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By Mimi Notik
| This guy is acting as if I am a separate creation. As if I have nothing to take personally. He is effacing my gender. The lack of embarrassment is startling...
60 Comments Posted
This girl is so beautifully sensitive-She should only have the merit to find her soulmate in a man who values her in every way-She is way too refined for the typical college guy and should be sitting in first class all her life!
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Great essay. It expresses something lots of us young women feel but don't feel entitled to express. It would be interesting to know more about the author.
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I am curious to know how the writer feels about how women are objectified in women's magazines, and if she thinks twice about what a boy in her vicinity might catch a glimpse of when she is flipping through almost any periodical, not to mention how many (most?) women dress today?
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I surely wish to honor the young woman's feelings and her discomfort. What is lacking, however, is an explanation as to why this young woman did not do as many women might have done in her place: namely, quickly tell the young man that the magazine was objectionable.
The belief that this particular men's magazine is all about the objectifying women is not exactly accurate, although this is clearly part of the content. I believe that it would be more accurate to say that it is merely a logical extension of the material, secularlist philosophy that is common in our nation.
I wonder what purpose is served by suffering silently and not making an impact by communicating a rebuke to an insensitive young man, who by his nature and poor training is in need of correction.
It is not the author's job in life to train the poorly trained and insensitive. Rather, she needs to protect herself and I can't help feeling that an opportunity was lost by saying nothing.
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You are only an object if you view yourself as an object. He did not take your innocence away. You are not a victim. It is important as a female that you take responsibility for your actions. You peeked as perverse as his magazine maybe or his whole being for that matter. You let him into your space. As a young woman you must take control of your life and be responsible for what you see and what you do.It is sad that the media has commercialized women to the extent that they have. Women get caught up in trying to become what they have set the standards for. But it all boils down to YOU and who YOU are. Nobody takes anything from you unless you let them. This is the reason women become victims. They think they do not have choices. You had a choice to look or not to look. Curiosity got you. Not the boy. There will be many boys and many things in your life that you have to make choices with.It is up to YOU how you view them. That is strength . G-D will always give you a choice.
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Come on!!!! Men's Health is not pornography. It is a magazine designd and intended to address men's health concerns. It is not vulgar, rude and it wasn't about YOU. Tznius has gone overboard and is crippling humanity and your ability to see the person (not the MAN) sitting next to you. This level of tznius is a catalyst for judgment of the other. This guy was probably not even Jewish and you're holding him to some Jewish standard to which he is not even bound. That's critical judgment.
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Reading that made me feel so sad. I would like to say this is an isolated incident. To make things worse, this young man may not even find this material offensive. It's not openly "hating women" or pornography. It demeans women, objectifies them to the point that this young man doesn't even know a real woman when he sees one.
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Get over it! This is the secular world, and people live with blinders on. One needs to learn to tune things out.
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This article really hit a raw nerve, I feel like this all the time and feel fustrated that no one else sees the problem. Thank you for sharing your views, the article made me feel like there is others out there who see what I see.
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Dear Mimi,
Great article; very honest and well written.
Once upon a time, many years ago, I got a much desired job as a radio news anchor at an all young guy progressive rock station. I was the first woman to work on air at the station. There were a lot of pictures from men's "health" magazines prominently taped all around the announcers room. Very matter of factly I informed the guys that I didn't want to look at their pictures. I didn't say more, the pix came down. Many guys, (sorry), are clueless. They need to be told, sweetly, if possible.
I've learned over the years that the sky won't fall if I take up my own space, or if I speak up when I have to. Sweetly, if possible.
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When I was only 12 I had to endure something similar; sitting next to a man on a coach while I was on a family holiday. He was in his 30s 'reading' for a long long time page 3 of the English newspaper The Sun. This page always has a picture of a topless girl/woman on it. I can still feel my embarrassment many years on, and I was sure at the time that he was revelling in his male 'power' and control over the situation.
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This essay completely embodies the very same frustrations---and pain---I feel quite frequently as a college-age female, as a woman in our shameless, "everything is permissible to me" society. I applaud Mimi Notik and definitely want to see more from her in the future.
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Beautifully written, and surely resonates with many.
