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By Susie Benzaquen
| Divorce often brings out the worst in two people that at one time may have felt deep feelings of love for one another. It's only human nature to want to find some outlet for those feelings of loss, disappointment, regret, or even failure that generally accompany divorce...
31 Comments Posted
Thanks for sharing your views about PAS. It is tragic when children are used as pawns in any divorce decisions.
My own experience more than a decade ago led to my writing a guidebook for parents on how to create a storybook with family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough break-the-news conversation.
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Hi Susie,
Thank you so much for addressing this very important issue. PAS is real and affects many parents and children. There are now resources to help targeted parents and some mental health professionals who understand this problem. In addition, there are internet and even face to face support groups for parents dealing with this.
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Well said. I am in target and it is, by far, the worst experience a loving, caring parent will ever go through. If a loved one dies you go through a period of grieving that will gradually subside over time.
If you lose a child emotionally you grieve each and every day for the loss but it does not subside. You know your child is out there and you keep searching both figuratively (for emotional reattachment) and literally if they are physically lost.
Parental Alienation knows no borders or religion. It is prevalent planet wide.
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Whereas it's important to maintain relationships with parents, invoking PAS is usually not used for this. It is not a scientifically accepted medical condition. The terminolgy was fabricated by a pro-pedophilia doctor named Richard Gardner to defend men accused of sexually abusing their children. The misuse and overuse of this catchphrase is resulting in the terminology taking on all manners of meanings. No offense to your article about maintaining good relationships. But please do not use this terminology which is a courtroom strategy for defending child abusers.
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Thank you Susie for writing this article. I too am a victim of PAS and my daughter at 23 years of age still cannot speak with me. Odd that you are jewish; so claimed her mother. She used to brandish the fact in front of me that our daughter would be born into Judaism. That was but one of many things she did to me and to us in the face of her profound sense of inadequacy.
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You will note the poster who claims PAS is "not science" stays anonymous. The feminist left is running scared these days because courts are starting to take Parental Alienation with the seriousness it deserves.
Parental Alienation is behaviour by a parent targeting another parent. PAS is the impact on the child and may eventually be included in the DSM in 2010 or beyond. They all sing from the same song book and accuse a dead man - whose work is used as a reference by the American Psychological Association and many practitioners - as a pro-pedophile.
The feminist lefties who troll blogs leaving their misinformation have fear that their cohorts will lose out on the current entitlements they get - mostly from men - and they are afraid. Ask one of them if they believe it exists in lesbian relationships or if a man does it to a woman and their tune changes. Anonymous is lacking credibility - ignore her.♦
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my daughter is 12. She has often said Mommy tells me how much she hates you. Now suddenly a close relationship has ended.This is child abuse. I am shocked that feminists and their lawyers deny that malicious mothers and fathers attempt to destroy parental bonds.
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You have attracted the fanatics to your site. Look out for men who have restraining orders against them who will claim that they are "alienated" When there has been abuse, it is not alienation - but now that there are PAS accusing doctors who will accuse the victim of lying just by paying them to do so, victims of family violence don't have much of a chance at being protected anymore.
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your article refers to situations where both parents are mature , normal adults. but I have freinds whos fathers where really immoral, abusive or both who abused their relationship with there kids after the divorce. in many of these cases the children actually preferred the emotionally-abusive father.which raises the question if they shouldn't have been separated more and earlier..
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dealing with pas is very diffcult. I know I've been 12 years and counting shut out of my childrens lives. Thank you helping bring awareness to P.A.S. for people.
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I am the biological father of 4 children and I can assure you that the trauma and damage of PAS is heart wrenching and so unfair. Why all the unnecessary heartache? Why teach the children how to hate after family separation? The children are not weapons of war to be used as pawns in a sick game for the benefit of lawyers and psychologists. The gender bias family court is responsible for PAS. The unscrupulous so called family court professionals dwell in adversarial litigation, which is a gravy train causing so much damage for the paternal family. These destructive cretins are solely responsible for encouraging custodial applicants in the court to use PAS as a hideous evil tool. Shame on a family court that encourages PAS !
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I am often consulted about horrendous PAS situations. When a loving parent is demonized by a psychotic (often Borderline) mother or father, s/he doesn't stand a chance. The PAS parent can say the most outrageous lies (usually accusing the loving parent of physical and sexual abuse) and everyone will believe the PASer, because they are often charming sociopaths who lie with aplomb. Meanwhile, the children are taught to lie and spy, to enjoy hurting others with no feelings of shame or remorse. The victims never ever recover completely.
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Well I am a mental health proffessional and i commend you on a brilliant article, highlighting this topic. Sadly i see the results of torn apart families, where the children have been lied to and manipulated. however hard it might be, the truth is the right path unless ( and only in very few cases ) it will do irrepairable damage. Kol ha kavod (With much respect) to you and your family.
