We went back to the psychiatrist and she saw right away what it really was. My beautiful, brilliant, funny, compassionate son was literally climbing her bookcases, screaming like a wild animal...
51 Comments Posted
This is a beautiful article & it was so brave of you to write it.
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Debbie, thank you for sharing this moving piece. It will surely serve as an inspiration to many. May G-d continue to give you and your family strength and blessing.
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Thank you Debbie for your poignant story. The Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation at www.bpkids.org is a source of information and support for tens of thousands of families who struggle with this illness just like you. I welcome all who live with (or fear) this illness in their children to join us to learn, share and develop strategies to help "get their children back" and regain new levels of wellness.
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G-d Bless You. Hopefully other readers will find hope and comfort in your story. Yes, G-d does challenge us. Yes, with FAITH in G-d everything is possible. I know this for a fact myself. Keep your FAITH in G-d all things are possible. G-d has challenge you and your family for a reason. To help others with a similar situtation. Keep up the great work. G-d has plans for you and your family.
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Thank you for this article on a topic that has so long been taboo. We have adopted a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, another type of mental illness, and your line about becoming proactive really moved me. When I can be proactive, things work better.Support and infromation sharing from other parents in the same boat has helped even more then therapy at times. Thank you so much for sharing. G-d seems to be making use of you to help others.
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I also have a bi-polar child. It seems to have improved a bit after adolesence with the proper meds, and he now is a member of the armed forces heading to Iraq. He does seem to still feel things very deeply- his extremes are just that- he is aware of it.
I pray that Hashem gives you the strength to get through these tough times. Thank you for breaing the silence around this topic.
Hazak U Baruch. (Strength and blessing)
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Debbie, thanks so much for your article. I see so much of my son through your eyes. My son is now 21yrs old. We have endured years of BiPolar disorder. I recently had to listen to someone tell me that there is "no way" your son was diagnosed at 6yrs old. Yes, "way", it is TRUE!!! Ben has just graduated from community college and wants to further his education. We have been in a CRISIS mode for the past several months when his meds were changed for health reasons. It is like starting over. And I do mean OVER. It is again as if he is 6yrs old. It was hard enough to go through the first time, but to do it again?!
This broke my marriage up years ago and my significant other isn't too caring, even though he endured mental illness in his marriage with his wife(ex).
I will definitely check -out bpkids.org for some insight. Thanks again for your article.
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Thank you for this article. I am Bipolar and I know that for years I was asking myself, "what is wrong with me?" I went into a deep funk and the rabbi's wife took me to the state mental health institution. After waiting all day, I was finally seen. I was diagnosed and after about 18 months of trying to stabilize they finally found a cocktail of meds that worked. It is a constant struggle to stay stabilized.
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"educating the community about mental illness and help take away some of the stigma" actually means taking away some of the ignorances, assigning a stigma is one.
I do not assign "stigmas," validate or abet anyone who does. I recommend the policy.
Instead I ask people to describe specifically what they experience. Sometimes it is simple rudeness, and apologies are in order, and sometimes it is ignorances, and education is in order.
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Thank you so much for challenging that old cliche that Gd never gives us more than we can handle.
For example, Gd has given your son more than he could handle. If you had not looked up when you did, he might have succeeded in killing himself--the ultimate statement of "I can't handle this"!!!
And there are adults who commit suicide, and surely many times it is because they have got more going on than they can handle.
And you yourself have a husband, a support group, a school, and other resources. You do not have to handle it all yourself. It certainly would be more than you alone could handle! I congratulate you on what you have achieved, and commiserate with you for what you are going through, of course! You have done phenomenally well. But this situation is too much for one woman all alone. Thank Gd you have a husband and other resources!
So I hope in the name of heaven that people will please stop chiming in that cliche.
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I see around that G-d chooses special people to raise sick children. We have a very difficult "Shlichus", (mission) but we will make it. Our son has bi-polar disease. He started at age 14. Now at 39 he is stable, but we had very difficult times. He works , but is not ready to commit to start a family. With faith and prayer we hope to see him married. let's daven (pray) for Moshiach-Now!!!
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Amazing article! I have already forwarded it to parents whom I know will gain from it immensely.
Thank you for sharing your story.
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Thank you so much for sharing your struggles...I am sure this article will provide validation and information to so many mothers. May Hashem bless you and your family with so much strength to deal with this tremendous nisayon.
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Dear Debbie:
Reading your article I relived my experience through the harshest years of my son´s illness. If I could be part of your support group from a long distance, I would be happy to do so. There is so much I could tell you.
