run.

Running begins her letter to you with, “I did something very stupid….” I agree. Instead of sitting down with her boyfriend to tell him she believed he had lied to her (the mature thing to do), she chose to play an adolescent game, which was deceitful and demeaning. The boyfriend was justifiably angry at being tricked.

The devious phone call was after the boyfriend said he was busy. That could have been anything from relaxing with a book to making phone calls to an evening with friends. He was under no obligation to tell her what busy meant. The fake caller said a friend of his had referred her to him. In deference to the friendship, which he likely valued, he put aside his plans to be kind to the caller.

Now. Isn't that a possible scenario?

The insult to the boyfriend could not be lessened by pretending was a “good joke.” It wasn’t, and he saw through it.

He wisely walked away. Reply

NON December 4, 2017
in response to Patricia:

So why did he say yes for another girl? Reply

Patricia Florida December 5, 2017
in response to NON:

NON, thanks for your reply. We don't know why he said yes, which is a key piece of information. In my post, I suggested that there can be many explanations for his action other than lying and 'cheating' on his girlfriend. I think it's unfair to castigate the boyfriend without knowing his reason for meeting his girlfriend's friend. Equally important, he was under no obligation to tell his girlfriend what he was going to be busy doing.

I think she was wrong to trick him, and he was understandably upset. Jealousy is not an attribute nor a compliment and can poison a relationship. Reply

Anonymous Michigan November 1, 2017

What a beautiful answer to the boyfriend question. Perfect. Reply

Anonymous uk November 29, 2017
in response to Anonymous:

she's dodged a metaphorical bullet.. he shouldn't be lying and he shouldn't be meeting other women... and if it was 'innocent' ; he could have told her.. or at least not got angry when it was her.. not a keeper.. and God's law's still stand.. so no one should be sexual immoral, drunkards.. or adulterers; hell is not only for murderers.. Reply