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Parenting a Child with ADHD

Parenting a Child with ADHD


Most children are excited about school. But for my eight-year-old daughter, school presents serious challenges. The odds are heavily stacked against her. I can see and feel her apprehension as she checks her supplies one last time. She climbs onto my lap in need of extra reassurance. As she presses herself against me, I stroke her freshly washed hair, and softly tell her over and over again how much I love her. That she will do it. That she will succeed. In her own unique way.

On her forehead there is an invisible label which reads: “ADHD.” This word entered my life and became part of my vocabulary nine months ago, in a doctor’s office. Looking back, I realize that by the age of two years it had become quite evident that she was more active and more difficult to manage than the average child. However it didn’t occur to me at that time that anything was actually wrong. I guess I chalked it up to personality.

It didn’t occur to me at that time that anything was actually wrongI do remember that I was busy with her from the moment she awoke until she closed her eyes. In order to deal with her hyperactivity and her ability to destroy the house (literally), I practically moved into the park, which was, thankfully, around the corner from my apartment. I guess I could have won the Guinness world record for “mother that sits most in the park”! I sat there for practically seven years! It was either playgroup/school, or park. Rain or shine, there we were.

In the winter, I would bundle us both up with layers of clothes. In the rain, we wore rubber boots and plastic raincoats. In the summer, we wore sunscreen! I was equipped. I would wrap up supper for two and bring it to the park. The park table didn’t have a tablecloth she could pull off! The park didn’t have walls to climb on, cabinets or dressers to unpack, or beds to jump on. It had slides, monkey bars and swings, and plenty of grass to run on. Exactly what she needed! And that is how I managed. I am a solution-oriented person, so for me this was the solution.

Unfortunately, it didn’t solve her academic problems and the social and emotional issues that came along with the territory. Our finances also suffered, as my plans to “return to work after the baby gets big enough” never materialized. She was a full-time job in herself. That left us to manage on my husband’s modest salary.

One day, in the middle of her first-grade school year, I received a phone call from her school informing me that a meeting had been scheduled and I was expected to be there. In the back of my mind, I knew that the time to face the obstacles had come. So there I sat on a metal folding chair (my husband was unable to take off from work to attend), looking across a scratched metal desk, at the school principal and the assistant principal and her teachers! Although they were very polite and genuinely concerned for my daughter’s wellbeing, I felt like a sheep against the wolves. They did not bite my head off as I expected, but they did say that my child was falling behind in her studies, both English and Hebrew, and that she is very disruptive in class. Further details included getting up when she feels like it, doesn’t follow instructions, blurts out answers without being called on . . . As if that wasn’t enough, they informed me that she was a “disaster” socially. They instructed me to take her to a psychiatrist, to have her evaluated and treated as needed.

I wasted no time in getting this matter under control. I made lots of phone calls and did extensive research trying to find the most competent psychiatrist. When my daughter was finally diagnosed, I had mixed emotions. I was relieved to know that a heretofore incomprehensible situation was at least making some sense. I also felt that a problem that has a name can also have a solution. However, at the same time, I felt overwhelmed and isolated. I was concerned that this diagnosis could become a label which would be used to judge and condemn my daughter. I wondered how she would manage to make it through school and in the world at large.

I had no support from my husband, who was in denial, and kept on insisting that ADHD is not a real disorder. “What she needs,” he insisted, “is an iron hand!” He, like many parents, had difficulty coming to terms with the fact that his child was not like everyone else.

I had no support from my husband, who was in denial, and kept on insisting that ADHD is not a real disorderHaving a longstanding aversion to any kind of medication, for me to accept the fact that my child might need stimulants in order to enable her to function in school was not easy. (By the way, I am sure that many of you are wondering why an overactive child needs stimulants. My daughter and her ADHD counterparts seem to be the proud owners of brains that have underdeveloped attention spans. Ritalin targets this part of the brain, and assists in improving concentration and focus.) After much research, I was ready to comply with her doctor’s recommendations, and she began taking a fairly low dosage. Although she had some side effects at first, such as trouble falling asleep and a decrease in appetite, with time these symptoms diminished entirely, and I must confess that it has made a huge difference in both our lives.