However, the female side of this is not an innocent victim- women have long objectified themselves by wearing clothing that reveals private body parts. Men are not such exhibitionists.
In the professional world, I have never seen a male colleague have three buttons open, revealing a third way down the chest. They don't wear ties, but they are dressed, in a business like fashion.
Yet women who would like to think of themselves as intellectuals have no problem revealing areas that are clothed by undergarments. It's embarrasing, and it's objectifying.
None of the men I work with wear tightly fitted pants- it would be ridiculous for their legs to be on show in that way. And yet, women wear tightly fitted slacks, showing every nook and wrinkle of their legs' topography.
We scream: don't objectify, I am more than a body. And then, we parade our body for all the world to see. Actions speak louder than words.
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Wonderfully expresses the feelings I also have had on an airplane.... response to M... I don't think the poet was defending these women's magazines!
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It seems a great many men have to make a conscious effort to realise that a woman is a human being. Left to their own devices, many men miss out on humanity. How could we let them grow up that way?
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This is a very moving piece, but I have to express my feelings of "effacing my gender" when religious men treat me like I'm carrying the plague. It's objectification simply in a different manner. They avoid their eyes, refuse to sit next to me on a plane/bus, and won't pass objects to me. In more extreme cases (I live in Israel), we walk on different sides of the street!) I just wish their was a middle ground. Seems like no culture knows how to just treat women as people and not sex objects.
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I can not relate to this feeling at all, and thank G-d that my parents raised me with a healthy attitude towards myself as a woman. It makes me sad that she would feel this way, you only feel like an object because you view yourself as an object. I shudder at the thought that my daughters should ever have such a lack of confidence and esteem that seeing a photo of a scantily clad woman would effect them like this. I hope the author will grow into a strong, confident, intelligent and spirtual woman - and begin to define herself as something more than a body.
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I defy you to walk in the shoes of a man and try to compete emotionally with the ego of a young fertile woman. What if he wanted to love you? Would you even give him the time of day?
Not only do women objectify men, but they also act in such a way as to deem themselves immune to male criticism. How easy it is for you to kvetch against men! Is it any surprise we sometimes wish you to be seen and not heard?
The reason why you feel objectified is because you are an object. But it's not as simple as you'd like it to be. Young men, worldwide, have discovered that young women consistently manipulate and reject men because women see their "objects" as beautiful (and therefore superior). And they are treated like princesses for it.
Try being a man. Use your G-d-given sense of empathy....
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oh, how beautifully written. I really loved the part where she noted that as soon as he opened the magazine, she became an object. Just lovely.
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It doesn't mean that because men look at immodestly dressed women that they only see women at all times as "objects."
Many other things determine the relationship men and women have with each other.
It's a choice for men as well as for women that women appear immodestly to arouse and men choose to look for the sake of arousal.
We have to be taught to appreciate and respect each other. Men can learn to understand and appreciate how women view family. Women can learn to appreciate how men desire supportive love, not caring love. Women may try to help men at times as if they were other women.
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Why does such feminist propoganda get posted on this website that I go to get my spirituality. The whole world does not revolve around this young woman. Not to mention that one should not let their eyes drift to where eyes should not see. You were given a right eye to see good. The left eyes see only if they are looking for something. Don't look and then condemn this man for your lack of self control. A little shame. A religious girl should not put her weak moments on display for the whole world to see.
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Sadly, women today have allowed men to turn them into objects. The way women dress these days just shows that they no longer value themselves. It makes me so sad to be in Tel Aviv and see little 12 year old girls dressed like streetwalkers. The bottom line is that we are doing this to ourselves. The guy in the essay was doing nothing wrong. He sounds like just another "all american" guy doing what guys like to do.
I'm glad the author of the essay still has her sensitivity. It's all too easy to lose it in America (and other places) today.
And to the lady who is insulted that men don't want to sit next to her I would like to say that I am THRILLED that religious men don't sit next to me on the bus. There's nothing more uncomfortable than that. Let them go home and sit next to their wives and look deep into their wives' eyes. Not strangers on the street or bus.
There is no happy medium with men, I don't think, and the Torah recognizes that.
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We are above that. We are dignified. We respect privacy. We have a cocept called tznius. Why are we giving into this culture? Why are we letting ourselves discuss our inner feelings in the open?
