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Working My Way Home
By Aliza Hausman
| I was sure that G‑d had given up on me, sure that I was being overlooked. The space between us seemed infinite and never-ending. But something stirred...
17 Comments Posted
It's when the going is tough that our metal is tested and we have the opportunity to really refine our nephesh (soul)... whether we praise Him in the valleys as well as the mountain tops.
Praising Him from the valleys, as David ha-Melekh did, also yields the greatest satisfaction and rewards.
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as a fellow sufferer and a member of chabad in san diego, i was happy and sad to read your article. we who suffer invisibly who look well and feel sick lean on Hashem to show us the way, the will to fight and recuperate from this life challenging illness. love, your sister in pain and faith
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I truly enjoyed reading your story, it lifted me to a higher diminsion. Keep on writing and never give up on G-d. I love you and keep on moving.
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That has got to be the most realistic painful honest and beautiful story I have heard..I can relate to much of it. I am so happy that the reality of this struggle many of us face in life is discussed openly, the stuggle of bad childhood, of hating G-d, hating ones self, coming to terms with G-d through Judaism, and realising it is fine to be human, perfectly fine to not be perfect..and its a gift that you share when you permit others to know they are not alone.
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All the therapists couldn't help you, because they are only able to work with you in the light of their own knowledge or realization. Try to sit just 15 Minutes in the morning and be silent - just silent and you will see what is happening. I wish you find the right therapist who will bring you through this rally of life. But after all your pains you will see what G-d meant with your life and be sure you will see it. All the best for you.
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Some things are naturally poison to our systems espically anger. Psalm 27 is also very special to me as was so King David. If we are blessed when we come to understand that the most terrible and dark things in life are to instruct and guide us actually. We do descend ourselves so we can learn to assend and then we are challenged to keep balance amidst bringing more light into situations just as you are doing now and this is what creation was and is all about.
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Yahser Koach! It is difficult to pursue a religious life, especially after all that Life threw at you. It is not easy, but the reward, sweet. Keep on the path you are on, with the help of Hashem, we all will be right there with you.
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I can definitely relate to your story, about hating-loving HaShem. I think it is great that you are sharing and wriitng. Keep it up. However, It is wrong for you to call yourself a convert. You are Jewish and that is it. How you came to being Jewish is between you and HaShem. It is written somewhere that we are never to keep reminding the convert that they convert. Can you imagine? If we had labeld Ruth the Convert, she may not have been the mother of King David and therefore not the ancestor of the Messiah.
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Having been in chronic pain from fibromyalgia and disk disease as well as growing up with a mentally ill mother, I am moved by your struggle, enough to say, that He has healed me completely. Yes, it is a miracle and yes, it was a journey that has bound me to HaShem's everlasting Love and Kindness. He is more than willing to be there with you until the you find total release in Him. May His Shalom be yours.
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I am Jewish (born), diagnosed in my 20s. I am 57 and can rarely go to shul. I "talk" to G-d all the time, but I don't know if He can/will help me. I understand your pain-physical and emotional.
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My parents were never physically abusive, but the resentment that came as a result of my mother's becoming pregnant with me at the age of 15 over-shadowed much of my adolescence. When I was successful in ways in which my parents could never dream, the resentment was fueled even further and is sometimes so obvious that it can almost be physically felt.
Your statement, "And I knew that for better or worse it was because of my father and mother (and in my case, also my husband, who suffers from mental illness) that I had always felt closer to G‑d,” brought tears to my eyes.
Is that why I have suffered so much? Has Hashem allowed me to be rejected by the people who should have loved me most in order to bring me to His people? You have given me hope:
As I quietly study, learn, and prepare, I know that I too, will one day, be a Jew-by-Choice. I also smiled, when I saw your Hebrew name. It is the very one that I picked-out many years ago, "Aliza,” “Joy.”
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Look at all you have gone through and look at all you have become for it! You suffer ed and terribly and many do not understand the pain of Fibromyalgia. I am unable to look down to pray and to hold the prayer book and even flip through the pages is painful. I imagine the wind blowing on me as the hug of Hashem. and I embrace it, but wince . The pain is a sign I am alive and my family is what I live for. In my work as a Therapist, though I work only a few hours a week it gives me great satisfaction and writing is my great therapy. You touched my heart and you touched my soul. G-d is always there and look for the light in the darkness. Chronic pain increases empathy for others, your life story has a positive outcome after a long trial. I look forward to reading more and you inspire me, though my feet are numb from sitting at the computer and my fingers are burning.
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Dear Aliza, you are an awesome blessing. The Chasidic Rebbes referred to Reb Nachman mBreslov as "The Master of Prayer". Reb Nachman says true prayer is talking to Hashem about every single little thing. You were always engaged in true prayer. Sending you brachos for health, strength and joy.
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Thank you for sharing Aliza. You've dealt with so many difficulties in life, but keep persevering.
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I thought it was a unique paradox that I faced. To be angry and then to still love G-D. To have had a passionate loving relationship and then to see it evolve into rage. To want to run from Him and know that if you do where will you run to? To have people in your life who should love you and yet their rejection of you causes you to then want to reject G-D. I needed this today. Thank you for being transparent...the details that you shared have given me hope that I can return back to Him as well...one step at a time.
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Aliza--I found this site accidentally. You write with beauty and passion. May you find peace and blessings of comfort.
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