Things settled into what could be considered a routine. Surprisingly, the semi-respite gave me time to stop and think (a luxury which I had not had for a long time), and I realized that underneath my relief was a strong feeling of loss and disappointment. Unconsciously, I had envisioned a child who, like me, would be a star student and a social butterfly.

Wave after wave of anger and self-pity washed over me. Why was I elected to deal with this problem? Why did my daughter, my innocent child, have to struggle with this disability? Why couldn’t my husband be more supportive? Why couldn’t outsiders be more compassionate and understanding when she acted up? 

These questions lingered in my mind as I went through the motions of living. One evening, after a typically exhausting day, I sank onto the couch, leaned back my head and closed my eyes. A few seconds later (that’s how it felt to me, but it might have been longer), I opened my eyes, ready to finish up the evening routine, and saw my daughter standing quietly next to me. I was more than a little bit surprised, since I couldn’t recall ever seeing her standing still. She looked at me with an adult-like seriousness, and asked, “Mommy, do you love me?” I felt my mouth drop open and my throat tighten. I reached out, pulled her on my lap and held her tightly. “Of course I do!” I whispered. “I love you very much!”

After she had fallen asleep and I was washing up in the kitchen, I thought about what had just happened. I had been taking care of business and doing what needed to be done, but I had not been taking care of myself. I had not been nourishing myself physically, emotionally and spiritually, and that had resulted in feelings of resentment, which my daughter had obviously sensed. I began paying attention to my eating habits, by cutting out the junk foods, and including vitamin-rich foods and extra supplements in my diet. I joined a dance/exercise group. I also added a whole range of “spiritual vitamins and exercises” which I would like to share with you.

The first one, of course, is Vitamin A—Acceptance. I learned to accept my life as is.
The second vitamin is Vitamin B—Belief. I believe that nothing happens by chance. Everything is part of a master plan orchestrated by a loving G‑d, and both our gifts and our struggles are tailor-made to guide us toward spiritual growth and development.
Vitamin C is Courage. I have the courage to move on despite uncertainties and fears.
Vitamin D stands for Determination. I am determined to overcome my weaknesses and become G‑d-centered instead of me-centered.
Vitamin F? You guessed it—Faith. I reaffirm daily that G‑d accompanies us and supports us every step of the way.
Vitamin G is Gratitude. When I actively look for things to be grateful for, I am pleasantly surprised. Wherever I look, I see blessings. I notice the times my daughter does well and is manageable. I have begun to say “thank you” to G‑d for the miracle of life. I have begun to smile.
Vitamin H—Humor. I can’t stress enough the importance of finding the funny bone in ourselves and our lives, and tickling it. I am beginning to respond with amusement rather than frustration. I am beginning to lighten up. There is so much to laugh about.
And last, but not least, is vitamin P—Prayer, which, as far as I’m concerned, is much more effective than Prozac. As I recite Psalm 121, “I lift my eyes to heaven, from where will my help come?” my questions dissolve. “My help will come from G‑d! The One who created heaven and earth.”

I am her social worker, and she is my one and only clientWe sit together on the front stoop and review the contents of her backpack, making sure that nothing is missing. The big yellow school bus pulls up, and the door unfolds. My daughter jumps up, her blond hair curling around her face in a halo of disarray. She glances back at me, and in that split second, the look in her eyes tells me what is in her heart and mind. She knows that from me she will always receive unconditional love. As she mounts the bus steps, I know that she will have the coping skills needed to march through the day. If there is something that she cannot handle, she will report back to me and receive validation and support. I cannot always rescue her. I cannot always solve her problems. But I can provide a sympathetic ear and, when she is ready, discuss ways in which she can handle the issue. In situations which escalate, I can intervene and advocate for her. I am her social worker, and she is my one and only client.

The school bus rumbles down the street, and my upstairs neighbor comes down to meet me with her two-month-old baby and a bag full of supplies. She is very glad to get out of the house for a few hours, and considers me the ideal babysitter. My neighbor hurries off to her uncle’s sweet shop, where she will decorate gift baskets and socialize. She is more than happy to split her paycheck with me, giving her a little pocket money and me the extra income needed to get through the month. I hold my tiny neighbor in my arms and he smiles up at me. After I feed and change him, he will keep me company while I do the housework. His placid demeanor never ceases to amaze me. By the time my daughter comes home from school, I will be ready to take her to the park, where we will eat supper and do some homework.

