My Child Self-Injures

Dear Rachel,

My son came home from kindergarten with scratches on his neck. When I called the teacher to ask what happened, she explained that he did it to himself when he was placed in time-out for ripping up another child’s artwork. Since that first time, I have also discovered bite marks that were self-inflicted during a punishment. I am really scared by this. I tried to explain to him that it is wrong to hurt yourself just like it is wrong to hurt others, but it doesn’t seem to have made an impact. We have never hit him at home, and the kindergarten teacher is also kindhearted and loving. Why would such a small child hurt himself? And more importantly, how can I make him stop?!

Biter’s Mom

Dear Biter’s Mom,

Researchers suspect that the self-injury causes the release of neurotransmitters that have a self-soothing effectThere are several reasons that small children will self-injure.

Some children will do it as an attention-seeking behavior. They hope to deflect a parent or caregiver’s anger and invoke their sympathy instead. In these cases it is important not to reinforce the child’s behavior by responding with sympathy and concern. Instead a parent should exhibit calm detachment. For example, they might say, “You can bite yourself if you want, but you still need to clean your room,” or “. . . to go to bed,” etc.

Other children will use self-harm in an educational setting in response to demands they perceive as overwhelming. In such a case, self-injury is a way of relieving their performance anxiety and lowering the expectations being placed on them.

Some children employ self-injury in a time of stress or emotional distress as a method of calming themselves down. Researchers suspect that the self-injury causes the release of neurotransmitters that have a self-soothing effect. It sounds like this may be the case with your son, who self-harmed during a punishment.

The most common self-harming behaviors among small children are biting oneself, scratching oneself, head-banging, excessive picking at skin or scars, and hair-pulling.

While an isolated incident of self-harm is not cause for undue concern, a pattern of self-harm during times of stress is definitely something that should be evaluated by a child psychologist in order to determine whether the child is at risk for serious self-injury. Furthermore self-injury may also be an early warning sign of an underlying emotional disorder such as anxiety disorder or PDD (pervasive developmental delay). In these cases, therapy is necessary to help a child learn appropriate self-soothing behaviors.

Although encountering self-harming behavior among their children is a scary and alarming experience for parents, it is actually not an uncommon one. A parent who is able to remain calm in the face of self-injurious behavior will be the most effective at dealing with it as well.

A parent who is able to remain calm in the face of self-injurious behavior will be the most effective at dealing with itThere is a mitzvah to guard our health exceedingly well (Devarim 4:15). This mitzvah expresses G‑d’s concern for our physical and emotional welfare. Like a caring parent who worries whether their child is eating and sleeping well, G‑d is also concerned about our total health and wellbeing.

Explain to your child that G‑d loves him, and G‑d is with him even though he can’t see Him. More importantly, G‑d is with him always, even during those scary times when you cannot be with him. Perhaps this understanding will help him to feel less alone and afraid during those episodes when he is tempted to self-harm.

Thanks for writing,

Rachel