As my sisters, my boyfriend, my friends and my students rallied to help me cope with physical illness, my mind was being warped by something more insidious. Realizing that I would live the rest of my life as a disabled person, I started to wonder whether or not life was worth living...
24 Comments Posted
I am also a convert, and yes there is a point at which I've said, it's not Jewish (to do whatever) , and the only way to go is to keep doing mitzvos, the only way to stay sane. They are our connection to G-d, and once we're connected, anything can happen! Thank you for sharing this with us.
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As a Jew by Choice, I have run the "it's not Jewish to do ..." through my mind on occasion. However, after many years of therapy and countless meds to change my moods, etc., I have discovered that maturity, Prozac, and a lot of G-d has made me overcome most of the not nice things life can offer.
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I just wanted to write and commend your courage and your honesty. My mother was mentally ill, and killed herself when I was a teenager - nothing has ever been the same since, and I've spent more of my life without her than I did with her. I regret so much that I didn't know what she was going through - and I will pray for you to remain always consciously aware of the loving protection of Hashem.
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It is important that people come out of the closet about the effects of physical issues on our mental wellbeing and about people who may look "normal" but have disabilities of all types. It is also important that mental illness and its affects be discussed in traditional Judaism, rather than having them swept under the carpet. Depression is a chemical imbalance and religion or therapy alone cannot cure it without getting the chemicals rebalanced with medical treatment. The jewish community needs to be more open about mental illness and its debilitating effect.
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Thank You for writing this I know u have helped many others by revealing your story. May You always have that strength in yourself and G-d's help.
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I appreciate your openness and honesty. I too have a mother who was is manic depressive and unsuccessfully tried to kill herself a number of times. The struggle to grow up healthy in such an environment is tremendous. It was very strengthening to hear your struggles as well. Thanks so much for sharing and may you give strength to all those who share in your story
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Thank You for writing this. Baruch Hashem, Thank G-d i came across this article today. I was struggling with suicidal thoughts (G-d forbid) your article refocuses my commitment to accept with confidence whatever is coming, and what has been. :-)
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i want to know how you are doing now?
i am struggling just as you.
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Dear Aliza,
I am amazed by the fact that if you do a search for Orthodox Jewish Mental Health Centers, very few entries emerge. I am also struck by the fact that the Frum websites relating to mental health relate to eating disorders. I am certain that there is a stigma involved here, and that the silence must be broken by people who are as courageous as you. Yashar Koach. Best wishes always.
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Thanks for this article! I was born with a body that never worked completely right, and the older i got the more stuff went wrong - the worse things got, always weak and unable to keep up. With all the stuff that is wrong with me which there is no way to fix or heal it, death is the only way to end the pain and misery and sickness. The main thing / reason that has stopped me from suicide is that G-D wouldn't forgive me. From day to day i struggle to survive the boredom of living - being home-bound , chronic pain, etc... What is there to live for? i can't do anything for anyone else, but need some one to take care of me.
WHY?? why must i suffer??? i don't forget there is always some one worse off than myself, but why do we have to suffer sooo much???
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I strongly suggest you read Viktor Frankl's classic, "Man In Search of Meaning." He describes his experience as a psychologist in a concentration camp, where people suffered enormous pain, both psychological and physical. Those who survived were those who found meaning--both meaning in life and meaning in the pain.
Yes, pain has meaning as well. Pain cleanses the soul. Pain can lift a person to a place where she no longers identifies with her body, but with her soul.
And the pain is temporary--only in this temporal life. The benefits are for eternity.
You should also read: <co:link aid="481197">Coping With Pain</co:link>.
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Thanks for the info. And for the reminder email. I had received the one that told me of your reply but at the time i had company and couldn't take time to read it, then i forgot about it :) till today when i checked my email again. And i do understand about finding a reason to go on, and i do each time the depression gets me down bad, somehow i overcome and stay alive. Going to church used to help when my daughter was little and i was raising her, but being in chronic pain constantly all the time and not feeling needed by anyone is really hard to keep going or to find meaning in life. BUT i keep trying, i don't want my Everlasting Father to be mad at me :)
But still i have no answer as to why HE allows us to suffer so much.
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. You were not born to suffer like this. I'm not sure where you live, but I am sure that there are some people who would love to be your friend, a rabbi or cantor who could come visit, a psychiatrist who may be able to help you in a medical way, some nice hobbies you could enjoy. And who knows what else? I know things can get better for you. I know you think they can't, but they can. The fact that you wrote to this website and signed with your full name means that you really want to be heard and recognized. Well, you are, by me and others on this website. Most of all, G-d is hearing you and recognizing you. I am going to pray for you tonight. Please write back and let your Chabad online friends know how you are doing!
