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Chabad.org » The Jewish Woman » Childrearing » Joys and Challenges » Honor My Mother?!
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Honor My Mother?!


Question:

I know that the Ten Commandments require us to respect our parents. But not all parents are worthy of respect. I am disgusted by the things my mother has done. She is old now and needs me, but there is nothing in her life that deserves respect. How can I respect my mother without losing my dignity?

Answer:

Respecting your mother doesn't mean that you think she is all good. But surely she can't be all bad. Surely you can think of some redeeming feature, something good your mother has done. There must be something for which you can say that she is a worthwhile person. Can't you think of one good thing she has achieved?

I can. You.

Respect for parents is a base for self-respect

Like it or not, you are a product of your parents. No matter how different you are from them, no matter how far you go to avoid repeating their mistakes, you will never be able to change the simple fact that they are your parents. Whether they were good parents or horrible parents, whether they built you up or put you down, they are where you come from.

Your mother brought you into the world. If you honestly think your mother is all bad, without a good bone in her body, then on some level you will see yourself as another one of her failures. Your existence stems from her. Respect for parents is a base for self-respect.

The fact that she mothered a child who has a clear sense of right and wrong, and is aware of her wrongdoing, means she must not be all bad. She may not get the credit for your moral sensitivity, but she does get some credit for your existence. If nothing else, you can at least respect her for that. Far from compromising your dignity, respecting your mother forms the basis for your dignity, because she, along with your father and G-d, was a partner in your birth.

Respect does not mean accepting her failings or excusing her misdeeds. It means that if your mother needs help, you should be there for her. When she speaks, you need not agree, but you must listen respectfully. You have to treat her as a mother. Failing that, your self-respect has shaky foundations.

You don't have to respect the life your mother has led. But, for your own sake, you do have to respect that she is your mother.

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By Aron Moss   More articles...  |   RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author
Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia, and is a frequent contributor to Chabad.org.

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Reader Comments
Latest Comments:
Posted: Nov 4, 2011
It's not OK to call people names if you want to have a good relationship with them. Each individual is made in the image of G-d, and calling people names is diminishing them.

It seems like you are hurt at your daughter's distance. I imagine she is also hurt at being called a name. Judaism gives us a way to repair relationships with others, G-d, and ourselves- teshuva. It's not too late to begin to build a better relationship with your daughter.
Posted By Anonymous, Charlotte, North Carolina

Posted: Nov 4, 2011
Cheryl, who says you are allowed to..
Call her a name. Because your own mother did it to you, so you can do it to you daughter? You can get together with your daughter again if you apologize, but somehow I get the feeling you won't do that because you feel you are justified. Is that correct?Thanks for coming onto this site. You will get lots of good advice here.
Posted By Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell, Riverside, CA, USA

Posted: Nov 2, 2011
This is BEAUTIFUL
I have an issue with my daughter. She has lost all respect for me. Hasn't talked to me in months. She skipped christmas with us and just recently ignored me on my birthday. All this bcuz i called her a name. She is 26 and i am allowed to call her a name. The answer to this question says it all. It's just BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!
Posted By Cheryl Rust, Lima, Ohio

Posted: Sep 11, 2011
Anon in Australia, believe it or not,
It sounds as if your mom, with her twisted way of thinking and feeling and mental projections, was trying to make you feel better about your present situation. She figures if you can't have children then not only accept it but be glad for it, In her mind, this would make sense. Particularly since it sounds as if she was VERY sorry she had children. My mom, also, told me she wished I were dead and she never had kids. So, yes, I do understand your hurt. Believe me, I do. Forgive? I suppose compassion for her was more important. She lived life without having love or knowing it
Posted By Anonymous, Riverside, CA

Posted: Sep 6, 2011
I have the utmost respect for women who are writing regarding their mothers failures, I too have walked that road for most of my adult life only as had what I thought was a loving mother, I have struggled since the age of 22 witn my inability to bear children and now am too old. as 61 now, I was on the IVF programme from the age of 23 to 47, I was very fertile but was unable to carry my eggs to the uterous as when young was sterilised having my appendix out. My mother had never supported me to have a child, in any way at all. and the part that really hurt was last week she said to me , after 24 yrs of dissapointmentment regarding IVF, and having many operations, and finally 2 divorces. She said to me regarding children today, "aren't you glad you never had children?"and I nearly fell off the chair while on the phone, she said, and at least I don't have to look after the kids. I still love my mother and find it very hard to forgive her for many unkind words.
Posted By Anonymous, Brisbane, Qld, Australia

Posted: Aug 28, 2011
In the very beginning of a baby's life,
The baby sees Mom and Dad being in the position of being G-d until the child is old enough to understand it is not his mom and dad who ultimately take care of him. This is a very precious trust issue, and when parents abuse their children they actually are abusing G-d Himself. They will be held accountable in the day of judgement, and also in this life, they will reap the consequences of being hateful and mean. You may not see their punishments, but they will feel it. You have to believe. It is so important.
Posted By Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell, Riverside, CA, USA

Posted: Aug 27, 2011
from a formerly abusive mother
My daughter is a good person not because of me but despite me.I would like to say I was a great mom but I wasnt and so I put her into foster care.
I would like to say I know good from bad because of my parents but that isnt true either. I know this because I did the studying and research and became a better person.
My girl is now an adult and through decades of therapy and medication we are able to have a relationship. I dont always like what she does nor she me but we respect each other as individuals.
G-d bless all who are still suffering at the hand of an abusive parent. It is more honorable to make them accountable for that abuse than to enable it. May you begin to see this truth.
Posted By Anonymous, Boise, Idaho

Posted: May 12, 2011
Karen Joyce Chaya Fradie
He doesnt stop me lighting but I take the candles with me. As I light he does act like a spoilt child now I think about it so I will try what you suggested. Many thanks for taking the time to post :)

Good Shabbos from Melbourne :)
Posted By Anonymous, Melbourne

Posted: May 11, 2011
Anon in Melbourne...
Your dad LET you light the candles? There were CANDLES and candlestick holders in HIS house? My gut feeling is that he is acting like a little child and trying to get attention from you. Hmmm. Here is something you can try, and see if it works. Before you light candles, spend quality time with your dad and SHMOOZE him, buttering him up on how special he is and how wonderful, how much you appreciate him (name some specific things he had done in the past that were very good), and then ask him if it would be ok with him if you lit the candles and prayed EVEN THOUGH he doesn't believe in it or participate. Tell him there is a SPECIAL part of the prayer where you will THANK GO-D for him and ask G-d to bless him to have good health and happiness. If I am right about his wanting attention, this would solve the problem. Well, try it and get back to us on if it works or not. What could be the harm?
Posted By Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell, Riverside, CA, USA

Posted: May 10, 2011
Not likely
I've just gotten home from visiting my parents. My father is a hateful man, always has been always will be but now he has dementia BUT not severe enough to say his poor behaviour is the result of it. I'm a BT yet my parents are anti-semitic to the point my father did the duck walk whatever hitlers troops did as I lit candles this last Shabbos. How can I honor a father that has no respect for HaShem?. I cant and I wont not ever. HaShem is the only father I have, want or need
Posted By Anonymous, Melbourne



 


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