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This boy didn't take anything away from YOU, he didn't even notice you. I completely understand your point about the way women are portrayed in the media and magazines, but I think you're overreacting. Men's Health is a normal magazine, just like I wouldn't think twice about reading a Women's magazine in the airplane, and that would have all the same pictures too.
Also it seems that you view the boy as an object as well, because you always refer to him as "boy" and seems that you view him very much as a _Male_ rather than as a person. I'm sure he didn't mean to be disrespectful and if it bothered you you could've just said something - being a woman does not mean that you can't speak up for yourself.
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The writer should take a good long look at magazines aimed at women. They definetely portray women as objects for men as many of the subject matters are obsessed with diet (showing anorexic women as role models), fashion.... I'd like to give the writer the following advice concerning air travel next time: take along a suduko puzzle book; you'll become so absorbed in it that you won't be able to pay attention to what your neighbor is reading.
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I'm of two minds. Mind One: Those magazines are horrible in their portrayal and objectification of women, and I'm sad that they're published, let alone that people pay to read them. I hope that this man was actually reading an article, and annoyed at the article's interruption by pictures. I've read articles that fascinated me, and which also were bordered by pictures I wish I hadn't seen.
Mind Two: If you don't like what you're reading over someone's shoulder, there is a polite solution, which is to courteously look elsewhere. Perhaps open a book or magazine of your own.
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The funny thing about it is that the man was probably reading the magazine just for the reviews on sporting equipment!
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I was frustrated by this article, not only by its chauvinism, and ignorance of men, but also by how many women see their opinion (that adult men, in their private lives, should see things in such a way that caters absolutely to a woman's ideals...) as the norm. I think that's pure arrogance. Not only do young women use their bodies to gain favor with men, but they believe men are supposed to feel guilty for taking notice?
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My opinion is that everyone is reading a bit too much into what the author wrote. I think she realizes that she could've looked elsewhere. She could've asked him to stop reading but would never have the audacity to do that. I don't think she has low self esteem and feels like and object.
I don't think she needs any advice on how she COULD HAVE handled it.
I think she just wrote an good piece on a subject she feels strongly about. And that subject is the objectification of women in this day and age.
And to the lady who feels like an object because certain men don't look at her - they do that because they DO NOT want women to be an object. They look at and sit next to their soulmates and noone else. That might make any wife feel kinda special, no? Maybe you are the one who has to work on your inner feelings of self worth?
I used to be insulted also when men wouldn't look at me. Now I understand that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.
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M:
I don’t pick up such magazines for that exact reason. Our magazines add to the problem, for sure - in fact, they make it possible! They show that we completely tolerate (no, embrace) this attitude towards women. And to see it coming from women scares me more…
David Freidman:
I thought to say something. A part of me regrets that I didn’t make some sort of comment, even a funny remark just to make him aware. But, deep down, maybe I didn’t feel right outwardly making someone face their indecency right in font of me. Also, I didn’t know if I could sit a whole flight next to someone I just chastised. Also, I had a right to my feelings, but to say something…? So, in the end, I just let it be.
Stacey:
While I agree with your basic point, this piece revolves around the idea that I was sitting an inch away from it, and the shock at someone else’s insensitivity and lack of basic awareness.
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Chana:
While I do write about my sense of shock with this particular young man, I repeat twice in the article that he is “just your average college guy” – hence, he’s not so different from the rest. No personal judgment, I assure you.
While I wonder about what the magazine is “intended for”, all I know is what I saw. Pornography? It may be too harsh a label for this particular magazine. However, who cares about the actual label or the severity? And what happens when we’re only outraged by the extreme things?
Also, modesty – at its root - never “cripples” anyone’s ability to see someone, in fact just the opposite. It’s obvious in this particular case that a lack of modesty is what made it impossible for two passengers to see each other.
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Anonymous (“get over it!”):
Get over it? What happens when we all take such a passive attitude to (even slight) corruption? Blinders on? Tune things out? When we’re forced to tune things out, we become callous. We are meant to feel, even (or especially) the negative or painful things.
Tuning things out would mean an end for all revolutions that try to add light and seek positive change in this world.