My life has not turned out as pictured or planned, and that is fine with me. Instead of a pampered princess, I am becoming a courageous heroine. My daughter looks up at me, and trust and admiration are reflected in her eyes. Our journey is far from over, but we both are learning to enjoy the ride.

By Anonymous
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M.P. Geulah July 26, 2016

I know what its like to raise a child with ADHD and behavioral problems. I know how hard it is. I appreciate the effort that every parent takes to help their children. But I dont believe that drugs are the answer. I raised 2 kids with ADHD and behavioral issues. It took years to for them to change- eventually we had to do homeschooling, we hired private teachers to teach them Torah. Eventually the power of the Torah reached them. In the end of the day now that one of them is happily married I can say the efforts paid off and their struggles ended up making them stronger. We didn't cave in to the teachers or schools and we didn't drug them. Its just about patience perseverance and diet change- no more sugar- white flour, dairy, trans fats. The modern diet is making our children sick mentally and physically.
I wrote a book about my experiences in the hope to inspire others.
I firmly believe that our efforts make a difference to the future of our kids. Reply

Anonymous September 7, 2017
in response to M.P. Geulah:

What is the name of your book? Is it available on kindle or how can I gt hold of it? Reply

Anonymous Virginia February 23, 2015

ADD/ADHD people are smart and amazing! I am a 33 year old woman who has a Masters in Special Education which I was inspired to obtain due to my own experiences in school. I have ADD and other learning disabilities, and although I was not diagnosed until the age of 13, my parents always knew something was not right. Through hard work and support from my teachers and family, I was able to succeed in school and find the right tools that worked for me. In college I really learned about myself and how to study through an incredible academic center. I had also received various therapy and support prior as well. What I know for certain is that folks with disabilities such as ADD and ADHD and others as well are very smart, and while we may march to our own drumb at times we provide much to the world. We rock! :) Reply

Hadassa NY September 28, 2014

In addition to what I said before. I think that Hashem specifically chooses certain people to have certain things. Hashem wires everybody's brains' differently. ADHD is a category for a type of brain. It's not a mental disorder or problem (despite what the dsm thinks), it's a mental difference. Reply

desert voice Cracow, Poland September 24, 2014

People for reasons only known to God are sometimes born different, yes, with very special souls! As I said, I suspect that I had ADHD since I was born. There no such diagnoses in those days. I lived on the Ghetto grounds before the Ghetto was set up in Warsaw. When my building was bombed to the ground, on Czackiego 12 Street, we moved to the woods, rather than the Warsaw sewers. This lessened my ADHD since I was surrounded by Nature! But to the age of 63, till the time I finished the Angelicum in Rome, the professors, just like in the case of this beautiful girl on the picture, complained that "I didn’t follow instructions, blurted out answers without being called on . . .and that I was a “disaster” socially." Even now, at the age of 72, at Warsaw Pontifical University, the rector occasionally needed to stop my question that interrupted his lecture! So I wouldn't be concerned! We are just born with souls that God needs for special assignments like my unique doctorate I just got! Reply

Hadassa- ur daughter should read this comment she will feel as if someone relates to her. NY September 23, 2014

Don't worry--my advice I have ADHD & I'm a girl too. I am able to focus really well on things I enjoy but I CANT focus on things that I find boring. Here is my advice based on what my parent were able to do for me.
organization tutor- I understand that u might think that going to a tutor is 4 "stupid children" because that's what a lot of ppl seem to think. Helps u 2 "not lose things," organize ur binder, & assists u in studying 4 a test, and doing school work in an organized way...
psychologist- it can be expensive. Insurance can sometimes pay for it. Because your her mom, she really doesn't want to disappoint you. Sometimes we don't know what we are feeling and we just want 2 jump out of our skin & run around.... A therapist can really help with that.
ask school for more test time, & less homework for your daughter- u might say that she can do as much as everybody else, which she can, but she won't do as well. Studies show that if a child with ADHD gets less HW & more time they will do better.
Shana tova! Reply