Never give up. There is hope. Hashem has answered our prayers, and my son is doing very well now. He can be the compassionate, intelligent and wonderful person he always was, but could not be, because of the horrible illness.
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you perhaps have days of wanting to run and not look back...however, you can't . It's not who you are...I'm not a trained counselor. I am, however, a consultant...working with women in crisis( I founded a non-profit. ) Some like your Son.
I'm from this small town...the lack of education is like that of a third world country. I loathe it! yet... I stay...Because what little I can do, hopefully, helps. No one wants to know about mental illness. I refuse to allow community leaders to sweep this one under the "Carpet". Mental Illnes is NOT a shame. It's a Health challenge just like heart, asthma or cancer.
You thank G-d that you have resourses for you Son. Down here, I'm working hard to try to help the community to over come ignorance. NOT to create, on top of Mental Illness, drug addicts!
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Thank you for being so brave and open with your son's story. I raised, and am still raising two boys with a dual diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder combined. I was a single parent to these two children who were extremely difficult to manage even on easy days. Their behaviours and personalities made them stand out, and we got responses from strangers that were often unkind and derisive. I became an advocate for them, often educating ignorant strangers about their disabilities. We have come a long way as a family- they have not lived at home for years- they are strong young men in their early 20's now, working on becoming well and a useful part of society. They both posess charm, innocence and a sparkling wit, and are two of the most loving souls I have ever met, who are clueless about matching socks and underarm deodorant. G-d Bless both of them. G-d Bless you, and give you strength, with your boys.
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Excellent article, very informative. Thanks for sharing your story and how you have handled the challenges of raising your son.
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Has your child been tested for food allergies or sensitivities? Allergies are usually thought to provoke only a visible physical response but some very commonly cause behavioural problems. They would certainly contribute to the problem. G-d bless you and your children.
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I was very surprised to see this great article about Debbie's son. Our youngest son, who is going to be 22 soon, was not diagnosed with borderline Bipolar until he was 16. We had years and years, from the time he was about 4, of rage fits, suicide threats, terrible school problems, and no support. It was extremely difficult to get the right help from Doctors or Psychiatrists. We tried to hide this from our families, because of the stigma and the reference to poor parenting they'd make. I've had my own serious health problems through all of this, and constantly prayed for strength, wisdom, the right help, and patience. Its been a long long road, but our son got his GED in 2004, and has been attending a Community College full time since 2005. He made the Dean's list last semester. This is a child who was in 4 different middle schools at one point. Medications have helped greatly, but yes the side effects are frustrating. These children are very bright and special.
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Your article touched and helped me and I needed it right now. I have a teenage daughter and my husband whom I think have a mental disorder. I think my daughter is bipolar. Unfortunately things have not worked out as well generally though there have been "breaks".
I found it helpful to feel I was not alone in facing such things or in how I was reacting and thinking.
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Thank you for sharing a story being repeated all around the country.
And from a mother whose child also was born with this "difference", I want to say that it can... and often does... get better.
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Some parents can't handle it. They put their children into institutions. Others can't handle the shame of putting the children into institutions, and so keep them at home to be cared for by paid helpers, who keep leaving and being replaced by others. Some parents simply can't handle it no matter what they do.
Thank Gd you have been able to handle it. But do not say that Gd never sends these children to families that can't handle it. Child welfare services records are full of parents who can't even handle a healthy child. Some people can't handle much, but they are sent plenty anyway. Three kids, out on the street because the parents are high on drugs, and child welfare puts the three siblings into three different homes. Because their own parents could not even handle being alive, much less taking care of a child.
Some people can't handle it. Thank Gd that you can.
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When children learn that they can get their way through various forms of demands, such as tears, then they employ them. Drugs will sedate your child, but they will never let him use his energy to his full capability. Try to prevent him from draining you. Send him to his room. Have something with goodness there that strikes awe in him that he can study, such as a book, or a stimulating source. Let him cry. It may hurt your soul, and your ears, but you must master him before he will accept you as a superior. To master him he needs to have something to occupy himself with until humbling occurs. If nothing else, compliment on his ability to cry so loud for he will be strengthening his voice as he cries. Loud resonant cries are the result of proper vocal technique. Allow him to break his toys, and play with broken toys. Through breaking, one learns how to fix.
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My heart beats with yours. I, too, raised a bi-polar child, who has become a most extraordinary young woman. The countless struggles, schools (kicked out of three), and deep unhappiness of this girl, with her utter belief and faith that G-d heals, has turned her world around. I still see her inner struggles as she maintains her balanced demeaner, and very generous spirit toward others. The advice I've always given to parents of difficult children is help them find their art form. Often these kids are brilliant artists, they just need to find thier outlet for expression. That is not the panacea for serious mental illness, however, but it is a beginning.