Anonymous (“Objectifying”):
What came first, the chicken or the egg? The way women dress today is a response to something – I don’t think we came up with it on our own, it’s certainly unnatural. There is a reason that men don’t walk around in form-fitting clothing. Why this is unique to women goes back to the story of Adam and Eve. However, you’re definitely right in that women should take a more combative role in ridding the world of such use of the female body, and the way we dress would be a big part of that.
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Karen:
Unfortunately, there are many who seem to have taken the Torah’s approach to modesty and twisted it, going to extremes that result in actions very far from the intended goal.
Tamar:
It wasn’t seeing the pictures that affected me. It was sitting side by side with its consumer. Having a healthy attitude of yourself as a woman doesn’t mean accepting how other people view or use the female body. In fact, I believe you’re more of a woman when you are distraught and, yes, affected, by such an encounter
Thanks everyone for the compliments, challenges, and overall insight. I wrote this response before seeing the most recent comments, and will write more soon.
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This is why we feel this way but don't always feel "entitled." Because people make assumptions.
Many of us are bothered by how members of our own sex represent us, in addition to how we're seen by men. However, in this day and age it's come to be regarded as old-fashioned to set boundaries, and I'm grateful to this writer for reminding us that there are still people in the world who observe them. Thank you.
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What a beautifully done piece! I like the single line statements which bring an element of poetry to the work. I also love the theme of how one person's actions can create a boundary between two people or can describe a boundary that already exists. The discomfort, the enclosed space, the things that we sometimes find out when we do come close to people (that there is a huge chasm of distance)...I really enjoyed this.
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It would have been nice ift the author could have said something about how uncomfortable the pictures made her, or asked her seat-mate to put them away as they offended her. What else could she have done or said to avoid feeling that she was being made into an object?
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Why is it considered "beautifully sensitive" to express your own feelings?
Why only in FIRST class you can get a respectful treatment? - Only because the person next to you will think that you have A LOT of money? That's how you earn respect????????????????
Yes, it's true that in many women's magazines you can see barely dressed models and diamond rings (the girl's best friend? - NOT after the movie "Blood diamond")
BUT it's changing!!!
And it's only YOUR choice to look through a magazine with half-naked girls and guys or to choose something else!
The question is: What will YOU choose?
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She is seeing an ugly motive where none exists, not even subconsciously... If he knew she was uncomfortable, I he'd probably have stopped. Was he reading pornography. No, just a silly, jazzy magazine that, one day, with G-d's help, he'll be able to see the light.
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How is it we're all sure the guy didn't know he was making Mimi uncomfortable and enjoying that?
And, one cannot always avoid seeing things one is confronted with unexpectedly, e.g. magazine covers displayed on newstands, porn-sites left on one's computers or one's hotel-room tvs.
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The unavoidable close proximityto seat-mates is an air and bus travel reality. It has its difficulties, as anyone who travels knows. I do not believe I have the right to tell the complete stranger I am sitting next to what he--or she--should or shouldn't be reading. Nor does that stranger have the right to tell me. However, I have choices:
I don't have to look to see what the stranger next to me is reading. If there are any empty seats, I can ask to change my seat. Most important--I make sure that I always bring something with me to read.
If the person sitting next to me was eating a non-kosher meat meal, and I was eating my kosher meal--would I tell him the smell of non-kosher meat was offensive, and request that he get rid of it?
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I have to disagree with m. silverman. There is no Jewish law that says you can't smell non-kosher food (In fact, some of it smells yum when wafting down the street), but there are restrictions against looking at immodest pictures.
Another thing, I would never bring something very offensive smelling to eat on a plane anyways out of common courtesy for fellow passengers. Likewise, I would never bring reading material that may offend another passenger. Its called etiquette. When cooped up on a plane, with no escape, I can understand why the author felt so violated and uncomfortable.
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To Anynymous above:
The guy didn't know that this reading material could've offended someone. It's a regular magazine sold in every store. I don't understand what you mean, since he had no way of knowing that his magazine was offensive.
