G-d on the Playground

When I think about Judaism, I get frustrated.

The topic frustrates me.

I can't see G‑d. I can't hear G‑d. I don't understand why we do all the things we do.

It's frustrating; my head hurts when I think about it.

The only way I know G‑d exists is through feeling Him.

But feelings are abstract and interchangeable, they shift.

I've always wanted to see G‑d. See Him right in front of me. Hear Him tell me why I should do all the things He wants me to do.

I just want to understand everything.

I want clarity.

I want simplicity.

I want it all laid out before me neat, crisp and simple.

And I know what I need.

I need to be a child again.

When I was a child I saw G‑d. I saw Him, right in front of me.

I want clarity. I want simplicity Children are special. They know things, they can imagine and they can see.

Children can see G‑d.

Children are real. When they learn Torah they're genuinely excited. They are radiant to be doing mitzvot. I'm jealous of their sincerity.

I wish I knew G‑d again, like a child.

So I go to the park, go on the swings, close my eyes and push my legs back hard.

I swing up and down listening to children laugh and play.

I think about how I and G‑d aren't as close as we should be.

I start analyzing our relationship, but I stop, because I need to be a child again.

I have to stop wanting to understand. Stop needing to know the reasons behind everything I'm doing. Stop trying to justify and clarify everything in my head.

I just need to be a child. I'm the child and G‑d is my father, He knows what's best for me.

To me it may all have no purpose. To me it may seem useless, and ridiculous.

I may feel like a freak on the streets. So I need to be a child who doesn't care what people think and does things "because I said so."

Swinging on the swings I feel like I'm little again. I feel the sun on my face and smile.

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and wish from the bottom of my heart to see G‑d again and understand things. I wish it as hard as I can with all of my might. I try to feel the wish bubbling in my heart and flying into the air.

And when I open my eyes, I can see Him.

He's in the sun beating down on the playground and the trees shading the paths. He's in the wind rustling the leaves, and He's even in the park bench. The park looks beautiful and wonderful and full.

I let the warm sun rays wash over me and feel like G‑d is speaking to me.

He's telling me that He understands. He understands I have doubts and He understands how hard it is for me. He tells me that it's okay to be frustrated. He knows I want to understand. And He tells me that one day I will understand. But not now, now I'm just a child.

I'm just a child, and He's my father.