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Craig - I think the author tried that. It was obviously not the solution....
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If you send a child to his/her room, be sure there is nothing destructible in the room, because that child, for sure and certain, will destroy it if s/he possibly can.
And I do not mean only toys. Windows. Walls. Plaster ceilings. Ceiling light. Carpeted floors. Curtains. Bed. Mirror. Dresser. Desk. Or a belt to use to destroy the child's own life...
Are you sure you want to send that child to his room now, Craig? Not so easy after all, is it?
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Ms. Orkin presented a very realistic account of what it is like to live through this nightmarish illness.
As a parent of a bipolar child, I felt like crying when I read her article.
The Orthodox community needs to "wake up" and open their hearts and minds to provide support for the parents and children who are suffering with mental illness.
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Thank you for your comment. I myself am caught in a nightmare family situation of generational mental illness though I am sane myself. I do find it so very hard to keep on keeping on well enough in some ways, when it seems that I must keep "shameful" secrets and find from myself the extra means to cope, often alone or outside the orthodox community.
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www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/1275/jewish/On-People-with-Special-Needs.htm
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I am a bipolar adult and I thank you for writing this article. I was a horrible child and my older brother was diagnosed early on as schizophrenic. You could only imagine what my parents went through raising us. They did an amazing job. I never got diagnosed until 5 years ago after years of suicide attempts and 20 years of drug addiction. Your son is indeed a lucky boy that he got diagnosed now and doesn't have to go the route of so many bipolar people without medication. G-d bless.
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Debbie,
A friend forwarded me this aritcle and I found your story very moving and insightful. I have learned much about the disorder recently becuase of two different girls that I dated - one of whom I was engaged to - who had the disorder. One thing I have learned is that if you understand the disease, and understand why certain things happen and how they can be prevented, it is poosible - depending on the serverity of the disease and if the meds seem to work, it can be controlled and a person with BP can live a decent life. But the key is getting oneself educated on the illness and what it is really all about.
Debbie, may G-d give u all the brachas (blessings) u need to deal with this matter.
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Better sooner than later. And, I should not need to say by the laws that a five year olds are to have toys that are safe to play with even if they break. From personal experience, my mom always said, "You weren't happy unless it was broken." In maturity, the knowledge I gained through breaking toys possibly helped me understand materials better than anyone else I worked with.
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Thank you for your excellent and candid article, and for the helpful resources within it. I have emailed you separately with more details. May Hashem (G-d) give you much Koach (strength)!
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Thank you Yaakov for this link - www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/1275/jewish/On-People-with-Special-Needs.htm . It is about what the Rebbe said and it is worth reading. It is very wise and compassionate and helps the obtaining of a good viewpoint..
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Your welcome Rosemary!
BTW here are some more articles:
www.chabad.org/search/keyword_cdo/kid/12511/jewish/Mental-Health.htm
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Thank you again, Yaakov. I needed those links :) . They are like lifelines.
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I must say as a Mother of 6 with one bipolar
that so many do not understand a child with bipolar.
Often comments like Craig left "Try to prevent him from draining you. (HA! that's good advice!!) Send him to his room. Have something with goodness there that strikes awe in him that he can study, such as a book, or a stimulating source. Let him cry. It may hurt your soul, and your ears, but you must master him before he will accept you as a superior." Come from a COMPLETE lack of understanding what it is to raise a bipolar child.
I have 5 other delightful, helpful, calm, sweetly obedient children and 1 that even at the age of 4 talked of wanting to know what it was like to die and would try to jump out of the moving car. We don't watch TV and have no idea where these ideas would come from. He is a very bright child but watch out when he is not!!
I don't have the answers but I do know one thing for sure~what works with our other children NEVER have worked with him!!
Blessings
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My diagnosis is bipolar. I was delusional that I was great, until a boss let me work to my full potential. My arrogance attenuated with the increased workload, though it only lasted until I gained mental superiority and again I became haughty. I became displeased with myself, as I found my ideas founded in reason were not understandable, having no one to receive them. Yet, mental illness is a poor description, as one doctor's bipolar is not bipolar to another doctor. Perhaps, you son has a different type of bipolar than mine, as there are many ways to merit the diagnosis.
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www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/697668/jewish/A-Different-Perfect.htm
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Pediatric Bipolar manifests itself entirely differently than adult bipolar. There are specific characteristics/symptoms for adult bipolar disorder in the DSM IV Manual, which is the manual that mental health providers use to diagnoses and coding.