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He says he will put this on his office board. He could have written something similar, but sans Torah teach because he is not a Jew.
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This largely ancedotal article is an extremely unfortunate choice from the Chabad.org. editors. Are you aware that the accusation of PAS is most often used as a contrivance in the courts by abusive ex-husbands in divorces and custody battles emanating from domestic violence? Was there any editorial fact checking or research done regarding this subject matter?
Does this author have any idea how many mothers beg their ex-husbands to participate in their children's lives, but again and again they refuse - all the while telling everyone who will listen that their ex-wives are "keeping the children" from them . This is a far more ubiquitous scenario post-divorce - even in the Jewish world.
The Rebbe viewed a child's access to both parents as paramount - except in cases of psychological, spiritual or physical abuse. You owe your readers an article exploring this point of view.
It's true there are two sides to every story - and the second wife rarely knows all of either.
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This is exactly what happened to me. My ex wife ended up with residential custody after our divorce as I did not want the kids then 9 and 6 to be uprooted. We had joint legal custody. months later she made the kids write a list of things that they did not like about me and made them sign it. She then over the years did a multitude of things to keep me out of the kids lives including forcing me to get a court order for an aliya at my daughter's bat mitzvah and for photo information which she lied to the judge. My son eventually walked out on her 4 months before his bar mitzvah, and now I have to force him to see her. My daughter confides in me prior to confiding in her mother. The only winners were the lawyers as it cost me in excess of $100,000 to stay in my kids lives because of their mother's vindictiveness. Now my kids will have college loans to deal with because of her. To those parents, both mothers and fathers, think of the kids first. They did not ask for the divorce.
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In response, to this insulting attack to my very polite and very correct statements. Please notice the disdain and insinuation of labelling a poster a "feminst". These are misogynistic child abusers who use PAS as a courtrrom strategy - the result is that children who are the victims of physical and sexual abuse are beign removed from their protectors and forced to be with their abusers. This is very true and going on with alarming frequency. There is a complaint with the IACHR for human rights violations against the US for allowing this fraud to go on-Stop Family Violence. Children who reached the age of 18 were suing Richard Gardner fro destroying their lives. Gardner committed suicide by stabbing himself while overdosing. If you are interested in the true use of PAS as a tool for child abusers, check out CincinnatiPAS.
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Very upsetting article. True, there may be isolated cases of loving parents who are alienated from their parents.
MUCH, much more often, abusing fathers are using PAS in court to shatter the fragile security forever of children already damaged by abuse. These are vindictive, vicious individuals who care little about their children.
Please, let's protect the children. Those who encourage the PAS claim will have these children's eternal pain on their shoulders.
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I am not a mental health care professional. Parental alienation (PA) and PAS (an advanced situation where the child starts inventing things in their own mind, etc.) are very serious problems. PA has been declared by many States to be child abuse. Despite that, the Court system is a very difficult place to address such issues. Education is necessary in parenting courses and schools and in this venue as well. In that regard your article helps, and thank you.
One major problem: The parent who peforms and continues with such parental alienation usually has no sense of justice and/or is blind to their own selfish and destructive behavior, as are their "supporting" family members. Also, many of them do not believe in G-D. PA can cause significant pysch & emotional problems to a child.
The law requiruing a parenting course before a marriage license is issued might pave the way for heightened awareness. Your article helps. We need more love in this world. PA is hatred . . .
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"These are misogynistic child abusers who use PAS as a courtrrom strategy - the result is that children who are the victims of physical and sexual abuse are beign removed from their protectors and forced to be with their abusers."
I agree that they use PAS as a weapon, but the actual weapon is the court system. The court system is broken when it comes to kids in custody battles. You have two lawyers arguing for each parent, but no one looking out for the kids as their lawyer or even a guardian ad leitem. I was in a battle where the judge "humored" me and got the investigator in AFTER the court case was over and I couldn't appeal. My daughters came home when they were old enough to have a say in the court.
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Note the slanderous remarks this individual makes hiding behind her cloak of anonymity. It is so easy for these feminist trolls to slander any one they wish. I use my real name, my real city and my real country. I am standing up to be counted and, indeed, targeted by these kind and gentle "motherly" trolls who believe they own children as their property and that abusing them with Parental Alienation is appropriate. After all fathers are not needed anymore after conception except, of course, as ATM's.
The first line of defense of these trolls is to label someone who disagrees with them misogynistic. These same people label their male partners as abusers if they have a difference of opinion with them as well. It fits a comfortable pattern.
Read Dr. Amy Baker's book on the impact it has had on children when they reach adulthood. Dr. Baker, if you noticed, has already commented in this forum.