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...for the people in your life that care about you. I don't have the family backing as you do, my phone does not ring no matter how bad it gets for me in my depression, and I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing with my life...and that of my daughter (who is young). Noone seems to care. Everyone's priority is their own family and we are always second fiddle. We should not be here, in life, or so it seems god is telling us. Notice i did not capitalize god.
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Your life story is a mirror to my life story. The abuse, the depressed mother, the fear of becoming my mother, the conversion to Judaism, the onset of a physical illness that fills me with pain, to the depression and the want to die.
I found your message while searching for the jewish views and laws on suicide. I found a mixture of information, but you sharing your story is the first thing I've read that really connected with me. I can't say you've saved my life,(not yet), but you've given me more than enough reason to fight the fight of depression and the illness that has me in so much pain.
Thank you
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Cindy---Please try to get some help for yourself with the depression whether it be talking to a spiritual advisor/rabbi/rebbitzen or a mental health professional or even your family doctor.
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Thank you both for your concern.
I wanted to let you know that I am in treatment for my depression and in contact with my rabbi. It's just been an exceptionally hard week. Hopefully, I will pull myself out of the depths, as I know it's up to me to find meaning to life. My counselor is aware how I feel and we are doing what is needed to try and change thingsl.
I wasn't trying to worry anyone or get attention. I simply wanted Aliza to know I found hope in her story.
thank you for the replies.
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I am not Jewish... well, not a practicing Jew. I am what many may call "ethnically Jewish, but non-practicing." I was not raised with this part of myself being widely known.
However, your story has given me a bit of hope. Hope that I haven't felt in quite some time. Thank you.
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I just wanted to let you know, from the perspective of a carer... the L-rd blessed me by allowing me to care for my husband when he was chronically ill and bed bound.
It's a hard thing to express, but you mustn't think you are a burden to others. You are a blessing, and the L-rd loves you.
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I did not want to be since a very small child and had deep dark depressions I can remember since 8. I thought of suicide often and had plans but never dared carry them out fearing I'm mess up and live with brain damage, or be paralized. I also thought of the anguish of friends and family. Well into my 40's I struggled with suicidal thoughts. One day I sat and prayed and told G-d that I did not think I could resist these urges anymore. The answer I got was quiet. It was "You do not want death, you want peace". Since then I looked at my life to see what was robbing my peace and addressed that issue. I am finally no longer suicidal. I am living a life with HaShem and Torah and have great joy in my life. Hope this helps someone.
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Suicide runs in families, so the research says. When I began to have thoughts of killing myself, I thought,"Well this is how it"s supposed to turn out." I kept thinking of my father's suicide and how it seems so unexplainable, so unexpected, and well, "Wierd." But all of a sudden it made sense. Whal also made sense was that needed to make that call for help. I knew suicidewasn't a Jewish thing to do. But then again, my father did it. My Jewish psychiatrist, gave me pills...immediately.In a week, the cloud lifted...it was probably the "Jewish' thing to do: a little kvetching, a little chicken soup (oh wait, it was a pill) and there I'm OK. But, research says it does run in families. I have to just remember to refill those hoappy pills.
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Thank you so much for posting this. i also am a religious jew suffering from major depressive disorder. I feel that in the frum comunity it is a stigma...so i am so glad you posted this. It gives other people who sufffer from depression and other disorders strenght and make them feel that they are not alone. Also, it shows you are not ashamed.
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I refuse to see that things will get so bad that I can't handle it. When I start to realize my weakness, I avoid saying "I can't" and just think to myself "it's G-d's turn to take over for a while". Surviving a car crash more than twenty years ago, which left me paralyzed for two years, I Thank G-d learned to walk, talk, eat and do things again that most take for granted. Each time I have a child, I am wheelchair bound for months at a time. Thank G-d I have two legs. Now working as an Admissions Supervisor for a mental health clinic in Pompano, Thank G-d I can support my family. With G-d's help, I volunteer at the library to help other people express their pain through art. With every step, it is not me but Hashem is strong.
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Years ago, I wrote this. Reading it now feels reading about a stranger. My physical illness has bettered & worsened: 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. I found great doctors after dozens of awful ones. The onset of chronic illness/disability often goes together with depression. I may always suffer from pain that will affect the way I "walk, talk, eat & do things most take for granted." I am less Miss Independent. I appreciate & am thankful for daily help. I turned illness into a writing/speaking career & finally took care of myself after years of taking care of others, though I still help others however I can. Depression was not my mother's illness but the difference was how I dealt with “mental illness”: head-on, despite great stigma. No one mocks you or calls you weak for a cold or flu. I WAS lucky. I asked for help from the right person (there are SO many wrong ones, often including some family and friends). I also accepted help, more than pills. And that has made all the difference.
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