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Thank you for this article. Both of my brothers (identical twins) had severe mental health issues growing up and neither has turned out very well. So much so that when I was pregnant I was terrified that I would bring a child like them into the world (they never received proper care due to attitudes that you can't diagnose bipolar and schizophrenia so young). So far (at 4) my son seems OK, but reading your article has given me faith that even if he does develop issues that I will be able to advocate for him and have a different outcome. Thank you for giving parents a head start on where to turn and how to handle things - I certainly feel more at peace after reading your article!
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Hello there i have a daughter they have told me she is border line bipolar. they first told me she was adhd put on ridlen. then they said it was behavioural. she is threaten to kill herself. and running away. i live in canada and not sure where to turn to next.
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I suggest you got to www.bpkids.org This organization deals specifically with pediatric bipolar through education, articles, online support groups,etc. There is a link to the Family Response Team where you can fill out an online form and someone will contact you to help get you on the right track to helping your child and your family.
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just a further suggestion, you may want to look at a book called the ByPolar Workbook - should be abale to find it on Amazon or the like. I thought it was very informative for someone trying to learn about BP.
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I can relate very well to what you've written; I have a beautiful 23 year old son who has schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type & is very resistant to medication. He and our family have been on this 'journey' for over 3 years now. He was an all-around happy & healthy boy all the way thru high school and started getting symptoms after his year in Israel., which often occurs at this age. Altho this differs from your story, the shock & heartache are overwhelming & probably universal for parents. I admire your strength and being proactive; I also need to get more support for myself & the family. I agree with what you said about strengthening your emuna and looking to G-d for comfort and hope. It's a constant challenge and test. Thank you for writing. With best wishes for blessings and mazel and continued strength.
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I have a 20 years old son that was diagnosed with BP disorder at the end of Febraury. His manic episodes occured mainly because he couldn't sleep for days because he was in a stressful situations. He is taking 40 drops a day of a product called "life essence" which is a food suplemnt that can help people to have a balnce in their body and brain. He is also taking one medicine for mood control and so far he is doing well. He has started Psychotherapy and my wife and I will do too. According to our neurologist and our psychiatrist, this therapy can change the way he think to avoid either manic and depression states. Praying every day is also very important in our lifes asking G to keep our son healthy.
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As politely as I can say...you don't know what you are speaking about. I would of said something like you...years ago.. When not sane their eyes switch and they are not THEM anymore. I know it is from lack of knowledge from which you speak but frankly then DONT SPEAK. Again, until it happened to us I would not of understood. As trite as this sounds you would not send someone with a heart attack or diabetes to there room. Chemicals in the BRAIN are just that.
Debbie I know you from online and your article was amazing.
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Thank you very much, I appreciate it. I am not sure who you are, but email me privately if you wish.
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I was moved by your story. A life on a perpetual roller coaster, never sure when the big dips are coming! We too have been challenged by mental health in our family- a situation that I have never adjusted too whenever I think that I am O.K. I realize that I am vulnerable and fragile in the wake of uncertainty. Mental health is a silent disease that leaves us feeling isolated at times because we have no one to share with.Our experience is that extended family do not provide support, not because they do not care but because they have no understanding of the day to day emotional struggles that leave us at times so drained and deplited. Remarks such as ' we would be more strict, create more bounderies' leave us feeling insecure about out parenting skills, but awaere that we are not parenting a 'normal' child.An added confusion is some days are really good and we wonder if it has been a fabricated story on our part. Lastly the drain on the siblings is huge!
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My oldest son age 19 was recently diagnosed with BP2 D.O. It took me since last february to get him any kind of help.....There are no words do describe any of this. My too inteligent, too gifted, too kind, first born is someone else now.
Well, the adventures continue in life. My second son has Type 1 diabetes since he was 3yr. He is now almost 18yr. Weve lived in rural Alaska with many of the usual challenges. This medical condition is complicated by the fact that other services are needed however not easily afforded or available.
Another new learning curve......
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I felt heartbroken and reassured reading your story. I am Bipolar. I saw four different mental health professionals before one finally decided to fight the rule against diagnosing adolescents and children with bipolar. Until he could get my diagnosis approved, I couldn't get my medication. I feel the terror in your writing, and I am proof that there really is hope. If you can help him make it to adulthood, he can not only survive BUT THRIVE from there on. I am a wife and mother who is working on my psychology degree. I have seen many people succumb to the feeling of being alone and crazy. If you always let him know that no matter how crazy he may feel, that he isn't alone, he will be able to learn to love himself. That is the biggest challenge for bipolars, we have to remember to love ourselves first. Help him love himself and he will one day be able to love others with a fierceness that cannot be matched easily.
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