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The law requiruing a parenting course before a marriage license is issued might pave the way for heightened awareness. Your article helps. We need more love in this world. PA is hatred . . .
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This sounds like one of the very people profiteering off of the ridiculous classes that all parents are forced to take. Nevermind that domestic violence and child abuse victims are trying to extricate themsleves from abuse - It's ideas like this that make abuse victims live a living hell. Forcing them to pay for classes and waste time learning to ACCOMODATE an abuser, that they should be getting protection from. It isn't alienation to not want to be repeatedly abused and controlled.
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First of all I would like to express my gratitude to all of you that have been kind enough to find some time to comment on my article. I have never claimed to be a mental health professional nor a legal expert on the subject, just a mom of a blended family. Although the term PAS may have started out as a diagnosis or legal term it has become widely used to describe the alienation of one parent by the other with the children trapped in the middle. Thankfully for some, as children grow into adulthood they are able to break free and create relationships on their own terms with each of their parents. Others are not so lucky. My goal in writing this piece was to heighten awareness and to encourage respect between divorced couples so that their children can benefit.
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On behalf of our children and future: We need to stand united to ensure parental and extended family rights. Between an often unjust legal system and corruption in our courts further exacerbated by communities influenced without full knowledge, we must work together for the well-being of our children and familiy. Organize and stand together!
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Thanks again, Susie, for your article. I agree we need to keep Parental Alienation top of mind when parents are making divorce decisions.
I am very empathic toward any parent experiencing alienation from their children when it is unjustified. I urge parents not to make this a gender issue -- but a smart parenting issue.
Let's not butt heads in a gender bashing mode but work together to educate all parents about the harmful effects -- long and short-term -- of parental alienation on all children of divorce.
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I am a survivor of Institutionalized Parental Alienation Syndrome. the problem doesn't stop @ the offending parent who is often a victim themselves of the fraudulent manipulations of health services thugs.
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Hi Susie,
This problem is now turned on Woman of divorce, sometimes the angry resentful ex-husband will try to brain wash the children and cause all sorts of problems for their ex-wife as a pay back ,they want their children to be disrespectful and side with them, they will constantly brain wash the children with mean untrue statements about their ex-wife. It is so sad, because the children suffer so with frustration and anger. How can we help the children?? The parents who do this to their children are sick and very selfish people. I am divorced and I have struggled for years with this problem. We need to do something to put an end to this. We need support, strength and more education.
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My suggestion to those suffering through this is to wait it out and continue to love and support your children unconditionally. Ultimately they will see the truth. As they grow and mature in their own relationships they will have a deeper understanding of who the adults in their lives are and how they fit into their own lives. It isn't easy having patience through this dark time but taking the "high road" will, with G-d's help pay off here.
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Thank G-d there are fit and loving parents; mothers and fathers. There are also abusive, neglectful, selfish mothers and fathers causing additional suffering in already difficult situations. It shouldn't be a war. Cooperation not Annihilation!
In fairness, the children should “win” and from my experience as a long time advocate for children, equal shared parenting benefits “our” children in most cases. Thus, I have encouraged and assisted both mothers and fathers always with the child’s well-being in mind. I am appalled at the increasing systematic bias against fathers, many who are fit and loving parents. This bias is resulting in the destruction of families and creating subsequent problems for children.
Further exacerbating this detrimental situation, children are being denied loving and supportive extended family as part of the denial of parental rights.
We need to lead in this area to change things in the “true” best interest of our children...With G-d's help!
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I'm pleasantly surprised this thread still has "legs." For those parents going through alienation of their child my one main suggestion is do not be passive. You must actively counterbalance the alienation by always showing up for access and calmly counteracting any vitriol your child sends your way without name calling of the other spouse. Name calling or bad mouthing will backfire as you are the enemy and it will only feed the abusive parent's programming. It is hard but doable. Join a group such as PAA.org or the many others out there who are going through the same thing. Support is essential because when you see your child turn on you in the manner they can it is devastating.
I also agree a presumption of shared and equal parenting in law for fit parents will help to reduce the current adversarial system which helps lead to the kind of abuse of children that currently occurs in order to win custody.
I speak from many years of personal heartache and experience that it works.
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As way of response to the last comment; I certainly agree with not being passive but I do not advise confronting the negative comments or aggression. That type of response will confuse the children further. What I do suggest is to make sure that you enjoy your designating "quality" time with your children, no matter how no matter when be there for them as much as you can. Follow through on your promises and do not make promises you can not keep. Make sure to financially and emotionally support your children to the very best of your ability. And do not get drawn into the negative pull of the other parent. It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination but negativity only breeds negativity. It is a vicious cycle that must be broken. By you being a stand up parent, one that is there for your children they will (with G-d's help) eventually see through the lies and desire a relationship with you.
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