Visualizing Our Reality

Thirty-six degrees Celsius. Another morning I take my temperature. It's the same, thirty-six degrees Celsius. Day after day, morning after morning. It stays the same. I can't tell you how much I want it to change. To go up. A rise in temperature would be a sign that I ovulated which would mean that maybe, just maybe I could be pregnant again. But the temperature stays the same.

Thirty-six degrees Celsius.

I go through phases. Some months go by and I don't bother taking my temperature. It's almost a relief, to wake up and not know what the thermometer would say. I've tried hormones, I've performed treatments. I take herbs and try different alternative medicines. I know that something has to work. Some things do appear to help, some things don't.

Some days I feel like giving up, and you know what, on some days, that's okay. I am so very grateful. After many trials and tribulations, I am so fortunate to have two healthy children. And I feel blessed every second of my life. Yet some days I get hopeful that maybe I will be blessed with more. So I take out my trusty thermometer. It tells me the truth, it won't betray me.

Again the thermometer reads: thirty-six degrees Celsius.

I can't remember who told me, but I once heard that if I wanted to become pregnant then I would have to visualize it happening. I close my eyes, I meditate. I imagine my belly becoming round, my body full and feminine. I try to feel the kicks as my baby moves within me. I pray so hard for this dream to become true. "If nothing else, know Elana that it can happen.

In the past there were two times that I took my temperature and it didn't say thirty-six, but 37.7 degrees Celsius. One rise in temperature was my son, the other my daughter.

People ask me, "What helped? What did it?" Was it the treatments? The herbs? The acupuncture? "Everything" I answer. It was everything and nothing. Each action was another drop of water needed to fill the cup. Without a single one of those drops the cup wouldn't be full.

I sing with my children a beautiful song of hope. A song that Jews have been singing for centuries, "I believe, I believe with perfect faith in the coming of Mashiach. And even though he may tarry, I still will wait for him each day to arrive. I believe!"

There was once a king of Aram who sent warriors to a certain location to ambush the Israelites. Elisha the Prophet warned the king of Israel not to pass by that place. The king avoided that area and was saved. This happened many times. The king of Aram was furious and wanted to know who the spy was, who was revealing all his military secrets to the king of Israel. His advisors explained that it wasn't a spy, but Elisha the Prophet who through prophecy knew what was going on. The king of Aram then wanted to capture Elisha. He found out Elisha's whereabouts and at night surrounded the town with a large brigade.

Elisha's attendant woke up the next morning shocked to discover that they were in grave danger. "Alas my master, what shall we do?" He asked in panic. Elisha told him, "Do not fear, for those on our side are more numerous than they are," (II King 6:16). G‑d opened up the attendant's eyes and he saw the brigade of Aram surrounded by an army of angels standing on the hills with chariots and horses capable of destroying the enemy. Aram attacked and Elisha prayed that they should be struck by blindness. They were and he escaped.

A great rabbi, Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz, asked, "Why did G‑d send the army of angels if in the end they didn't do anything and played no role in the miracle?" He answered that from here we learn a very important lesson. As long as Elisha's attendant was afraid, no miracle could take place. Faith was lacking. He couldn't imagine any way out and his fear paralyzed the forces of Divine deliverance.

The first thing that Elisha had to do was calm his attendant and show him the truth: G‑d was protecting them! When G‑d saw that the assistant trusted in Him and no longer feared Aram's warriors He could then act on his behalf and save him.

"I believe, I believe with perfect faith in the coming of Mashiach. And even though he may tarry, I still will wait for him each day to arrive. I believe!"

I walk to the Kotel otherwise known as the Wailing or Western Wall. It is the only physical remnant that we have of one of the exterior walls of the Holy Temple. I see stones. There is no building, no glory. I close my eyes and visualize. I imagine the Holy Temple rebuilt, standing tall and majestic. I see an end to all suffering, a gathering of all Jews, and a time of peace and rejoicing. I light Shabbat candles, I visit the sick. I take care not to spread gossip or slander. I fill the cup with drops of water. I take my temperature…One day it will be 37.7 degrees Celsius again. I believe!