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By Kelly Rae
| I awoke suddenly with a strange feeling of dread. Momentarily I felt as if I could not move my legs and it began to dawn on me. I had been raped...
24 Comments Posted
This is the most graceful testament of faith I have ever read. I have tears in my eyes as I read this piece, which is a beautiful gift to the Chabad audience. May Asher's memory be an eternal blessing to all.
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She is certainly a strong woman, have going through so tramatise incident, did not seek to abort or give away and unfortunately her hope were dash of losing Asher. Asher has gone to a place of eternal blessing.
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Thank you for expressing so beautifully what I felt but could not write for myself. I am the mother of two stillborn children who would be 23 and 17 with 4 living siblings.
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Very moving story. I was relieved to read the bio and see that the author is a proud mother of a nineteen year old daughter.
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I was a new 19 year old resident of Manhattan when I was raped after being drugged by a photographer. Fortunately I suffered a miscarriage. I could not have been as brave as Kelly Rae. I wanted to commit suicide to destroy the rapist child I harbored. Since I was Catholic at the time, a kindly priest saw me through the ordeal. It is said that Hashem never gives us a test which He feels we cannot pass. Today I am the blessed mother of six. I have never mourned and never will for my first pregnancy.
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Unless you have gone through the agony of losing a child, it is impossible to really 'know' how horrid it is. I am so sorry that you have had these losses.
I hope that this article did not bring up too many painful memories for you but instead strengthened your faith in Ha'Shem and His promises for the future. it is what we must hold on to.....
It took me 24 years to be able to put down in words my thoughts...yet they were there every day.
Shalom,
Kelly Rae
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thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. We are all glad you found the strength to write about this very personal part of you.
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As a single mother of an almost 11 year old daughter, I sometimes think to myself "Why us?" Why can't we catch a "break"? Why does life have to be so hard for us, but easier for others?
I then remember that everythinng happens for a reason. G-d has a plan for us all. This is what he wants for me. I am sort of glad that my life is as "hard" as it is. My daughter will then have the tools she needs to make it in the world, because she is experiencing the hardships with me. Whenever "bad" things happend to us, our eyes are opened to how lucky we actually are to have what we do have- which is each other and love. Along with good health, that's all we really need, isn't it?
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This article makes on appreciate the small problems one has to endure each day. And this woman's bravery to endure an attack, to continue a pregnancy, and then to lose the baby. I wish this lady a Refuah, recovery, for her pain, and I hope that she was able to pick up the pieces and rebulid her life. I admire her courage, and faith in G-d! We all should follow her courageous example. And May she only have blessings for now on. WE all are pulling for you!
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Mama,
I am glad you sent me this. I love you and I understand and appreciate the heartache that still lingers. Thank you for always being there for me no matter what.
I love you.
Always,
Chelle
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Faith is sometimes the only thing we have left at times. This is an inspirational story. I'm lucky to have had the privelage to read it. Thankyou for being so brave in sharing it Kelly Rae
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you are trully incredible!what bravery and self growth.it seems so unbearable and you made it through. please give us the happy ending-of your life now. only happiness,
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Thank you for sharing a truly deep and soul wrenching story. G-d has blessed you with love, amazing fortitude and a gift to help others. Shalom.
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the same thing happened to my lovely little girl, the only thing that as different was i was lucky enough to have my family around me. it happened in 2006 i had the same as you, but even now i can not face up to what happened. You are a very brave and strong lady.. and i hope that one day that i might have as much courage as you.
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You will, Tracy, you will. It takes a heap of faith and a lot of time. I am so sorry.
Kelly
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I would like to wish everyone a wonderful new year.. thank you for listening..
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If you need to get in touch with someone to speak with, first contact your rabbi. Then, if you feel you need a woman to correspond with regarding this, you may ask the editor of this magazine, Rebbitzen Sara Esther Crispe for my e-mail address and she will put us in touch.
