Walking the Tightrope

There are true stories of women who lead double lives. There's that school librarian, all quiet and serious, who preaches the importance of literature by day and then finds herself addicted to useless reality television by night. There are the thousands of newly unemployed individuals, going to job interviews and trying to project a confidence in themselves and in their future employment that is virtually impossible to feel in this tumultuous economy. And what about the small duplicities in all our lives- exhorting our kids to eat healthy while we settle for a "breakfast" of coffee as we rush off to work?

Any kind of duplicity is both a talent and a burden. And I lead such a life. I am a Jewish woman walking the line between belief and practice.

Transformation is a process that takes time Let's be honest, it is a very rare case that a woman falls asleep with a Big Mac in her hand and wakes up with a kosher kitchen. The entire transformation is a process that happens over time. For some it can be a few months and for others it takes years. However, one thing that we all share is that "in between" phase. That time when we know in our heart of hearts that we shouldn't eat the non-kosher steak but it is just so unbelievably tempting!

It's also that time when your favorite music group is coming to town on a Saturday and because you're not quite fully observant of Shabbat you buy the tickets anyway. All the while, this back and forth is going on where the things you've been doing forever and the things you would like to be doing are confronting one another in a great war that takes place deep within your soul. So what's a girl to do?

Although I'm not completely done with my metamorphosis (far from it), my advice is to acknowledge what you're going through, understand that it's normal, and then find someone whom you can talk to about it. Personally, I find the situation both difficult and comforting at the same time. What we all seem to forget some time or another is that we are all here doing what we are doing because this is what G‑d intended for us.

This past Labor Day weekend, I felt like I had been thrust upon a very narrow tightrope. For me, it's not a question of moving forward or backward. After learning a lot about Judaism over the last two years, and with the support of my husband, family, and friends, there's just no turning back. Nor would I want to.

Something is keeping me in balance Instead, it's a question of where will I fall? Where do I belong? This is the difficult part. And this is where the duplicity comes in. Here I am, on Labor Day weekend, fumbling for the number to the mikvah and at the same time looking up the address to a local festival where I'm positive that it will be impossible to find kosher food.

The next day, I find myself saying the bedtime prayer of Shema only hours after eating at a non-kosher barbecue. It's like an endless cycle of one step forward and two steps back. Yes, this is the difficult part.

As crazy as it sounds, it is all still very comforting as well. When I take a proverbial step back and look at myself on that tightrope walking the line, I notice something very interesting – I'm still on the tightrope. I haven't fallen to one side or the other.

Something is keeping me in balance. It's those mitzvahs again. You know, those things that Jews are supposed to be doing as much as they can? Well, guess what? No one can ever take your mitzvah away from you. Don't get me wrong, we should all strive to do as many mitzvahs as possible, but just because you are not yet at the point where you eat kosher food every day doesn't take away from your mitzvah of lighting candles on Shabbat.

The details are between you and G‑d alone I find this fact very inspiring and when I think about it, it always makes me want to do more. And even though it's scary at times, just to be on that tightrope means that you've made great strides. You're no longer in the audience. You're the performer and you're walking the line. This is the comforting part.

As much as I know I can share my highs and lows with some of my friends, no one experiences this the exact same way. This struggle is a very personal one, and the details are between you and G‑d alone. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to become a tightrope walker. Are you ready to forgo a Saturday concert for Shabbat at a friend's house? Maybe you're as far as retiring all of your pants for beautiful skirts. Or, maybe you thought to yourself that this all sounds pretty interesting and you should ask someone about it to learn a little more.

Whatever your situation is, only you know what side you're leaning to that day. As for myself, I've been very wobbly lately. But wobbly means progress and so even though it is hard at times, I'm continuing to strive for a new balance in my life and resisting the temptation to simply fall back to my old habits. I hope to one day walk with full confidence as I continue to grow and strengthen my Jewish commitments, but even when my footing is far from secure, I'll try to enjoy each and every mitzvah along the way.