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By Noa Kaufman
| We saw more doctors and underwent more invasive tests, all with the same conclusion: IVF was our only option...
10 Comments Posted
Congratulations on the birth of your precious miracle. I've been where you were. I, too, struggled with infertility and after many rounds of less invasive treatments, decided to do IVF. I believe G-d gave my doctors the knowledge and desire to help me, and other women like us, become mothers of the body as well as of the heart.
We, too, transferred four embryos and on the day following Yom Kippur, found out that I was pregnant. Ten days later and the news was even better than ever expected. There was not one, not even two, but three babies growing inside me! Although delivered prematurely, my life is filled with joy as I care for these precious bundles which G-d has entrusted to my care. It seems like just yesterday I brought them home from the hospital and now they are five years old and starting Kindergarten in a few weeks.
May your child bring you much joy throughout your life.
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How blessed to be able to carry such a beautiful fruit to completion. I'm an OB/NICU nurse, I had many difficulties of my own, and finally G-d blessed me with the most fantastic child. She is my light in such a controversial world. Now at 25, she looks forward to starting her family, and worries that she too will be greeted by obsticles. I see all kinds of women having children everyday, children they don't want, or do want, drug addicts who abuse their bodies and their unborns. It is hard not to judge, and harder even not to ask why it's so easy for those who could care less for the life they carry, especially when there are those who pray for those precious lives. Blessings upon you for sharing your story.
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I read this almost hesistantly. As a nominal Jew (not religious), I am sometimes impressed by the essays on this site, and read them periodically. However, as much as this article is triumphant for you (and not to detract from the wonder and miracle that happened in your case), the implied idea that a baby only comes to those who pray enough or who are "religious" enough concerns me greatly. There are so many devout, religious Jewish women with integrity who desperately want children and for whom is does not happen.
What do you say to those women? How does an article like this make them feel?? I am close friends with a Hasidic religious woman who is currently childless after 12 years of trying to have a baby through multiple methods. My heart breaks for her and I worry how she would feel if she were to read this.
I just get very wary of the "if you pray hard enough it will happen mentality" because I think it can be destructive and hurtful to many.
My 2 cents.
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G-d has a plan for all of us, and no matter what our desires are, it is His that will come to fruition. Why should we not pray, this is our way of talking to and praising Him. And sometimes what we receive is not what we pray for, but what He sends us, we just have to recognize what that special blessing is.
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So, if things will happen according to His predetermined will, why pray? Is G-d so insecure that He needs us to constantly praise Him? No, of course not. Prayer is not to MAKE things happen.
The point I was trying to make is this. If it was G-d's will for this woman to have a child, it would have happened regardless. We have no power to change His will. This essay implies that her fervent nature and prayer caused her eventual good fortune. But, as you stated verbatim, "G-d has a plan for all of us, and no matter what our desires are, it is His that will come to fruition." Therefore, when it does not, reading this kind of post makes many feel badly that their prayer did not work whereas someone else's did. Prayer cannot make things happen that are not in G-d's plan. This essay makes me feel that the author feels differently.
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G-d is our parent. He guides us, loves us unconditional no matter what we do. Why should we not praise Him? Are we so independent to ourselves that we don't need Him? When YOU decide that you finally need Him in your life, He will listen, because He loves us so much. It is because of that love that He gives science the technology to do IVF and so many other things that help us. You read way more into people's staements than are there, it makes me feel as that you have an anger issue, sorry, but that's what you're portraying. Until you've been in my situation, or this author's situation, you shouldn't cast stones. Do you speak to your parents on earth? I hope so, life is fleeting, when they're gone, who do you have but Hashem, why shouldn't we praise Him, He's awesome, makes so much that others say is impossible, possible. As far as plans for our lives, yes, I believe He is in the driver's seat, but often we rebell and go our own way. It's up to us to prove that we need Him
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Hmmm. Forgive me, but I think it is clearly YOU who assume way too much. Indeed I have been in those very shoes you assume I have not been in. I have had 5 miscarriages---so please do not make assumption on that which you have no knowledge of. Thank you.
Another assumption about me I take offense to is your assumption that I feel I do not need G-d? So only if I am Orthodox like you am I someone who feels they "Need G-d in their life"?? Please !!!!! If your really feel like that, I feel sorry for you.
As it pertains to the rest of your comments, I am not an angry person at all. Maybe you are transferring your own anger? The only anger I have is towards those who believe that only their belief system is right and everyone else's is wrong. You seem to have that belief, and so my point is this. G-d is all powerful and all-knowing and our lives are indeed predetermined. I am not saying it is not good to pray. But I am saying that the implication that it the PRAYER itself doing wonders is less accurate than the belief that it is G-d Himself. Subtle difference maybe, but an important distinction to me. And one I am not sure you quite understand.
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Your quote, not mine :)"I am not saying it is not good to pray. But I am saying that the implication that it the PRAYER itself doing wonders is less accurate than the belief that it is G-d Himself. "
No I am not Orthodox, I have lost 3 infants, one at term, all boys, all with brain anomylies passed by my husband, our blessing from G-d is our daughter, however, He blessed me with these losses to help other women. And as far as angry, you have no idea, my anger left me in my 20s, I'm in my 50's and have no need for anger.
Reflect, look into yourself. This is all I said, you took it very personally, and in the wrong way. One must check their own house first. I've done this in my life, it helped me make numerous changes. When offered advice, one should never spit in the face of the advisor. I come from a long line of Rebbes, their knowledge and translations are invaluable. As a young person I rebelled against alot of it, now that I'm older I understand more than most. Take care.
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My story is told as it happened, with no intention to imply anything about what one can "do" to have children, just the details of the circumstances of our particular situation. What I have learned in my life (I currently help facilitate a fertility support group) is that each one of us is sent specific challenges.... our prayer to G-d helps strengthen our connection with our Creator. It's not about praying so that "we get what we ask for"--it's about reaching out for support from the One who sent the trial. That's how I understand it.
Yes, there are stories about women who weren't Observant of certain mitzvah's, for example, they start going to the Mikvah, and become pregnant. Or the moving story told in The Bamboo Cradle... of a couple who adopt a non-Jewish baby... and only years later (I think it was 12 years after they were married, four years after the adoption) when their daughter was officially converted according to Jewish Law, that they suddenly became pregnant and had... four naturally conceived children in the ensuing years.
Yes, there are many stories that can imply that if we make an effort in the spiritual realm, it will have the desired outcome. For a couple who are already religious, the movement, the growth in spiritual directions may be different than the non-Observant couple.... but for everyone the common factor is: the test is very difficult, we are only human and we want children! Our human emotional responses are unique to our particular way of being in this world.... no one can know for sure why the test was sent to them.... We cannot control what happens to us, we can influence how we decide to respond.
Should we adopt? Should we be involved with children (like teaching) in other ways? Should we try every possible medical intervention? Should we try every alternative medicine option? Should we be barren and bitter? Should we reach out to support others in similar circumstances that we understand?
G-d is available to all of us, He cares about all of us, and for reasons we cannot usually fathom, He knows why we need this difficult, painful test in our lives. I never intended my article to imply "be like me, be religious", and everything will work out fine. To this day, decades after what I wrote about here, I am still in awe that the treatment worked at all. Why it had to be that route... only G-d knows. We pray in order to strengthen our connection. The results are not in our hands.
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To Noa,
Thank you for sharing your story. It was beautiful and it touched my heart.
I am over 40 years old with no children only because I waited for the right man. Now it may be too late. I cry a lot. I feel in my heart that if G-d feels it should be, it will happen.
G-d bless you and your family.
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