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To "anonymous" who disagred with me--I commend you for your sensitivity. Since there are Jewish laws against looking at immodest pictures, one should not look at them!!! Mimi need not-- indeed, should not-- have been looking at what her seatmate, a stranger, was reading. I have observed frum people travelling on planes/trains/buses--totally immersed in the religious books they've brought with them. Paying no attention whatsoever to what the seatmate is reading--or doing. Their way of dealing with the unplesant realities of modern travel is the Jewish way--and far more fulfilling than indignation at
the reading materials of strangers. That man had the right to look at whatever he wanted to-- Mimi should not have looked at it with him.
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This is such an ever pressing thought for me. My daughter is just seven precious years old and this mindset of woman being nothing more then an object is more then disturbing. I believe that all mothers and fathers should strive to make their children aware of who they are, strong , humble, and daily filled with the Word of G--
I truly believe that more people should read this article, it would cause I hope for us to think about how we treat each other.
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Beautifully written. But what struck me is how not so very different we are than before the "Woman's Liberation Movement'--although perhaps the boy would be more EMBARASSED to look at the magazine in public.
"We've come a LONG way, Baby!" alright....
We've progressed right to efficient MACHINES--and totally skipped the HUMAN being part.
[sadly]
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I think the author is correct in her assumption of the young man's attitude. To those who say that she should be more open-minded: yasher koach to her that she has not lost her sensitivity. The world today is horrible insensitive, having lost its boundaries long ago, thus increasing the crime rate and reducing the morality rate. I must say that she has every right to feel the way she does. Thank you to both to her and chabad.org for bringing this issue more to light.
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its become far too common, far too accepted an attitude. i live in a large city and not a day goes by when some male on the street makes a comment to me. it makes me feel like an object with no other use than to be gawked at. but how do you tell everyone of these random people that their behavior is inappropriate and that it really has to stop?
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To Amy Ruchel,
I'm going to, perhaps, misuse the term catcall, which is to shout disapproval, for lack of a better word to describe being commented to by men on the street. I'm sorry so many of my gender don't understand how women are in many ways the opposite of men. On the other hand, most women do not understand that men are the opposite of them. To many men it's almost natural to make comments to strangers. Most women, it seems to me, are reluctant to blare their thoughts out to strangers.
Usually men learn that it feels uncomfortable to a woman to be catcalled. That's why only a few men behave this way. But proper behavior isn't taught all that way as much any more. Women should understand what motivates this behavior and not be regularly bothered or intimidated by it. There is a major difference between the catcalls of lowlife men and real threats to your life or dignity.
G-d is the One who makes it that men are very attracted to women. Men can choose to elevate their respect for women higher than their attraction to them and withhold their comments. It isn't asking a lot. However, obviously, there are plenty who chose the opposite. From time to time you may try asking one of these morons how he'd feel watching someone speak that way to his mother.
Also, as bad as you feel about the daily comments, they're coming from men who are intimidated by you. These men would do the same thing to a tiger, as long as it's in a cage. And they are, in their stupid way, only expressing their opinion of how attractive you look to them. They're actually just complimenting you. So just either say thanks or just think to yourself, "thanks for thinking I look so very nice. If you were appropriate for me, it might mean something more. But you're not, so it's just your observation being articulated. So good-bye. Have a good day."
Here's to a more respectful society...
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He showed a lack of caring and respect. And that can be very painful, and yes, quite amazing. It can be hard to come to terms with this sort of thing, in all the ways it happens. But we must.
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Looking through the eyes of a boy, it is clear that she does appreciate her that she is a woman but she is crying for the response of why can a person not be aware of that.
She was not inquiring into why there was not a verbal response on the others behalf. She was not asking why the man did not have the respect in him to not read that garbage on a plane.
That is all that I have to say.
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The words I used in my previous comment were a tad too strong and negative, `crying for the response of...``. But the writer does make a very valid and very good point. That we must treat our fellow like we treat ourselves.
I am going to have to disagree with the writer on one account and this objection is obvious and although I think the writer is aware of it (but overlooked it to emphasize the thesis in the article); it is still necessary to point out. It should not be demanded of ever person to interact on a private and personal level with G-d forbid every other person.
When speaking about the world there is an amount of separation that is necessary an amount of individuality that is required-in fact that is what gives the world its worldliness. We are people in that world but if we do mitzvahs in this world we reach higher than both G-dly (infinite) intellect and emotion. We then connect to a level of G-d that does not differentiate between light and darkness and then draw that into the world. fact, that is the main point of creation.
