Honor My Mother?! - Joys and Challenges

Question:

I know that the Ten Commandments require us to respect our parents. But not all parents are worthy of respect. I am disgusted by the things my mother has done. She is old now and needs me, but there is nothing in her life that deserves respect. How can I respect my mother without losing my dignity?

Answer:

Respecting your mother doesn't mean that you think she is all good. But surely she can't be all bad. Surely you can think of some redeeming feature, something good your mother has done. There must be something for which you can say that she is a worthwhile person. Can't you think of one good thing she has achieved?

I can. You.

Respect for parents is a base for self-respect

Like it or not, you are a product of your parents. No matter how different you are from them, no matter how far you go to avoid repeating their mistakes, you will never be able to change the simple fact that they are your parents. Whether they were good parents or horrible parents, whether they built you up or put you down, they are where you come from.

Your mother brought you into the world. If you honestly think your mother is all bad, without a good bone in her body, then on some level you will see yourself as another one of her failures. Your existence stems from her. Respect for parents is a base for self-respect.

The fact that she mothered a child who has a clear sense of right and wrong, and is aware of her wrongdoing, means she must not be all bad. She may not get the credit for your moral sensitivity, but she does get some credit for your existence. If nothing else, you can at least respect her for that. Far from compromising your dignity, respecting your mother forms the basis for your dignity, because she, along with your father and G-d, was a partner in your birth.

Respect does not mean accepting her failings or excusing her misdeeds. It means that if your mother needs help, you should be there for her. When she speaks, you need not agree, but you must listen respectfully. You have to treat her as a mother. Failing that, your self-respect has shaky foundations.

You don't have to respect the life your mother has led. But, for your own sake, you do have to respect that she is your mother.

By Aron Moss

Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

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May 27, 2012

Wicked parents

A recent TV doc looked at the children and grandchildren of Nazi leaders.
Only the son of Frank the butcher of Poland
said that for 30 years he had researched and written about his father- hoping to find a tiny spark of goodness in him - he failed

Does the Commandment apply to the children of monsters. Surely not

Aubrey J
London, uk

March 25, 2012

Reading your troubles my first expr was "Oh my ...!" Your stories does not hide away any imperfection!

The Bible does not hide away imperfection either. Ex: All the early leaders of the people did not behave just and good (See "jugdes").

Me thinking: If the bible had told that all the jewish leaders were perfect, would we have believed in it? And if we had believed that, would we then have worshipped the leaders instead of the One Creator?

Looks like some individuals get their lifes spes challenged under leaders/ parents that are no good. So what to do? Should you smash leaders false gods, but still be able to obey them in other areas of life? Or maybe keep distance, but support them materialisticly when become elderly? Personally in worst cases, I would have had to keep my distance, but tryed to force myself to thank G-d for them and bless them in my private prayers (until easy), from this I could be healed and by grace G-d might change the whole situation. Ezekiel 18:23

Anonymous
Oslo, norway

March 15, 2012

Judge not so that thou also shall not be judged

Children have no reason to judge the mistakes of their parents,; a mother who labored to care for them and support them, suffered for them and may have errored due to the cross of single parenthood. It is not ok for a daughter to go out and mess up her life and then create more problems for the mother. If that daughter thinks she is justified; she is in for a great and hard fall from her selfappointed position of judgment. G-d will judge the mother according to all of the mother's life circumstances and whether not she gave her life over to the Lord and made serious changes so as not to negatively affect the daughter. If the daughter wants to continue to hold a grudge out of her excuses to be in error herself or to do what she wants then use the mother as an excuse for her actions, then the daughter is in worse spiritual shape than the mother. It is also extremely sinful when the daughter provokes, defiles, or humiliates the mother. The daughter's "attitudes" are sinful and bad excuses

Rachel MakGlamrothe
pontre vedre, florida

November 4, 2011

It's not OK to call people names if you want to have a good relationship with them. Each individual is made in the image of G-d, and calling people names is diminishing them.

It seems like you are hurt at your daughter's distance. I imagine she is also hurt at being called a name. Judaism gives us a way to repair relationships with others, G-d, and ourselves- teshuva. It's not too late to begin to build a better relationship with your daughter.

Anonymous
Charlotte, North Carolina

November 4, 2011

Cheryl, who says you are allowed to..

Call her a name. Because your own mother did it to you, so you can do it to you daughter? You can get together with your daughter again if you apologize, but somehow I get the feeling you won't do that because you feel you are justified. Is that correct?Thanks for coming onto this site. You will get lots of good advice here.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

November 2, 2011

This is BEAUTIFUL

I have an issue with my daughter. She has lost all respect for me. Hasn't talked to me in months. She skipped christmas with us and just recently ignored me on my birthday. All this bcuz i called her a name. She is 26 and i am allowed to call her a name. The answer to this question says it all. It's just BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!

Cheryl Rust
Lima, Ohio

September 11, 2011

Anon in Australia, believe it or not,

It sounds as if your mom, with her twisted way of thinking and feeling and mental projections, was trying to make you feel better about your present situation. She figures if you can't have children then not only accept it but be glad for it, In her mind, this would make sense. Particularly since it sounds as if she was VERY sorry she had children. My mom, also, told me she wished I were dead and she never had kids. So, yes, I do understand your hurt. Believe me, I do. Forgive? I suppose compassion for her was more important. She lived life without having love or knowing it

Anonymous
Riverside, CA

September 6, 2011

I have the utmost respect for women who are writing regarding their mothers failures, I too have walked that road for most of my adult life only as had what I thought was a loving mother, I have struggled since the age of 22 witn my inability to bear children and now am too old. as 61 now, I was on the IVF programme from the age of 23 to 47, I was very fertile but was unable to carry my eggs to the uterous as when young was sterilised having my appendix out. My mother had never supported me to have a child, in any way at all. and the part that really hurt was last week she said to me , after 24 yrs of dissapointmentment regarding IVF, and having many operations, and finally 2 divorces. She said to me regarding children today, "aren't you glad you never had children?"and I nearly fell off the chair while on the phone, she said, and at least I don't have to look after the kids. I still love my mother and find it very hard to forgive her for many unkind words.

Anonymous
Brisbane, Qld, Australia

August 28, 2011

In the very beginning of a baby's life,

The baby sees Mom and Dad being in the position of being G-d until the child is old enough to understand it is not his mom and dad who ultimately take care of him. This is a very precious trust issue, and when parents abuse their children they actually are abusing G-d Himself. They will be held accountable in the day of judgement, and also in this life, they will reap the consequences of being hateful and mean. You may not see their punishments, but they will feel it. You have to believe. It is so important.

Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA, USA

August 27, 2011

from a formerly abusive mother

My daughter is a good person not because of me but despite me.I would like to say I was a great mom but I wasnt and so I put her into foster care.
I would like to say I know good from bad because of my parents but that isnt true either. I know this because I did the studying and research and became a better person.
My girl is now an adult and through decades of therapy and medication we are able to have a relationship. I dont always like what she does nor she me but we respect each other as individuals.
G-d bless all who are still suffering at the hand of an abusive parent. It is more honorable to make them accountable for that abuse than to enable it. May you begin to see this truth.

Anonymous
Boise, Idaho

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