Pray, Eat and Pray Some More

Isn’t it interesting that today I decided, perhaps out of necessity, that I needed to establish a spirit and body routine to start the day.

You see, I’ve lost my way. I am slowly coming out of a depression, removed from myself because of many, many reasons.

I have been waking up in the morning, brushing my teeth, taking my medications for both my lung transplant and, now, depression. I utter a quick Modeh Ani, the prayer said upon awaking, and the Shema, the foundational prayer of the Jewish people. The rest is a blank. What do I do now?

People who know me understand my love of the arts and needing to learn more; more books, interesting films, more music. The fact I am a musician, writer, painter and, now, jewelry designer holds no solutions to these blank days. There is very little desire. I’m not asking for a lot; just a little, to remind me why I am here,

My heart and soul need direction because they have been so badly beaten, I just need a new way. This was and is my new fork in the road, and I’m going to take it. The other road also leads to G‑d, I believe, but perhaps more slowly. I had lost too much time already. My sense of urgency at this point was the fact that I had had that double lung transplant, and enough time had passed where I have not been keeping up with G‑d.

Imagine my surprise when I received the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s “Message of the Day” directly addressing depression and the “dullness of heart.” Essentially, what did the Rebbe recommend? Pray. It will open your heart to your Creator and transform your life. Exactly what I have been searching for.

So the plan now is Pray, Eat and Pray Some More.

Is this illness known as “depression” caused by a lack of faith, circumstances, or a particular lesson we need to learn in this incarnation? Maybe it’s a bit of all these things. Psychiatrists can break it down chemically, and sometimes trace it to family roots of one’s early life. Predisposition to depression from genetics? I know I meet all of the criteria. One therapist said I barely stood a chance of making it into adulthood without completely being derailed. But I did.

I am a survivor. There were moments when I had to hold on to my life minute by minute. The double lung transplant was easy compared to what I had been going through. Why? My life was in the doctors’ hands. Moreover, in G‑d’s hands. What did I have to do? Just go along for the ride, wake up and breathe. And who was behind that?

I see a bigger picture now. I was drowning because I forgot that G‑d is always at the helm.

This is my plan for a safe return and an elevated, or perhaps more grateful, way to live my life.

Pray, Eat and Pray Some More.

And don’t forget your meds.