desert voice Cracow June 2, 2014

It's Definitely Too Simplistic To Call Someone ADHD! I have to agree with the last comment, in particular the last sentence "that even the perceived ADHD is part of God's plan for us"! I am past 72 years old, and all my life had symptoms that someone might misdiagnose as ADHD. My sensibility has always been such, that I could sense moods and thoughts with incredible accuracy and swiftness. Every insincere or impure thought could instantly be registered by my brain. I never had mother or father by my side. This made me totally lonely and isolated in the world, with absolutely no friends. But now I know that this was part of God's infallible plan! Four days ago, I have defended my doctoral degree in pontifical dogmatic theology. The topic of my dissertation was the meaning and sense of human suffering. In order to defend this dissertation, I needed to have this degree of faith, discernment, and experience in soul's moral and physical suffering! I also needed uncommon sensibility! Nothing else would do for a doctor in Theodycea! Reply

Anonymous June 1, 2014

Thank you for sharing My son is 11 and was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5, although I think I knew from 2.5 yrs there was something else going on. It was a hard, lonely and exhausting struggle, just as you have described, and yet there is something about these children, a wisdom, humor, energy and sensibility that is unique too. My son can sense my moods and thoughts in an incredible and occasionally disconcerting way. I am sure you will find the hyperactive component will diminish as she gets older which will make life easier, but some challenges do remain. The best thing I think is to try and find positive communities, schools and peer groups for these children - often requiring more effort than with other non ADHD children. Also a support group/ friends for yourself. That has made all the difference to me. Although is has been a difficult journey and continues to be at times, my son has taught me so much, challenged me in so many ways, and I can only believe that this was part of G-d's plan for us. T Reply

desert voice Cracow March 5, 2014

For me, the girl on the picture has all her needs encoded in the way she looks. If only people could read what some sensitive beings have written in their eyes. It is not ADHD! To call it ADHD is too simplistic! I call it soul's needs unmet! She has a beautiful soul that is not satisfied with her life ... except when she is alone. That is when she feels best. I am exactly the same way. But the needs still remain and she needs to be loved intelligently! I think that she, like the all of us, longs for a Messiah in whom her soul can rest! Reply

Alph Portland, OR March 5, 2014

THANK you so much for sharing! Praying for you... Reply

Dr Billy Levin South Africa February 6, 2014

comment about ADHD As a professional dedicated to ADHD my question is very simple Why is there so much misinformation and ignorance world wide about ADHD. This applies to both laymen and professionals. Some time ago 81 academic professors all signed an official protest objecting to this tragic situation. Their anxiety was that ignorance would prevent patients, both adult and child from obtaining correct treatment including medication. Reply

Anonymous January 16, 2014

autism my 6year old son is also having same problem while i was reading i found a way through God's word. Thank you very much sharing with us. Reply

Sheera Baltimore, Md via June 6, 2013

ADHD Thank you for your beautiful words! I can relate.. My son 8 struggles and with dyslexia as well as other learning challenges. I too have been my child's advocate and therapist. We are still working through it all in regards to him succeeded in the school setting. Keep up what you are doing - when you share your experiences and prevail and are not defeated and find inspiration despite the challenge it is a source of strength to others. Reply

Miriam Michigan May 7, 2013

Dear lonely I'm not sure what responses you've had,however,i have ADD &MI myself &my three children are all mentally ill&my youngest 15 has Aspergers. In hind site I have,&i sound horrible but I'm truly not,wished i had not had children because I feel responsibility for their conditions.i love them w all my heart &my heart is broken from everything they've gone thru as well as their current situations. My eldest children barely speak to me &my youngest is so socially challenged he has been the victim of sexual abuse 2x's.Despite meeting parents,curfews &the like.We are not an observant home &I'd like to do more but my husband who is 18yrs older does not & nor does my son & w/out a Jewish community around me it is so hard&yes lonely. and it feels like I live in a constant I can relate to not wanting children w your husband but have you thought of foster care or adoption? it's easier w 2 than son's best friend all but lives here because they r so alike&his Mom gave up and I refuse to. Reply

marc nj March 6, 2013

special needs kids i have a special needs teen n it is alot to handle. all family can do is to do their best n not let marraiges fall apart. Reply