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Oh wow this is an amazing, brilliant piece of writing. I have never seen this topic so well tackled. You summed up everything that is wrong with today's society. Brilliant. I'm in awe.
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very well written,but the magazine he was looking at was not a vulgar one.the woman in this magizine get paid to be half naked,that is their choice,people know the difference from a person in a magazine and one sitting next to them, you were still a woman to him not an object,the object was the woman on the page,he was not reading a playboy next to you,that would be different because then that is truly disgusting and inappriotiate,he was not the reason you did not relax,you were the reason,I would have ignored the guy next to me and enjoyed my flight,he was not raised like you and he has no idea about the level of morals orthodoxy has,I don't understand why you took it so personal,I hope you will not look at the pages and just relax.
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For all of you Anonymouses saying that it was the young woman's fault, I would like to know how many of you are actually female. I am male, but I know that this girl has a right to feel violated. The media has made it seem okay--even 'cool'--to treat women as sex toys. She did not speak up because she felt dominated; his actions said "I am a man and you are an object." And it really doesn't matter whether the models were paid or not; this girl was opressed. It's wrong that the media has so subtly blended sexism into everyday life.
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how was she opressed,if she was insulted then she should have spoken up.or she could have kept busy.If a woman is confident with herself than no man can offend her by reading something she finds offensive,lets get a tougher skin,
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First of all, Mimi, your writing is beautiful, and I hope to see more of your work.
Secondly, most of the commenters missed the entire beginning of this sensitive piece. Mimi was uncomfortable sitting next to this sprawled-out young man. Couldn't relax at all...even before the magazine came out. Mimi told us all about herself there. I commend her for her sensitivity and I commend her parents for giving her such a refined upbringing.
I don't think the point here was the magazine. The point was our society.
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After reading this article and many of the comments I imagined: What luck! I get to sit next to a beautiful, radiantly pure young lady for the whole flight! I am very competitive, my physical form is enviable. I will be like a tropical bird and display myself. I will pull out this magazine and show her that I am dedicated to physical fitness and appreciation of the female anatomy - the only level of beauty I am at this time able to appreciate. If it were a man I was sitting next to, I would pull in my legs and read more privately. If she were fifty years older I would probably just listen to my iPod. But here is someone I instinctively want to impress. I wish she would just say hi. I won't, I respect her. She has to make the first move. But I'm not going to push her. SO- the boy is normal, young, on the alert for a life partner. So was she! So was she! They were more alike than the story reveals.
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Wonderfully written. Please do more.
What a place society has come to. In public places we are crammed together into situations where physical contact is nearly impossible to avoid. Yet there are many who seem comfortable to stretch out and make the space even smaller.
Printing has gotten so good that they are too clear to call "just pictures". And the same is true for movies. We watch everything at home on a 110 inch HD screen. It is really just like being there. There is disagreement at home even because he argues that they are "just pictures" and I see it a taking advantage of women and making my body less special -- just another body to look at during the day.
(until the debate is settled, we have a no nudity rule. Period.)
Looking away for the little things just leads to the bigger problems. Little by little modesty is disappearing. And it is shocking where it has gone already. Why should I have to justify not having undressed (or even half undressed) women in my home?
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No one can make you into an object unless you let them. It's not as if he, G-D forbid, attacked "This Girl". He opened a magazine, and to him, this is perfectly normal. Although to "This Girl" it may have seemed like pornography, it wasn't. Had it been, that would have been a different story. "This Girl" is very sensitive but lacks appropriate boundaries, which she will need to develop. She could have used the time to read tehillim instead of working herself up into a victimhood frenzy and actually writing about it.
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would you rather he was looking at a picture of a scantily clad man?
Don't talk nonsense about perversion. Modesty is well and good and there to enhance sexuality. There is nothing immodest or perverse about men being attracted to the female form - it is how G-d created the world. Otherwise babies would never be made and men would just stay infront of Eurosports all day.
The Torah puts controls on this sexual attraction rightly so people don't abuse each other. But if you view male desire as perversion then you are going to head for big trouble when you get married.
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