Seek out the guidance of your Rebbitzen at home. She will know other women with similar losses to yours, I am sure. Talking with those who have 'been there' as you have, as long as it is on a spiritual level, will be the very perfect balm for your aching nephesh (soul) right now. You need to cling close to Ha'shem (G-d) during this time. Ha'shem knows you need other spiritual women to be around. Ask and he will make sure they are there for you.
May every tear of sadness you have now eventually turn into a river of joy.
Kelly
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It was an heart to heart talk, it was as though u were talking mylife. I have expereince 3 still borns but my faith in the L-RD has given me the strenght to live. I have failth on day The L-RD will bless me too.
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I too hope that you will be blessed with a child soon. I had thought that if I could not have a child of my own I would certainly consider adopting someday. I was blessed 5 years later with a beautiful daughter - born 2-months early, but B"H she is now a young married woman.
This seems to be a sad story but in reality it shows how faith in our true deliverer can lead us through even the darkest times.
Kelly
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I am 18 years old and recently gave birth to a baby boy in April. I too was a victim of rape by my now ex boyfriend. I looked forward to being a mother, even though I was scared. However, Tovi Isiah as I called him, died a few hours after he was born. I do not know what went wrong. I was robbed of my precious little boy, who I got to hold only once.
Now he is buried, and I mourn the loss of my firstborn child, my son.
Your story is much like mine, I understand how you feel about the loss of your own child too. Losing a child is something no one should feel.
I hope you will be blessed with another child to ease your pain for the one you lost.
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My heart hurts for you as you endure this horrific pain. You say your loss was recent. Chaya if you feel as if you are going crazy, do not feel alone. Any of us who have lost children feel as if we are going mad from time to time for a year. Yes, a year. An entire cycle. You will mourn his loss on every day that he is not there and especially the month before his birth/death you will need to reach out to others that have experienced a similar loss as they will understand. Tovi Isiah is a very beautiful name. Is someone saying Kaddish for him? If not, I want you to know that I said it for my son. Every day and then every year on his yarheitz. It is a comfort, although it is difficult to get through without crying for quite some time. Tears are cleansing, so do not hold back. If you ever feel the need to email just to 'vent' you may contact me through the Editor of this wonderful magazine.
I have one daughter who is now married, 21, and will have a baby in Oct. B"H. Leeba
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I ... dont know where to start. My name is tracy and have spoke before about my stillborn with you,s . I have mislead yous and i am sorry..not about my story but my g-d.i am a belever in g-d, but i am not of your faith... yet you,s where the only people,s that answered me in my time of need...i dont care which faith or which country, i just want to know that when i go that it will be me and the baby.. together again??
I dont even care how it happens once we are at peace together..I hope that it will be like one blinding flash, the most perfect moment caught in time..
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I apologise for not seeing your comment, dear Tracy. I just moved from AU to the States. All Jewish people have something they say as part of our prayers called "Shema” Translated it means, "Hear, O Israel: the Lord is our G-d, the Lord is One." This is undoubtedly the same G-d that you believe in, Tracy. Please do not feel as if you have been deceptive. I am sorry for your pain. As for wanting to know where you baby is, that is perfectly natural. I am sure you know of the Torah's many references to a resurrection. In fact, Maimonides’ 13th and final principle of Jewish faith has to do with the resurrection of the dead. Please also read the following article written by our editor and this too will help build your faith "The Empty Sac" It is in this section.
Tracy, again I apologise for not responding sooner. Please know that peace and healing will come - when Moshiach comes.
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I know of you from when I was living in Sydney. I remember how you loved to be with other families yet you did not have one of your own. I remember your delight when you announced the marriage of your own daughter. I am now remembering how I told you that I had recently lost twins at 12 weeks and you cried with me and cradled me in the shul and took me to your sister's house. You were so kind to me and I will not forget this. All you asked was that someday I would pass on the comfort and strength that you gave so freely to me. I will not forget you.
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