Melinda Golding Highfields February 8, 2013

ADHD and our children I have just found your site and praise G-d for showing it to me. I have been so moved by your encouragement and support for one another. I am a mum of five children/young adults. My youngest are triplet boys, two with ADHD and one with ADD. My heart breaks every time I see the boys being segregated by those in their peer groups yet I also am filled with such gratefulness and love when I see one boy befriend my sons and show compassion and understanding and friendship. That is when I see the glory of G-d at work- in the heart of that one boy. I loved the comment of the original Anonymous author in this section- we are our children's social workers, doctors, psychologists, pharmacists, and the deliverer of endless hugs and cuddles. Your story reminded me and I am inspired again- never give up despite what 'professionals' believe is in the 'best interest' of our children. Trust in Him- and He will lead us out of our Egypt. Reply

desert voice Cracow, Poland December 28, 2012

The best help always comes from G-d in due time. You are very right on that. G-d knows what is best for every one of His children. He meticulously leads all to the Promised Land in a thousand ways we seldom even notice. We cannot tell G-d to hurry. All progress will come in each person's due time. Each person has his "egypt" and her "exodus"! The so-called ADHD people have their own growing clock. They grow to be the highest of plants, and this is why they take more time to grow. When they do, they acquire astounding abilities to change the world. Such moment comes when they realize, that they are the glory of G-d (gloria Dei vivens homo),meaning that G-d wants them to be fully healthy and fully happy, doing His Will only, not theirs! Then peace will come to all! For it is not enough for a human to just be the glory of G-d and stop there. His glory is an acting glory, and G-d wants His children to spread it to the ends of the earth! Reply

April Racine, WI December 27, 2012

Love them even if no one else will Judy,
I am 100% with you on this one. My family has recently fallen apart due to my ex not having nor wanting to make time to help me with the 2 ADHD children we have. His mother told them, 8 and 9 years old, that they can no longer come to her house because she cannot handle them. He didn't see a problem with this. The only thing I can say is, you ladies keep up the good work. It's the hardest job you'll ever have, and love them even if no one else will.

Desert Voice,
I can tell just by the way you write that you are ADHD. It is hard to focus on one thing for too long. Mine is more mild than my children, but I recognize my own writing in yours. That's why I keep them short. lol. Reply

desert voice Cracow, Poland February 20, 2012

A Non-Professional Eclectic Advise I am extremely reluctant to write on this topic. There are thousands of "professionals" out there, ready to vilify my every word. As some of you may have read, I had no father or mother to guide me and to "experiment" on me. I became my own Guinea-pig. I cured myself over 69 years. I still have sypmtoms. I did not try Ritalin, ever. In Argentina, when it was legal, I did try for a few years the Lilly-Ponce amphetamina (US-made). The results were amazing, astounding, but the thing was addictive. It's no longer legal, like spanking. I needed an iron hand, but got none, and became an extremely asocial person, ... were it not for Lilly. It sure beats Ritalin, but it would have to be given in secret, in low doses, and with extreme monitoring of progress. Else, what I want to add is this: start early teaching your child methodical thinking! I can't overemphasize that. It changes your brain and empowers you for life! Never learned that in the U.S. schools, only in Poland, doing doctorate. Reply

Adam Framingham, MA/USA February 17, 2012

Great article on ADHD Thank you for such a personal reflection on your feelings and interaction with your daughter. I am overjoyed at learning and hearing stories of breakthroughs between parents and children related to ADHD. The stories are so vivid to me even after more than forty years after my childhood. Discovering my ADHD as an adult was a blessing in disguise after working with a coach to understand, recognize & strategize how to use it as my gift to the world I engage with. Reply

Ms. judy sweren January 27, 2012

Thanks Thank you for your support here since I am new. I took my son to Chabad Torah study last night, he was never sent to hebrew school or Bar Mitzvah because the divorce and ADHD was just too much at that time. And although it was only our second time, 7:30pm after the ADHD meds are wearing off he sat fairly still and listened to the rabbi and even asked intelectual questions. I am very proud of my son. I think Chabad is really going to make a difference in our lives. Reply